How to Stop Being Nervous Around Beautiful Women

A few drinks deep and trying your best to fight off a migraine from the bass of the house music. Everyone is dancing, drinking and enjoying themselves but you stick to the back with your buddies to have another round. A blond enters your view and quickly catches your attention. Her ill fitting top caresses her tight, silky and artificially tanned body. It fits in all the right places and shows off all of the right parts.

She fills you with the excitement that so many women before her have. What I wouldn’t give to f**k her! is the only thought that crosses your mind. A thought so profound that you can’t help but to repeat it to your friends. They laugh and join in with their particulars of what they would do to the girl and what they would do to be able have her. Good times. You no longer see her but the contour and specifics of her body are burned into your mind for the rest of the night.

Sound familiar? I bet it does. You think nothing of it but it’s moments like these that cause you to be nervous around beautiful women and kill your chances of ever being able to be with that girl except in your masturbatory fantasies. When women see guys who show these types of behaviors they automatically get label as a wanker.


What is a Wanker?

A wanker is your typical average guy who sprays his shorts over every decent to hot looking girl that walks by. He is not concerned about whether or not this girl is a snob, a bitch, stuck up, controlling, sweet or has an amazing personality. The ONLY thing he cares about is the way she looks. It doesn’t matter if this girl is on the run from the cops for chopping off her husbands pecker and throwing it out a moving car but just as long as she is attractive he’s happy.

Why is being a wanker detrimental to your success with women?

A large portion of your nervousness around beautiful women comes from the way that you think and treat these women. Whenever you get over excited about a good looking girl coming in the door you are training yourself to put women on a pedestal.

Every time you see an attractive female and think to yourself oh God, she’s so hot you are pushing yourself further and further away being able to actually be with her. This happens for several reasons:

1. Your Self Esteem is Low

She moves and your eyes follow her. Peeking a look at that gorgeous body, while trying your best not to get caught, but she knows you are looking and she knows what you are thinking. In those few brief moments you have already told her that you have a great desire to sleep with her.

You are willing to sleep with a girl without knowing anything about her beside the way she looks. What does that say about you? Or your self esteem? It sends a direct message to the girl that 1) your self esteem is so low that you would sleep with her regardless of whether or not she is the right girl for you and 2) you have no standards when it comes to women.

2. You are Affirming That She is Out of Your League

Most people love the attention they get from their admirers, who look up to them with those loving eyes. Who doesn’t enjoy a good compliment or kindness from a stranger? That type of attention feels good to the ego but kills the attraction every time.

Despite what movies teach you about a love struck romeo who only needs to tell a girl how he feels, showering someone with affection and attention doesn’t equal attraction. Showing her how much you like her doesn’t mean she will get a tingle up her leg.

It’s almost impossible to be attracted to someone who feels BLESSED or would GIVE ANYTHING to JUST BE WITH YOU.

She sees you glaring at her but she knows what lies beneath the surface. She knows that if she was to give you the lightest amount of attention you would almost inevitably think to yourself how could I get this lucky? Wow, this must be a lucky shirt. I’m never taking this off again! If you think that being with her would be the equivalent of winning the lottery then she is out of your league.


3. It Automatically Puts You in the Same Category as Every Other Guy

This wouldn’t be such a bad thing if almost every guy out there understood how to create attraction in women. Unfortunately, this is not the case and you emotional response to a beautiful women will lump you into a category with the rest of the unlucky guys.

Every man that has hit on her inappropriately, grabbed her without consent, stared at her chest with no regard or one of the other million different creepy things that men typically do, will be linked to you. Women are very intuitive, even if they can’t articulate it properly at times, and will pick up on your lust for her. She can tell and you will forever be branded into the creepy category. Once you are placed in that spot there is no coming back.

4. You are in a Position of Weakness Instead of Power

You have trained yourself over the years to have the same emotionally strong response to when a beautiful woman walks by. This response is not one of choice but of compulsion. You see her, she’s hot and you want to automatically sleep with her. There is no gap between the stimulus (hot girl) and your response (sexual excitement).

Power comes from the ability to choose. Whether it’s your friends, job, women, what you do with your time, it’s a matter how choice. The less of a choice you have in these things or how you respond to a situation the less power you will possess.

