There’s an interesting conversation on the forum that’s brought up a few great questions about self expression.
One of the guys involved has asked me to weigh in but instead of posting it there where most of you will miss it, I’m sharing it here.
The essence of the conversation is: what is self-expression and how do I do it?
I know there are quite a few guys who’ve read about the power of real and genuine self-expression and are wondering this same thing.
So this is my take on it:
I’ve read many different definitions on what self-expression is.
They range from proudly and unashamedly saying what’s on your mind to allowing your emotions to bubble up from underneath and flow uninhibited through your body to freely stating your deep desires.
And in my opinion, they’re all actually right, but only in a limited way.
Self-expression isn’t what you do, it’s how you do it.
You can express yourself proudly and unashamedly but block your emotional responses from being seen. This isn’t really self-expression because you’re only expressing a fraction of your self.
You can allow your emotions to bubble to the surface and flow freely through your body but not state exactly what you think. This isn’t really self-expression because you’re only expressing a fraction of your self.
You can share your desires openly but hold back the experiences that run beneath them and why they’re so important to you. This isn’t really self-expression because you’re only expressing a fraction of yourself.
This is why these definitions are only kind of right, but are still kind of wrong (in my opinion) – because they define what some who is expressive does, not how to do it.
So, what is pure self-expression?
Self-expression, in it’s purest form is simply: getting out of your own way.
It’s removing the filter that sits between your brain, your body, your face, your voice, and your mouth.
Self-expression isn’t developed by adding the new skill of saying things as they come to your mind. It’s developed by allowing the barriers and filters you’ve constructed to fall by the wayside so that what you’re really experiencing, comes to the surface.
Self-expression isn’t achieved by the addition of new skills, it’s achieved by the removal of old ones.
It’s allowing feelings to flow through your body as they arise. It’s allowing words to form on your tongue as they appear. It’s allowing expression to move through your face as they want. It’s allowing physical changes to happen in your body without trying to control them.
It’s allowing everything that exists inside you to exist inside you and then to flow outwards, just like you did when you were a child.
You’re born self-expressive. Your days being pushed around in the pram aren’t ruled by stoneface silence and rigid behaviour. You’re born free, you’re born real, you’re born open, you’re born expressive.
You don’t need to add anything on, you just need to get out of your own way and allow whatever is real to come out.
That’s being real at it’s finest. That’s pure self-expression.
So, if you want to be more self-expressive, stop trying to ‘do’ self-expression by adding skills, structures and rules to the way you live your life and allow your natural self to express outwardly into the world.
Let go of the rules, the structures, the techniques, the mindsets, and allow whatever it is inside you to come out.
That’s the secret to pure self-expression.
Now, where’s a common question that’s come up in the forum thread about this:
“What if my natural self-expression isn’t attractive?”
Good question.
First of all, when almost everyone goes down the path of self-expression, they discover that there are parts of their self-expression that push women away.
This is totally natural and totally fine.
You’re not broken, you’re not inadequate, you’re not ‘shit’. You’re just human.
If you’ve been living your life behind a wall of holding back what you think, feel, and desire, then there’s going to be some part of you that feels disconnected, powerless, trapped, and alone and this will be expressed when you take on self-expression.
So what do you do with this?
Do you pretend it’s not there? Do you hide it? Do you mask it behind the PUA methodology of layers and rules and structures?
Well, you could. You could hide away behind lines and lies. You could try and fool gullible women with your charade, long enough to climb into your bed and fill the empty hole in your life.
But if you’re reading this blog, I’m guessing that this isn’t how you want to live your life. So, what’s the other alternative?
It’s simple: Deal with it.
If your natural expression is needy, then learn to connect with people so you don’t feel lonely any more.
If your natural expression is angry, find the core of that anger and deal with it so you can close that chapter of your life.
If your natural expression is powerlessness, start taking on the challenges in your life so you feel in control and strong.
If your natural expression is validation seeking, learn to find the validation you want through other avenues so you feel valuable.
Take control of your life.
Solve your own problems rather than relying on other people to fix them for you and remove the unattractive parts of your ‘self’. By doing that, you’ll be able to freely express yourself openly and simply whilst actually attracting confident, strong, beautiful, and in-demand women.
Find that beautiful, powerful, strong, confident Man inside and let him come out and attract the kind of people who appreciate you for how powerfully real you are.
