Are You Acting Too Keen Around Women?

“As soon as she knows she’s got you, she will not want you any more.”

I remember reading this piece of dating advice last time I was in a relationship, and choosing to live by it.

I feared that if I acted “too keen” and became “too nice” to my girlfriend at the time, then attraction would somehow dissolve…

…And she would leave me.

So I remained distant and aloof, monitoring how much I called her, not always doing things for her that I wanted to …

…being selfish not because I wanted to be, but because I thought I needed to be.

Having spent so many years “evicting the Mr Nice Guy”, and learning how to be teasing, cocky and non-supplicating…

…I feared that as soon as I showed too much of a glimpse of that Mr Nice Guy again, her feelings for me would dissolve like the morning mist.

Of course, being in a relationship often calls for that Mr Nice Guy to come forward…

There are times when you feel vulnerable, needy and fragile …

And you want to be able to show it to her.

There are also times when you feel totally enamoured by her .. you adore and admire her, and you want to be able to show it to her.

There are times when she asks something of you … and you want to do it for her.

So how does one resolve this seemingly opposing need to “not acting to keen” and “being macho alpha” with being real and sharing with her exactly what’s going on inside you?

How much of the real you can you show before she thinks it’s too much? How keen can you act before you act too keen? How alpha do you need to be to “maintain attraction?”

Is there some kind of magic formula for this?

And how is it that those “other” guys manage to show a woman exactly how they feel about her, and be moody, sometimes be a total mess, even – and yet still for some reason those women don’t lose attraction for them?

What’s going on?

I could be totally wrong about this as all I can draw upon here is my own experience of this … It seems to me that the reason women “don’t want you any more as soon as they know they’ve got you”…

…Has NOTHING to do with women.

And EVERYTHING to do with us, men.

And more specifically, with our PURPOSE.

Well again, I’ll speak for myself only – when I’ve been in those situations, trying to find the “magic formula” for not being too keen, my purpose has been not the best for keeping a woman.

I believed that “getting her” was the very objective of the game. And why did I want to “get her”? To feel good. About myself. It was never about her, really..

All I wanted was to receive a rush of validation associated with seducing her.

Metaphorically speaking, my job was done. It was the end of the journey. The mission was complete. She was “mine”.

But for the woman, that was just the beginning of the journey. It was the time when she has opened up to me, and was waiting to see where I could take her.

If my purpose the whole time has been to get a shot of validation associated with seducing her, how far am I REALLY able to take her?

Is it really a wonder that she wanted to leave you as soon as I thought I “got” her?

Try this: really figure out what it means for you to “get her”. No right or wrong answer, just get in touch with whatever is inside you.

The easiest way to get there is by asking yourself “Why” – all over again.

I want to pick up a woman. Why?
Because I want to sleep with her. Why?
Because it feels nice. Why?
Because it makes me feel good about myself. Why?
Because I don’t feel good about myself. Why?
Because I think that I’m not good enough. Why?
Because once upon a time someone told me I’m not good enough. Why?
Because I screwed up XYZ…

Your answers may be different to these ones..

But you’ll get to a point where you realise that you made something MEAN something and you IDENTIFIED with it.

And you’ve been carrying that baggage with you ever since. And it has coloured your interactions with women – and people in general – ever since.

When you get to that core, you’ll realise that all the dating advice you’ve been reading has been as hollow and unnecessary as the very belief that you’ve been trying to “cure” using it.

 

Steven

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