Overcoming a fear of rejection

As promised in the last email, here is the article you’ve been waiting for – overcoming a fear of rejection.

I’ve broken it down into 3 short steps that are going to help you break through this barrier.

I’m going to go into quite specific detail in this. I’m not going to talk about theoretical stuff; it’s going to be more practical. So, to make sure you get as much out of it as possible, I would like you to do something.

I want you to think of a situation where you experience a fear of rejection. When you can find one, visualise the entire situation. What is going on? Who is there? What is happening? What thoughts are running through your head?

And most importantly, how do you feel?

It can be anywhere: in a park, in a shopping centre, in a night club. Just think back to the last time you experienced a fear of rejection, because together, we’re going to work through this situation with you.


Step 1: Work out what question you’re really asking

I wrote an article about this a few weeks ago (which you can read here: ask the right question), but I’ll go over it quickly.

Asking ‘how can I avoid rejection?’ is a pointless question because it’s not possible to avoid rejection.

You can never guarantee that she’s not going to reject you because she’s a human being.

She’s got her own life and her own stuff going on.

She may have had a really bad day. She may have just seen her best friend making out with her boyfriend. Any number of factors that are WAY out of your control could lead to her not wanting to talk to you.

‘How can I avoid rejection?’ is a pointless question that we’re not going to answer today. What we will do is work on a level deeper to help you find the real question.

In the free chapter of Endgame (which you can read here: endgame free chapter), I talked about your script. Without going through the whole mechanism again, the essential essence of it is that you need to direct your attention towards: how do I want to feel?

This is the first step in overcoming a fear of rejection because it gives you a productive basis to work from.

So, I want you to think back to the last time you were in a situation where you held yourself back because of a fear of rejection.

Visualise yourself standing there. See what’s going on around you. Notice the thoughts running through your head. Also notice how you feel.

In that moment, I’m going to guess you don’t feel great. So, what do you want to feel? What experience are you looking for?

(Hint: what is the opposite of rejection?)

Think about it. Visualise yourself in that situation: what is your desired outcome and how would you feel if it happened?

Come on…

Think about it. It might seem a little hard to get your head around so take some time with it. It’ll come to you.

Good. Now, onto step 2.

Step 2: Work out what you are really looking for.

There’s a commonality with every guy I’ve ever worked with. This commonality is that the core desire behind their fear of rejection is the same thing.

That desire is connection.

Some people use the word acceptance. Some use the word validation. Some use the word togetherness. I use the word connection because it’s at the core of all of them.

I also use the word ‘connection’ because it’s a gives a great platform to move forward from.

But before I move onto the next step, I want you to do another little bit of visualisation.

I want you to put yourself back in the situation that you last experienced a fear of rejection.

As you’re standing there with the voice running through your head asking ‘how do I avoid rejection?’, I want you to take a deep breath.

As you take that breath, I want you to change that question from ‘how do I avoid rejection?’ to ‘How do I experience connection?’

As you change this question, how does it change things for you? Is your experience of that fear of rejection still as intense?

Trying to find a way to avoid rejection is a very difficult and challenging task because you can’t. It’s like trying to find a way to stop aging. It’s not possible. And as it’s not possible to achieve, you’re going to experience a lot of anxiety trying to do so.

When you change the focus of your question to trying to experience connection, things become different.

What I’m about to show you is that it is possible to experience connection quite easily and so the challenge is much lower.

As the challenge is much lower, so is the fear.

Step 3: Find a productive way to experience what you’re looking for

There are many different ways you can experience connection. Every challenge you face in making an incredible connection with a beautiful woman is going to be determined by what pathway you take.

Before I tell you the pathways, you need to understand a bit more about connection.

As this article is long enough already, I’m not going to go into a long-winded explanation of connection. I’m simply going to lay out the specifics for you.

The essence of connection is being able find a commonality with another person. When you discover a commonality with another person, then you have a connection.

There are many different ways you can find a commonality with another person and the one that you choose to follow is going to determine the barriers you face.

I’ve written a whole article on this. You can read it here: Overcoming Loneliness

Please read this before you go on.

The reason this is so important is that the reason you fear rejection so much is that you don’t experience the amount of connection you currently desire and so being rejected is another step away from how you want to feel.