I know which one sounds more incredible to me. What about you?
So there it is: the dummies guide to self-expression.
Get out of your own way, drop your barriers, and allow the real you to flow out. And as you’re doing it, if you find parts of your self-expression that you don’t want to be there, get in there a deal with them.
It’s as simple as that.
The ball is in your court and the power is in your hands. Get out there and get it done!
Haha wow that was quick. I really get it better the idea of self expression and I guess it is hard to completely let loose that anger and frustration about not being noticed by girls on the same exact people.
I think I’ll show more around them and to my closer friends I’ll open up how I really feel.
This still leaves me to the core of the issue though. What do I have to give myself so this stops becoming an issue? I already feel challenged through what I do,and I’ve stepped up my game in terms of connection. There’s something I’m missing,something that kills me when the girls associated with my circle of friends enters. And if I knew what it was I had to do,I would have solved it a long time ago.
So you say that you get angry and frustrated when girls do not notice you? Why do you get angry when they don’t notice you? Maybe this is the very reason why they don’t notice? -you desperately seek attention from them to feel validated and worthy-
WHAT? NO WAY? BTUTU-REALLY?!! YOU DON’T SAY?
Haha but in all seriousness I already got to that point. I’ve understood this for a while. And I’d rather be not noticed and be completely fulfilled because simply no fucks are given and my problem is gone with the wind.
The problem is there isn’t simply a neediness switch you just flip on and off. In those moments that I dread when one of these specific girls comes up to my friends I get completely get cut off from what I want and the ability to feel the way I desire. Sure I can say something and I may feel a little bit better but it’s not giving me what I want and I still feel empty inside. The flip side to this is simply saying oh I’m gonna stop being needy just so these select few will treat me better is doing the same exact thing. Sure we could say Oh but actually u guiz I’m trying to be independent and powerful and etc. but you and I know it wouldn’t be true. The only reason why you shifted is because you wanted to be treated better.
Today I realized that it’s no longer about trying to win people over that just don’t like me. It’s now about feeling the way I wanna feel whenever I want to and living the full experience of life I want without this side stuff bumming me down. You see there’s this thing called SnapChat(which is like picture chatting/texting) for the longest time I thought was stupid but it’s all the hype in America and at my school. But the truth of the matter was I was insecure about showing my facial expressions/what to say and whether or not anyone would give a shit about it. But today was like you know what? Fuck it. I’m gonna do it anyway. I sent some out to the few people I have in my phone and for the most part it was ignored but I got some responses. But when I sent it I was so amped because I did something I feared and I really accepted that this is me. The dude in the mirror,outside and inside,the personality,the lifestyle,that’s me. That’s Shawn. Now Shawn might mature a little get more bigger but he’s not going to turn into David or Joe or Eddie or Bill ever. Shawn is always going to be Shawn and I’m very proud to say that. I accept myself finally.
So you see it’s about finding steps to take like this that’s gonna help my case or seeing how I can take those situations and improve them and how I can take this knowledge and apply it into my life for the better.
Not the 50th recital of what Endgame covers.
I think I get what you are trying to say. When I go out with my “popular” friends to places where “popular” people hang out I feel isolated and cut off. I just don’t be that direted, powerful and free person I normaly be. I just listen I can’t find anything to talk about. One of the reasons of this is that I think I’m somewhat imferior to them and that I have to follow some set of rules to hang out with “popular” guyz. For example I have to wear cool stuff and I shall not do some other stuff and shall not act like stupid etc. And to be honest I don’t enjoy it. When I’m out alone and talk to some other complete stranger I feel much more powerful and open but when I’m with those “popular” guyz I just don’t (eventhough I know them for YEARS) Maybe you feel the same way? You just don’t enjoy someother stranger to join in your conversation and when they do you just feel cutted off. Thats what I feel when I’m with my “cool” friends and some other “cool” girl or “cool” boy comes in to the conversation..
By the way I’m in no way emotionaly dependent on them. I’M not trying to get their valiation. Actualy I realy don’t give a shit when they valiate me but yet I can not be free as I normaly be when I’m around them. So what do you think?
