What To Say To A Woman

Ever struggle to say something to a woman?  I mean like anything?  Ever just sit there in awkward silence with her thinking to yourself, “I’m blowing it, she thinks am boring, a dork, a creeper, a mouth breather.”  I know I have…a lot.

Ever be with a woman, but not REALLY be there because you are so lost in your head trying to figure out what to say to her?

Ever get so caught up on how much silence and awkwardness you felt that it would snowball into a big ball of wimpy until you make an excuse to just leave the situation, walk home kicking your own ass for being so lame?

I am so glad I don’t have that experience very often anymore.  As I began living life on my terms, with my truth, I am no longer lost in my own head, worrying about what to say, when talking to women.

I realized something recently:  

Knowing how to talk to a woman and knowing what to SAY to her are NOT the same thing.  

And knowing how to tell the difference can be THE difference that makes all the difference in attracting the kinds of woman you want in your life.

There is so much advice out there about how to talk to women and they all tend to focus on what to say to her, like routine stacks, DHV stories, etc…but not on HOW to talk to a woman.

PUA systems and conversation advice fail to notice a key difference and this can severely sabotage and reduce your chances of being attractive to the kinds of women you want in your life.

I want to share how you can avoid this and develop a more natural and more powerful alternative.

The PUA’s Biggest Flaw: Women Do Not Exist

Let’s scrub off the basic flaw in most “how to talk to women” advice.

If you pause for a moment and reflect on every woman you’ve met, or ever talked to, it’s not hard to notice that no two women are alike.  But what does this REALLY mean? It means there are no “women,” in general.  That’s right.  In a strange way, “women” do not exist.

Huh, say what?  Here’s what I mean…

When you’re in the moments of interacting with a woman you find attractive, she is not just a “woman.” In that moment, she is not interchangeable and replaceable with any other woman.  She is this woman, in this place, talking with YOU at this time.  There is no generalized  “woman.”  She is unique in all the world.

Most advice on how to talk to women fail to notice this uniqueness by assuming a general “one size fits all” view of communication and women.

PUA systems teach you that what you say is the most important skill that will get you the girl.  The girl might as well be ANY girl because, well, it’s how you present your message (both verbal and body language) that matters most to your success or failure – not her.

These systems teach you how to appeal to women in general, but they cannot teach how to connect with any one particular, real woman.  Only this woman, the one sitting here with you in all her beauty and depth, exists.

She is more than general or average.

Average Results: The Consequences Of Following PUA Systems

The verbal tricks and tips you can gain from most PUA systems assume that women for the most part will respond that same way to your “game” — NO MATTER who she is. This is the REAL message you learn in most PUA systems.

Message? It does not matter who she is.

And this is fine if you like appealing to some idea of an “average woman” and then don’t mind average results (e.g. flaking, drama, jealousy, neediness, mind games, deception, abusive relationships, etc…).

There is a reason why PUA forums are filled with very average “live and learn” type experiences where some technique or trick failed to work.  Because PUA systems cannot prepare you for what YOU must say, that only YOU can say to THIS woman looking into your eyes, right now, right here, in all her sexy uniqueness.

You can spend hours and hours of mental energy and money on figuring out how to talk to women, how to calibrate and adjust to every possible situation with any woman just to get average results.

Or…you can save money and put that same time and mental energy into striving to become the kind of man that knows what needs to be said to a unique woman, naturally, and effortlessly.

What A Man Who Knows What To Say A Woman Looks Like

A man who can freely give women what they need to hear rarely has to worry about what to say to women.  Developing two areas of your life can help you become that guy!  The first is knowing how to give yourself what you want and second is knowing how to listen.

So lets start with the first…Do you know what you want in life? Really? Hint: it is never as obvious as it seems.

Learning how to give yourself what you need is an important step towards knowing what to say to a woman.  Because as a result of taking actions where you are “recognizing” and fulfilling your wants daily, you are more likely to spontaneously recognize (and possibly fulfill) the wants or needs of someone else.

If you do not know what it is that you truly want and desire, Leigh has a great article with 3 steps on how to work out what you want here: Find Your Core Desires in 3 Steps.