When she walks by, you are not choosing whether you will allow or not to allow yourself to feel attracted to this woman. You are not choosing the type of response to her physical attractiveness, it simply happens all on it’s own.


Stop Being Nervous Around Women and Move into a Place of Power

Having this type of sexual and emotional reaction to aesthetically appealing women is a force of habit just like any other. It has taken years upon years to train yourself to think and behave this way but it’s very possible to turn it all around. It will take time but the payoff is worth the wait.

Here are simply things you can start doing now to stop this automatic process:

1. Stop Talking to Your buddies about Hot Girls

There is a slight sense of camaraderie that goes along with making jokes and talking about how gorgeous some women are. It brings you together through a common interest. It helps you to make friends but at the end of the day having choice with women is far more valuable then a few jokes.

Whenever you do this you are reinforcing a negative behavior with something positive. Your negative behavior is getting over excited about some girl you saw and reinforcing it with a positive socially accepting response from your friends. It’s the high you get from a fix when you know you shouldn’t doing it in the first place.

Completely stop talking to your friends about these women. No more dude, did you see that girl? or OMG, she is freaking hot. I would love to (fill in the blank) her. Your mind might continue with these thoughts but they still don’t need to go anywhere but your mind.

2. Understand that beauty is NOT a BIG DEAL

So often in our culture do we praise and worship beautiful people. You see it in ads, magazines, billboards. Women and men are held in high regard for something they didn’t earn. Good looks is something that is given naturally with a few tweaks along the way. They didn’t work for it and earn it through sweat and persistence. No, it’s something that they were born with.

Whenever your mind starts up with it’s thoughts about how amazing that girl looked, remind yourself that looks are not that big of a deal. The men who are most successful with women don’t really care too much what she looks like. The girl has to be good looking for them to be biologically turned on but they don’t make a big fuss over how the girl looks. They appreciate a good looking woman but it doesn’t make their day or they don’t sport wood over it-she’s cute in a nonchalant tone.

If you are still having a tough time understanding that looks aren’t that big of a deal you need to spend more time with beautiful women. People who live in small towns get very excited about hot women because so few are around but if you lived in California or New York good looking women are a dime a dozen.

Go out to a club with intention of getting rid of your wanker response. Go in and take a look around at all the beautiful women and tell yourself it’s not that big of a deal.

3. Stop Watching Porn

Well, at least for now. When you get off to images or videos of beautiful women you are creating wonderful fantasies about these women. You are instilling the belief that YOU CAN’T GET THESE WOMEN. The only time you are able to have these women in through your mind, computer screen and a cheap bottle of hand lotion.

You might not think of much of your happy time but you mind thinks a lot of it. It reinforces the belief that You are NOT GOOD ENOUGH to be able to attract beautiful women.

Most masturbating isn’t an act of self exploration done in an attempt to further your sexuality but more in a hurried act of nervousness with one hand on your piece and one eye on the door. You are nervous about getting caught and this uneasiness gets associated with beautiful women. Your mind generalizes things and it will take the nervousness you felt to one beautiful porn star you got off to and link it to all beautiful women.

When the I’m not good enough feelings get accompanied by your nervousness from your porn habits you end up with very bad social interactions. A good bit of your confidence in talking with women comes from having positive experiences. If your nervous the first time talking to women from your shades down lotion out activities the interaction will leave you with a negative impression of talking to women. If you continue to watch porn and still try to talk to women your nervousness around approaching them will only get worse.

Throw out your Jergens and close your account with your choice porn site-it’s for the best. If you can’t seem to find something to fill the time left by your porn habits read this article:

http://innergamereframe.com/is-porn-good-for-you/

4. Develop Standards When it Comes to Women

Earlier in this article I mentioned coming from a place of power instead of weakness and standards is the best way to do this. Standards allow you to override that gut level reaction to the sexual Goddess. You still feel it but asking yourself is she the type of girl I want? will allow that response to be greatly reduced.

Normally, men question their own value and wonder if they are good enough for the girl. This leads to all sorts of approval seeking which can kill the attraction and make you very nervous. Instead of underestimating your own value, ask yourself if she is good enough for you? Does she meet your standards?

When you ask yourself if this girl is good enough for you it changes the whole dynamic. The anxiety is minimized and often times becomes none existent. You are also placed in a position of choice instead of merely reacting to what is happening to you.