Yeah see you and I share a common experience. Hell I’m more open with the “popular kids” at my school. And I don’t have this problem to an extreme with every girl. But it’s these sets of girls that hover around my best friends that always get to me. And it’s no longer that I don’t feel free I reflexively become needy and angry when they enter the scene. And it’s not like there’s a conversation or anything,it’s a simply a smile and hi so there’s nothing to express except a giant fuck you but I’m tired of this shit turning me into a bastard. I want to know how to take things into my own hands in these situations.
Actually when I have to I have to focus??? to fulfill my deepest desires and let them express themselves, or the wishes of the girl that I have in front???
is a bit confusing
Just had to stick in and post this comment: this is awesome.
You just summarised probably all I need to know about self-expression. I have no questions. This is absolutely perfect and awesome and I support this work you’re doing.
You are making the world a better place! *awesome*
(I’m writing this, so you can look at this when you have doubts about your work, and you’ll be encouraged to continue, and this is meant as a positive encouragement!)
I appreciate your work!!
I love it when my girlfriend compares me to a 5 year old.
I enjoy spending time around children under the age of six, it seems at this age they aren’t completely bombarded by school and parental strictness. It’s rare to find older children, teens and especially young adults who express themselves unashamedly. Shame is so rampant in our culture for some reason. Funny enough, I’ve encountered many a senior citizen who acts in such a way and while it is funny at first, eventually you realise the crazy old man is probably the most normal person in the room.
Don’t “express yourself” like NWA. Create yourself, and let it FLOW.
I can jump from being enraged to being all cool in less than a second. This freaks people out and I only noticed it last year (it’s often after being shocked or startled, the road is a common place for this). I’ve been owning this particular “issue” but I need a little help smoothing it out, I hate explaining to people who probably won’t understand (least not in the moment).
Just want to say thanks to Leigh, im slowly peeling off the layers and im becoming more myself day by day.
That’s awesome to hear mate. It’s great to know that we’re helping you make a difference to your life.
Brother!
As always awesome article and so simply put yet so profoundly important
This is a topic of quite some importance to me and is something I’ve been looking into for a long time.
It reminds me of something Bruce Lee once said about Honest Expression, that its easy to put on a show and do some really fancey moves but to express oneself honestly can sometimes be very hard to do
In my experience the more you “OWN” how you want to show up in the world and you live by it the more attractive YOU become
Love your work as always
Great to hear it clicked with you mate.
leigh I still need help. I’m confused when you say “Self expression isn’t developed by adding the new skill of saying things as they come to your mind.” , yet you then say “It’s allowing words to form on your tongue as they appear. “. Isn’t that the exact same thing worded differently??? And what types of barriers and filters do you speak of? Examples would truly make this a dummies guide because this seems really confusing and I mark high for comprehension in college…
Leigh,
Brilliantly simple. So true, and yet it’s not really easy. Like, “if you want to lose weight, eat less”.
Taking off the layers is a bit tough though. I have a kid who is just learning to add the layers. If he expresses himself in school, the teachers aren’t always too happy. He’s given work, and he says “I don’t want to do it”. He’s angry at a classmate, can he express it? And worst of all, acting cool for the other kids, so that he can keep his friends and status — that’s the killer.
It may be a bit more complicated than simply casting off these layers. We add them for a reason, so we really need to figure out if it’s *safe* to cast them off. In most cases, especially with women, it’s pretty safe. If you’re being truly genuine, all they can really do is slink away if they don’t like it.
Being okay with other people not caring for your company is the secret to being able to cast off these social layers.
Understanding how women think, and how attraction works is really the other side. It’s really great fun to find ways of stimulating the attraction in women. Seeing them feel attraction is also awesome. This entails learning skills. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s really a completely separate thing from being authentic. But if you are truly authentic, and not a walking pickup line, you’ll probably do well with the ladies.
The other thing about being truly expressive, and having others not enjoy it: If that’s happening, you probably aren’t getting your needs met. Focus on getting your needs met, and you won’t be so needy. Focusing on finding the source of your anger or whatever it is that’s holding you back. Get to know yourself. Figure out what it is that is keeping you a prisoner to past events, and learn to deal with it. Some like to call that inner game, but I prefer to call it growing as a human being.
That’s what it’s all about, really.
thanks again.
Mmm intersting, specially the part when you talk about feeling a hole when you are being totally expressing. That happened me once and I was expressing that hole.
So here is the question: self expression in their most purely sense can be expressed by thinking logicaly or it can only be by just acting and not thinking??