How to be Present with Women

You don’t know how, you don’t know why, but for some strange reason, she’s talking to you.

You’ve been in the bar for more than three hours and not a single woman even smiled at you, yet without any reason the hottest girl has just walked up to you, sat down, and started talking.

Her long, beautiful hair catches in the bars mood lighting.

Her big eyes, like deep, blue pools, still and beautiful are shining right at you as she regales some story of her day.

But, you’re not paying attention. You know you’re not paying attention.

Her big red lips are moving and the delicate skin of her hands is flashing before your face as she gestures to emphasise some important point, but you’re wondering more about why she’s here than what she’s saying.

You’re thinking about what your mates would think if you turned up to the football dinner with her on your arm.

You’re trying to recall all those pointless PUA steps that you’re supposed to follow.

You’re trying to remember some stories that people have amusing in the past.

You’re trying to work out if you’re being alpha enough and work out where you should put your hands to demonstrate that you’re high status.

And because of that, you miss everything.

You miss all the possible tangents you could ask about to learn more about her.

You miss the slight strain in her voice as she mentions her family dog.

You miss the way her body language changes when that dark haired guy walks by.

You miss the excitement and passion that infect her voice as she talks about her job.

You miss everything. And because you miss everything. You have nothing to talk about and nowhere to go.

You stumble through retelling a few stories that your mates love and trying to ask some interesting questions, but the ship has sailed.

She walks away and your chance is gone.

Not because you couldn’t come up with the right step or didn’t know what to do or you ran out of things to say, but because you missed everything she gave you.

You had the kind of woman you’ve always dreamed of, standing in front of you sharing her life and heart with you, and you were too stuck in your head to notice everything she was giving you.

The problem wasn’t lack knowledge, it was lack presence.

You weren’t paying attention. You weren’t focussed on her.

You were stuck inside your head paying attention to pointless thoughts as your chance slipped through your fingers.

When I’m talking about ‘being present with women’, I’m not talking about being able to sit in the same room as her, listen to what she’s saying, and responding appropriately.

I’m talking about something that goes deeper than that.

I’m talking about being able to be with her, wholly and completely so that every part of your being is focussed on her.

Not stuck in your head wondering about what you should be doing.

Not questioning how you should be acting.

Not judging her or how you’re being in response to her.

Not wondering what’s going through her head or through the head of those around you.

Being completely present with a woman means noticing the twitch of her mouth without ever realising you’re noticing.

Being completely present with a woman means responding to changes of her body language, her facial expression, her voice tonality, without ever realising you’re responding.

Being completely present with a woman means allowing yourself to experience everything she’s going through without judging, criticising, analysing it or allowing it to overwhelm you.

Being completely present with a woman means being so totally engrossed in the incredible world that you’ve created that the outside world, including thoughts, judgements, analysis, or mental images, melt into the background.

(NOTE: Obviously, this description means nothing until you experienced it for yourself.

Describing the experience of presence is like describing the experience of happiness – words are only useful inasmuch as they remind you of something you already know.

Words can never give you the sensation of presence, only remind you of it.)

So how do you become more present?

How can you learn to sit with her, completely, so that the thoughts, ideas, and judgements disappear into the background and you notice nothing but the excitement and passion of her world?

I could give you a list of exercises.

I could show you a demonstration.

I could educate you on the finer points.

But all of it would be a waste without one crucial step…

How can you ever be present with a woman when you care more about what other people think of you than what you think about you?

How can you ever be present with a woman when you’re constantly judging and criticising the world around, rather than just accepting and experiencing it?

How can you every be present with a woman when you choose the women in your life based more on what your mates think than what really excites you?

The first step in becoming more present with women starts with dealing with your own shit.

It starts by valuing your own opinions more than you value the opinions of others.

It starts by working out what you really want and going after it, regardless of what other people think.

It starts by pushing through your insecurities and eliminating them from their core rather than trying to pretend they don’t exist.

It starts with you.

If you want to more present with women, and eliminate all the common issues that come from being stuck in your head, find your vision of the life you want to create and start living it relentlessly.

Stop living based on other people other peoples opinions, stop trying to get validation and approval from people around you, stop letting fear dictate how you life your life, and start becoming the kind of Man you’ve always dreamed of being.

“But what can I do if I’m standing in front of her and I notice that I’m not present and want to be? How can I deal with it?”

Great question. And here’s the answer.

Call. It. Out.

Stop her mid sentence. Tell her that you’re not paying attention and tell her what you’re really paying attention to. Yes. That’s right. EXACTLY what you’re thinking about.

Tell her you were thinking more about what she thought about what you just said.

Tell her you were wondering why she was talking to you because you don’t believe you’re very attractive.

Tell her you were thinking of a great comeback to what she said 5 minutes ago.

Then apologise and ask her to start again.

And when she does, really listen to her.

I could tell you that she’ll find you more attractive because you have the balls to be honest.

I could tell you that it will increase your social value or some other bullshit external social measure of how important you are because it shows how you can buck social convention and do what you want.

I could tell you that it will make you seem more alpha because you have to courage and strength to admit what other people are too afraid to say.

But more than all of that, it will allow you to be present with her – to listen to her, to work out what kind of person she really is, to notice what excites her, what scares her, what intrigues her and build the kind of connection you crave because you actually have something to connect on.

If you want to find what’s preventing you from living your life on your terms and start become the kind of Man you’ve dreamed of being…

…then Endgame will give you the understanding and tools to start that journey. Check it out here: Endgame.

 

 

 

 

Leigh

 

 

 

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5 Responses

  1. Jack

    What if you’re really listening but nothing comes to mind when she’s done talking? When I talk to girls I don’t think about what to say next and say what ever thought pops up in my head, but a lot of times nothing comes up

    Reply
  2. ron

    Im sorry Leigh; all this sounds extremely nice written in black and white.
    But in real world interactions telling a girl that i was wondering why you came up to speak to me since i do not believe i am an attractive man will not get you results.
    You may shout yourself hoarse saying so , but the fact is that it will not.It will get you more present in the moment; but we are forgetting the end over here.

    You need to draw a distinction between inner game work and real life interactions. I might practice getting rid of social approval/ or being present by an exercise like this. But if i am in a real situation where i really want to attract a girl; this would work miserably.

    Reply

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