If you can connect with people more effectively then you’re not going to care as much about being rejected because her rejection isn’t going to prevent you from feeling the way you want to feel. You already feel connected so one less person isn’t going to make that much difference.

Make sense?

So, what does this mean in practical terms?

Theory isn’t useful when you’re standing in front of a beautiful woman about to open your mouth.

What this means is that the first step is to change the question you’re asking. Instead of focusing on ‘how can I avoid rejection?’, start asking the question ‘how can I expereince connection?’

Once you’ve changed the question, find a pathway that’s going to put you in control of the level of connection you experience.

For most of you, the answer to that is to share yourself openly, including your experience of life, and find a commonality in her expereince.

The more you do this, the more connection you’re going to experience, the less you’re going to depend on getting it from one person in your life that you don’t know, and the less fear of rejection you’re going to experience.

I’m not saying this will guarantee that her panties are going to hit the floor every time, but at least you won’t care as much when they don’t.

L.

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10 Responses

  1. Mariano

    Wait.
    So. There’s this girl I find gorgeous at school. And from glancing at her and her friends I don’t know if she digs me or thinks I’m a walking laughingstock. I would experience connection with her if I told her that I wanted to talk to her but was afraid of being ridiculed? (That is true btw). That’s how it works right? Alternatively I could just talk about it with any other person, as long as I was being honest. Right?

    Reply
    • LoGun

      No, I didn’t say that. I said that the basis of connection is finding a commonality.

      If she can identify with your experience of fear and expresses it then yes, you could find a connection. If she can’t identify with it or chooses not to express it then you won’t. The reason that talking about your experience is a great way to experience connection is that they’re much more widely experienced than talking about information.

      Also, the experience of connection you get through connecting on experiences is much deeper because they’re more real.

      L.

      Reply
  2. Mariano

    I guess what I’m asking is: It actually doesn’t matter if the other person shuts him/herself to you after you express yourself, right?

    Reply
  3. Josef

    (Sorry for talk about other subject, but these thing put me crazy), Anybody of you my beloved partners of the AI Journey know how in the name of god can i make dissapear Stress?? Have a good day

    Reply
  4. Alex

    So when she breaks up with you and says “it’s not you, it’s me” (which is often referred to as a classic BS excuse), she might actually be telling the truth? She might be the one with personal issues to resolve, and she might not be in the right state of mind to appreciate and see how cool you really are? In other words, her judgment is clouded?

    Reply
    • Leigh (LoGun)

      Yeah mate, it’s definitely a possibility. I’ve broken up with an incredible girl because I had issues I was working through and needed time alone to work through them. So, it could be the same with women.

      Reply
  5. dave

    Am trying to understand the “alpha-go-get-em-who-cares point of view, but still do not see how I, or any guy, could agree to get on this merrygoround where women expect you to approach and then, for your reward, they decide to test you (for their own good) . Who could ever agree to that?
    That is not fear of rejection, that is common sense.Why would any man approach?

    Reply
    • Leigh (LoGun)

      Hey mate,

      I can understand how it would fel frustrating from your point of view. I’ve been where you are and I know what it feels like. So with that in mind, here’s my answer:

      You don’t actually have to do anything. You don’t have to get on any merry-go-round or try to overcome any tests. You’re more than welcome to keep doing what you’ve always been doing, and keep getting what you’ve always gotten.

      If you’re comfortable with what you’re getting now, just stay where you are.

      However, if you’re not (and I’m guessing you’re not), something has to change.

      I decided, a long time ago, that I wanted to have incredible relationships with amazing women. For this, I needed to meet amazing women. As amazing women weren’t going to go out of their way to come and meet me, I needed to approach them.

      Then, just like you, I started worrying about tests. Right until I worked out the most obvious thing I was missing all along: http://www.attractioninstitute.org/how-to-spot-her-tests

      The most powerful idea I’ve learned since I’ve been on this journey is that women are only challenging and difficult if:
      1) you don’t have your shit together
      2) you’re pretend to be someone you’re not

      If you’re not dealing with either of those issues, meeting, attracting, dating, and seducing women is simple and fun.

      But that’s just my experience. What’s yours?

      Reply

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