A man who knows the kinds of experiences he wants in life and has created a life where he is able to give himself those experiences whenever he wants, is more likely to give freely to others what they need because he already feels he has all he needs.  He feels, in other words, FREE.

If you do not feel FREE yourself, its going to be difficult to know what to say to a woman sitting right here with you, right now.  What does she need to hear you say, that only you can say?  Are you free enough to give her that? Make sense?

It’s not that communication is not important, it is.  It is VERY important.

But all communication begins not with words or messages, but with the listening of those words or messages by someone – only then, is it “on.”

So let’s move on to knowing how to listen….

At this point, you might be wondering: How can knowing what you want help you notice what a woman wants, much less what to say to her, when everyone is different and wants different things?

True.  People want different things, but it’s the underlying feelings and experiences they are seeking from having those things that drives their desire for them.   And those desires are rooted deeper in how they imagine having those feelings and experiences will give them what they want or need in life.

How do you know what any one particular woman needs to hear?  You listen.  Sounds simple, but it’s a skill that few people can do. It’s what Leigh calls “Listening through.”

Listening through the words of what any woman says to the emotions and feelings they express in the telling is a key skill to becoming able to say what needs to be said to a woman.

Here is an example…

It was an odd evening in New Orleans. A shot girl sits alone.  I wanted to talk to her, so I did.  “How’s your night going?,” I ask. “It’s slow,” she says almost as if exhaling a final breath.  In that moment, this girl and not another was sharing more with me than just how her night was going.  She was letting me in on her unique world, the way it felt to her that night.

“Ah, a slow night, eh?,” I say.  She was not having a good night. Working her ass off to get people to buy shots with few people buying, this shot girl was feeling powerless and in need of a feeling a sense of power.  So I asked her, “Well, if you could be doing anything right now rather than this what would you be doing?”

With this single question, her eyes lit up, her body raised higher, and a smile flashes across her face.  “I’d be in the studio working on my album!,” she says.  “Oh? Wow! What’s that like for you to create an album?,” I ask.  She shares how she loves music and the years and years of work she’s put in to learning piano and the amazing feeling of performing.  She shares how her shot girl job is temporary and how she is on path to becoming a musician.

We chatted a bit more and she scampered off back to sell shots.  But before she did, she expressed to me how I had “made her night.”  As she left, her whole world had changed, her body lighter, her face brighter, and who knows, maybe she even went on the sell more shots.

Here was a girl, this unique woman, who desired the freedom to express herself, to feel a sense of power in a powerless situation.  Her whole body was aching for an escape and validation that she is more powerful than this night was letting on for her.

I share this moment with you because it helps to show how “listening through” works.  It’s not so much what she said, but how she said what she said that mattered in that moment.  Listening through becomes possible when you are able to listen for what her desires are and the way her current world is and then speaking freely to GIVE her what she wants.

Can any PUA system focused on how to talk to any woman teach this skill of recognizing what must be said to this one, particular woman? Can any PUA system focused on how to talk to any woman teach you how to give yourself what you want so you can be free to listen through to her desires?

Summing It All Up

  • Knowing how to talk to any woman is not the same as knowing what to say to a real, particular woman. That’s a big difference that makes a difference.
  • Becoming the kind of guy who knows what to say to a woman means being able to give her what she needs, which is much more likely if you already have all that you need in your life.
  • By knowing what it is that you want and how to give yourself the experience you want, you open yourself to being able to give freely and recognizing other’s core desires, wants, or needs.

So, if you want to know what to say to a woman, then begin with learning what you want and how to give yourself those experiences. Then, in doing this, you may just free yourself to listen through and give a woman what she needs, and you’ll never need to know how to talk to women because you’ll always know what to say to a woman.



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2 Responses

  1. Young-S

    Sometimes I think that I take freedom to the extreme most of my recent conversation with beatiful women I feel the need of expressing everything that comes to my mind… even dirty stuff and actully by doing this I feel the way I want to feel and even womens are actually connecting with me… but still I don’t know what to say

  2. Lauris

    “Listening through the words of what any woman says to the emotions and feelings they express in the telling is a key skill to becoming able to say what needs to be said to a woman.”

    Great article, thanks!


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