Get into a habit of having standards for every attractive woman you see. When you see her, automatically ask yourself is she a nice person? Does she look like a giver or a taker? Will she be right for me? Even if you never speak to these women still ask yourself these questions.

You can even take is a step further by qualifying everyone that you talk to. Not in an arrogant I’m better than everyone type of way but in a will this person be good for me? Will they hurt me or help me?

Most men fear developing standards because they are in such desperation for to take anything they can get. The irony is that if you are willing to take anything you can get often you will end up with nothing or scrapping at the bottom of the barrel. Women can smell confidence and self esteem on you and taking anything that will give you the time or day lacks these things. Why would that girl want to be part of that anything you can get category?

Keeping Standards to Draw in More Abundance and Eliminate Neediness

A large factor that goes into success is determined by the company you keep. If you surround yourself by negative, pessimistic, narcissistic people they will bring you down with them. Even if you believe yourself to be very positive and motivated you will soon be rolling around in the dirt.

Enthusiasm, motivation and drive is contagious and so is apathy. If you have none of the positive qualities I speak of and have no desire for them developing standards will not be needed. If on the other hand you strive for a life of meaning and one worth having then standards is a must. Every person you ALLOW into YOUR life can has the potential to help fulfill that dream or bring it to a halt.

Every woman, no, every person you meet should live up to your standards. If they don’t you need keep looking until you find the right woman and the right set of people to surround yourself with.

Creating and maintaining standards will actually draw more people into your life. If follow through and uphold your standards by saying no to certain people a great deal of your neediness will melt away.

Neediness at the core is being scared of being alone and miserable. Once you burst through this fear by letting go of certain people in your life you will realize that you can say good bye and still survive. You will learn that you can be selective and still be happy.

With a large portion of your neediness out of the way you will become more attractive to other people because nothing is less attractive to women (basically everyone) than neediness. The strength that has replaced the spot where your neediness once existed will draw abundance of people into your life.

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About The Author

Alex is a guest contributor on the Attraction Institute. He started his journey as a lost and confused guy and has been sharing his story on his personal website since 2009. He specialises in Inner Game Transformation.

28 Responses

  1. Adrian

    This is very good advice, but I would just say also don’t apply these too intensely, otherwise you come off as an arrogant jerk. Don’t do this to the point of hurting her feelings to make yourself feel better about yourself.

    Reply
      • Richie

        I have to agree with the author . Everything he explained . Is me . He wasn’t coming across as being arrogant , he was trying to get you to see that you can be a better version of yourself . And that’s what every man needs , especially me

  2. john

    Adrian you are the messiah!

    but how does one go about developing these standards? i somehow feel that creating a conscious checklist is somewhat rigid and limited, which may lead to inconsistency. what’s your take?

    Reply
    • Mohammed

      Think to yourself whether or not the person is someone you would like to get to know. Do you like party girls, reserved or shy girls, smart girls, stubborn girls? You probably don’t know much about yourself, I’m assuming. Your standards are the qualities in a girl that make you want to befriend her or have a relationship with her. Talk to girls who meet those standards.

      Reply
  3. Jay

    Good advice! So many men and women get bombarded with the subliminal messages the media sends out, catching men and women off guard, everyone wants to be in the incrowd because of the way media has conditioned us (poor sources of influence is the same as talking to your buddies).I agree you got to question what your putting in your mind. Personally i used to be a party animal, but my life has changed since Jesus Christ entered my heart and i can say i raise my standards to the women i date. I believe relationships should help you,upgrade you, and fullfill a small portion of that missing link that every man and woman desire. Peace

    Reply
  4. nickk

    What do you mean blessed ???? If you tell her a girl your blessed how does this make you look desperate. But why would u say that in the first place.
    Loving eyes ? Explain this glaring what you mean exactly. Be a cold fish to the woman and express no interest and no smile or smirk whatsoever ?
    Why is she out of my league if i happen to really like a girl. If i don’t get mushy to her by verbally express my feelings theres nothing wrong. And complimenting is not good your right but on the other hand you need to display your charm which is to make her feel special. So theres gotta be a certain level of compliments. Not a direct like your beautiful or how smart you are especially if you see her the first time cause you don’t know her. But complimenting her job or something that will make her feel good is not a bad thing.

