Being Authentic with Women: it’s a Trap!

Despite the immense benefits that being authentic and real with women can bring to your life, there’s also a down side that you have to be aware of.

It’s something that comes up a lot in both Get Real and Be Powerful and I thought I should warn you about it.

It’ll make it easier to deal with when you eventually run into it.


I call the trap ASS.

That’s short for Authenticity Spiral Syndrome and it works like this.

As a guy starts on this journey of personal transformation and becoming more authentic, there are certain changes that start to occur.

One of the big ones is the attention that he gets from women.

As he learns to divert his attention and action towards activities that are inherently rewarding for him and experiencing the fulfilment and satisfaction that come from being in total control of his experience of life…

…other people start to notice how independent and fun he is.


This is where the authenticity trap kicks in.

1. As he becomes more internally fulfilled, he notices the positive reactions he gets from women.

2. As attention from women is something he’s craved for a long time, he starts to direct his attention away from doing activities that are inherently rewarding and towards the reactions he’s getting.

3. He feels good when he gets these reactions and so stops directing his attention inwards and starts directing it outwards on trying to generate more of these reactions.

This means he stops experiencing the fulfilment and satisfaction that come form doing what he wants and starts relying on the reactions of women to feel good.

4. As the positive reactions occurred because he was already fulfilled without the reactions, he stops getting the reactions he wants.

5. As he stops getting the reactions he desires, he stops focussing on reactions and starts focussing back on doing activities that are intrinsically rewarding.

This means he starts to experience fulfilment without women and therefore, starts to experience positive reactions again.


Lather, rinse, repeat.

This is a very common trap. I fell into it quite a few times on my journey.

I’d go out, be having an awesome time, not caring about what anyone thought of me. Because I was having such a great time, people naturally gravitated to me.

I’d be so excited about the positive responses that I’d stop focussing on having an awesome time and started to try and get positive responses.

It was this neediness that then prevented me from getting positive responses and everyone would walk away.

As no-one wanted to hang out with me, I’d stop focussing on getting the responses and start focussing on having a great time again.

Right up until someone gave me the response I wanted…

So, the point of this is just to warn you about this so when it does happen (and it probably will), you can catch it early and avoid hitting rock bottom.

Have you ever fallen into this trap before?

If so, tell me about it by leaving a comment below. I love to hear stories about people who are as silly as I am




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7 Responses

  1. lokariototal

    THIS HAPPENED TO ME! I took GET REAL and I was being authentic with people, and there was this girl that was gravitating towards me… she started to give me a lot of signs of interest. When she did this I started trying to replicate this, I stopped concentrating inwards and started concentrating outwards.

  2. J. Martinez

    Oh yeah, this certainly happens all the time! The only difference now is that after GetReal I’m more aware of it. For instance, this week I went out. I was having a blast just being out with some friends. There was a live band and a very sexy 60+ year old woman smoking a pipe and dancing to Micheal Jackson’s Beat It. I was laughing, joking, just taking it all in. I needed no one. It was a good vibe. I saw a table of girls sitting near me. I simply nudged over and said: “Hi! I’m going to come chat with you all for a bit. I like meeting new people, especially pretty girls.” I literally just sat down, took my place among them and told them what I wanted. “So tell me about yourselves,” lol. of the three, only one seemed amused. And, in that moment, though I had seen all three of them looking over at my direction a few times, all but one closed up. Well, there was a shift…I literally stopped having a good time with the moment and focused on my interaction with them, and I found myself lost in my head trying to think of “what to say next.” And it all went to downhill because I started connecting on “information” levels (what year of school are you, what have you done this summer, how do you know each other…etc). I did not get the response I wanted…I figured they would LOVE me because I was so self-amused, lol.

  3. Connor

    I’ve noticed this as a pattern that happens to me as well. Funny timing that I’m just stumbling out of the tail end of one of those. I notice it more on a slow scale, I’ll have a couple weeks of fun with someone but realize I’m becoming progressively needier, neglecting myself, my needs, and my desires, and placing more emphasis on her. Doesn’t really work very well. Leaves a lot of cleaning up to do. Habits that I broke or neglected and have to Re-Up. Sometimes lots of feelings too. Just another opportunity to grow, and relearn lessons that I didn’t internalize the first time I guess.

    • Leigh (LoGun)

      It’s a pretty common pattern. In fact, it’s so common that I wrote a 2000 word article that breaks down this whole process into 10 detailed steps for the guys who finish Get Real.

      It’s really great to see that you can see that it’s not working for you and that you need to change. The faster you can realise this, the faster your journey will become.

  4. Sejo KingOfSex iz obrcko

    The answer to this puzzle is to KEEP, being, authentic. When the girl starts being into you, just to see that it was a trick and that you depend on her anyway; she loses interest.
    However , being authentic does not work without other virtues such as knowing how to speak with girls, how not to expect anything , etc.
    But why not keep being and doing yourself? Just because you find pleasure from your inside (which is golden), doesn’t mean you can’t flirt with a girl. It’s hard, yeah; but see it as giving. If you’re in bed and give good sex, even if you didn’t enjoy it as much, most probably she would be up for another go. If you, on the other side, is described as selfish in bed (to the extent that you don’t give her any pleasure), then she might not wanna fuck again. Of course, its best when both enjoy it a lot; just make sure she’s going to enjoy your company (from bar till bed) if you want her araund.
    PS, most often you’ll be the one ‘going after’ her; that’s part of being a man ?


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