Stop TRYING To Be Confident – And BE Confident.

Do you ever have nights where you’re just ‘on’?

You’ve had a good week. You’re feeling good. You’re looking good.

You’re ‘in state’. Everything just works. You destroy the bar.

Every woman is asking her friends, “Who *IS* that guy?”

Everything is right with the world. You are popular. You are happy. You are fucking awesome!

I can relate 😉

Do you ever have nights where you’re just ‘off’?

You’ve had a bad week. You’re feeling bad. You’re looking bad. You’re out of state. Everything you touch turns to shit. The bar owns you.

Every woman recoils from you in revulsion.

Dude: you SUCK.

I can relate 🙁

On my way home from a seminar on pickup, I was feeling fantastic.

Finally, I got it. I got women. Women were solved. No joke, I felt absolutely bulletproof. You could’ve put Scarlett Johansson in front
of me on the street outside and I would not have hesitated.

Yet, at the same time… there was fear.

I was scared of losing this newfound confidence.

After all, hadn’t I been here before? After a self-help seminar, after a football victory, during a ‘lucky streak’, after OTHER pickup seminars, I remembered having amazing confidence…

…for a time.

Then: back to swings and merry-go-rounds. Up and down.

Again, here I was, a fresh ‘PUA’, afraid of falling back into my old ‘AFC’ ways.

Before, I was unhappy, out of touch with what I wanted, and shy.

So the feeling on this summer evening was that my confidence was just a transient illusion and that soon, I’d revert back to the
real me –

– the depressed, uncharismatic me (of course, there was everyreason to believe that THAT version of me, the old version, was the
real illusion – but at the time it didn’t feel like that).

I wanted confidence!

It seemed the basis of attraction, connection and happiness… and so temperamental.

I felt like an AA member always on the verge of relapse.

Staying ‘sober’ was a daily struggle – if the challenge became too great, it was always a temptation to throw in the towel. Being drunk was my ‘natural’ state…

…being sober was an effort.

Was this AA mindset an appropriate analogy? Was it really true that ‘confidence’ was an effort, something to ‘do’?

I believed it’s easy and natural to be shy and depressed – that takes no effort (right?).

Confidence takes effort (right?)

What *IS* confidence?

“I KNOW I can do this. I know I can fuck her. I know I’m awesome.”

Is that confidence? Or is it hubris? Or is it bullshitting yourself?

I have it on good authority that confidence is absence of fear.

“Maybe I’ll get her, maybe I won’t. I want her, but I don’t need her. My life will go on, with me pursuing what makes me happy.”

When I feel confident, it’s great: I do what I want. But then, what if something shakes me?

Imagine walking along the beach when you see an amazingly beautiful women. She’s with her girlfriends, laughing and rubbing lotion over her perfect body.

How do you feel?

“Do I approach her? What do I say? What if she laughs at me? I’ll lose my confidence. I’ll be shy, think sad thoughts, hold back.”

Which is easier:

– to have confidence (i.e., to focus on what I want, not take up mental energy with the opinions of others, do what I feel like, be myself, be natural), or

– not (to focus on fear and try to anticipate what others are thinking/wanting, play social games, put on a facade)?

That’s when I realised that having confidence is actually much easier than not having it.

Here is where it gets all Zen and profound and shit: I was busy trying to protect my confidence because I was scared of relapsing…

…but with this very act, I was destroying my confidence by focusing on fear.

If I’d let it go, I would’ve found that natural childlike confidence there for taking.

I know what you’re thinking-

“What about the next time I REALLY fuck up? What if I DO fall into old habits and focus on fear?…

…What if I get shot down by a beautiful woman on the beach and it trashes my confidence, in spite of my best intentions? …

….Is this all just pointless keyboard jockeying? Word trickery? Some bullshit mindhack?”

-And I like your style.

You’re really analysing this stuff – usually a terrible idea, in my opinion. But since you’re making the effort I’d better come clean:

Nobody’s perfect. I feel scared sometimes, I feel nervous, I make mistakes. I just don’t feel that these things are related to my confidence.

A successful man said, “Sometimes, all I have is my confidence.” This blew my mind when I heard it. All you have? How does that make any sense?

Doesn’t confidence come AFTER you’re reassured that everything is alright?

He elaborated and said that there is good and bad in everything, and you can choose what you focus on. He, personally, would rather be happy than sad, so he focuses on the good.

So even if you’re scared, confidence is a choice – and the easier, more natural one.

Once you really get this, you won’t be worried about falling back into bad habits. I’m not.


Luke (deepPlay)

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One Response

  1. Chris

    I really like that line by the successful man “sometimes all I have is my confidence.” It makes a lot of sense, and at the deepest of levels I think is in all people even the one’s who feel that they are the most un-confident person on earth, because unless you hurt yourself or do something drastic in those low times its that real underlying love for yourself that pushes on.


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