    Reply
  5. Tripp

    There’s two methods that I’ve found that work great for getting rid of this nervousness and anxiety that many guys get whenever they’re around a beautiful woman, especially if he’s talking to her. One is a quick fix and the other is a more long-term solution. The first one is to keep a few things in mind; even the most beautiful woman in the world poops, farts, and has morning breath. Knowing what a beautiful woman really looks like when she wakes up, and what she does just like any other human being, and how long it takes her to look the way she does, reminds you that her looks are only a very small part of her and one that she has to maintain and work on everyday to keep looking that way and that she has all the usual flaws and imperfections just like any other person. When you keep these things in mind, talking to a beautiful woman loses its pressure to say the perfect things and not look dumb because she is not perfect either and sometimes looks dumb herself. The other more long-term solution for not being nervous around an attractive woman is to raise your value as a man to more than hers as a woman. Her value as a woman is mostly in her looks; her body, weight, face, and hair and can only go so far. Your value as a man is in many areas; such as your confidence, humor, intelligence, social skills, character, business smarts, value in the market, health and strength, personal hygiene, style, financial status, and vision and goals. All of these can raise your value as a man so that when she sees you, you are the “hottest man in the world” in her eyes. This is when the tables have turned and you’re no longer nervous around beautiful women.

    Reply
    • Moose

      Tripp, you’re mostly right except for the time when you meet a gorgeous woman who is also has confidence, humor, intelligence, social skills, character, business smarts, value in the market, health and strength, personal hygiene, style, financial status, and vision and goals. And that’s when you have to really think about your first advice lol

      Reply
  6. Kampung Inggris

    nice info. But that could not be implemented to all people.. man with different character… moreover if his culture is different.

    Reply
  7. Chad

    I agree with majority of the things said. However, I do think that there are tons of people who look beautiful because they put in hard work (exercise, diet) . To simply dismiss their efforts to just genetics and they were born with it seems unfair. Great article though, a lot of informative points in a well written manner.

    Reply
  8. Elizabeth

    ??? This is awfully generic, and while it might be good advice for the more excitable guys I wouldn’t suggest taking this to heart there are several things I can pick at here the 4 most important ones I wrote about and the 4th one is the MOST IMPORTANT.

    1. “It’s almost impossible to be attracted to someone who feels BLESSED or would GIVE ANYTHING to JUST BE WITH YOU.”
    This is not true, this is flattering and a big turn on cause it makes you feel special now context is painfully important, if its a club you’re not there for a soul mate, chances are that I don’t want the guy to call me the next day and ask about my hopes and dreams, believe it or not emotions and feelings aren’t the same thing, when girls are with guys we want to feel safe and wanted, doesn’t mean we want to marry you…

    2.”Completely stop talking to your friends about these women. No more dude, did you see that girl? or OMG, she is freaking hot.” Not necessarily, believe it or not some of us like this, its validating to hear it, now having the whole group catcall her or telling a girl to her face I much you want to grab her and shove your whoha up knows where, when you don’t know her is NOT okay, its creepy, feels like we are getting assaulted and screams stranger danger. The idea would be to make SUBTLE sexy comments just loud enough to let us know you like what you see, and IF she reacts POSITIVELY don’t continue making jokes! leave your friends behind and make a move, very few girls will approach a group of guys oogeling her, it can lead to more than one getting the wrong idea, and no one likes to feel outnumbered specially for girls when just one guy is enough to over-power you.

    3.”Every woman, no, every person you meet should live up to your
    standards.” this is a double edged sword and very true, if you think making your socks match your shoes or pants is exaggerating, the best looking girls will change their entire outfit to match their rings. Think about the type of girl you want, that’s the type of man you have to be.

    4.”Good looks is something that is given naturally with a few tweaks along the way” NNNNOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! IDK how this works for guys but this is no where near the case for girls, do me a favor and look up contortion makeup, even so called natural girls work HARD to look natural, if you think a girl is pretty without makeup its even worse!!! there are extremely few people born beautiful so chances are that means this girl has spent either a lot of money on surgery or a good amount of time applying a million different types of creams and doing a bunch of different messages, exercises and techniques EVERYDAY to make the effects permanent, tiny details like when drying your face you have to dab instead of scrub and not use the same towel for your face as you do for your body keeps skin acne and grease free and I’m just scraping the surface of stupid shit we do to look good. On the contrary make a HUGE deal out of it just do so the right way, don’t stalk the girl and take pictures, take as much time to work on your appearance as she does, DON’T for the love of god wear socks and sandals, with basketball shorts and the t-shirt you wore to the gym, as a rule of thumb wear nice close toed shoes and either cargo shorts or pants, make sure you’re clean shaven, with an actual haircut and if you have a beard keep it clean. If she is pretty, it was not easy or free, and if she is wearing, Dolce Gabbana, Sworarski, Gucci or Louis Vuitton it was expensive, seriously get to know brand names, lets you know how much she puts in appearances and show much dinner is gonna cost you.

    Reply
  9. Delilah

    Hello, I’m a girl and wanting to be modest as possible, speaking objectively, there are many “wankers” around me. Countless amounts, everyday, every time I leave my house. First of all, this is could be seen as a reason for envy for some women and honestly there should be no such an excuse for that as beauty comes and goes. Its temporary and as long as you don’t have a bright personality to back it up, it does not mean much.
    After reading this article, I would like to advise, as having experienced such behaviour from men; It can really depend on the situation whether you come off as a “wanker” or not. Yes it does make us lose interest if you suddenly, without getting to know us, act like you’re in love- And that is not because it is creepy,
    It’s simply because it seems fake.
    Would you trust someone who suddenly acts like you are a god/goddess without getting to know you?
    No.
    My best advice for all the men out there would be, to follow either one of these routes:
    1) Show her you like her with your eyes, and when you speak, be arrogant (not rude, but almost like “you dont care about anyone else but yourself”) and mysterious
    And the second route you can take is:
    2) Approach her as a friend. Ask to see her, speak to her, and when you do, only act as a friend for a while, do not go on one-on-one dates, just keep it calm ans friendly. And after a while, if she really is that beautiful (which means by now she knows that every man is capable of liking her) she will begin to wonder why you don’t like her as more than a friend like everyone else does.
    And that my friend is your cue to move it to the romance department ahaha

    Hope that helps! Good luck guys, hope you get that chick!

    Reply
    • john

      doesn’t that second piece of advice suggest being fake though, it sounds like playing a game of deception by friendzoning a woman.

      Reply
      • Sum Guy

        Not exactly. It is more approaching a woman with confidence, confidence that you are valuable to and not going to give it up for just anyone. It’s an approach without expectations, the only expectation is to talk with someone and see if you may click to continue on. It’s that simple, it’s that safe for your ego.

        Just like you might talk to anyone you find interesting, for whatever reason, in this case it was her look that drew you in. Hell if you are in a club of course, that’s why everyone dresses the way they do. 🙂

        Once you get there, and have your self in decent shape, it’s really not hard “getting” a beautiful girl. You’ll begin to experience women showing interest in you, not all of which you have a reciprocal interest in. Then you will understand. That beautiful girl is routing for you not to be a wanker. Just like you start to route for the women that are into you not to be _______, fill in the blank for yourself.

        The part you need to change about yourself is that if you really are a wanker inside, fix it.

  10. paul mark

    Thankyou for all your efforts that you have put in this. Very interesting information. I like this site very much so much superb information.

    Reply
  11. Harry

    Thanks for sharing. I’ve suffered with really bad nerves for as long as I can remember and it’s great to see that there is actually a way out.

    Reply
  12. Shefali

    Nice read 🙂 I was travelling in a metro and I saw two girls giggling and laughing at each other’s jokes. Nobody would ask them if they are jealous of each other because one of them was quite pretty but I couldn’t stop looking at the other girl. Why? She looked very confident while talking and her posture was straight, her dressing sense was on point. She was dusky and had really long hair. So, the point is what makes you different and sets you apart makes you beautiful.

    Reply
  13. The Honest Truth

    It is just too very bad that these type of women really think that they’re all that which their Not at all. What Losers too.

    Reply
  14. Rafael

    Very good artictle .

    All the things the author said were pretty much helpfull and true .
    Good to find some of these articles on the internet cause i really think that they achieve their goal , to help peoples issues

    Reply
  15. Sean

    Am I the only one that thinks this article was complete bs from start to finish? I feel like it was written by Dr. Phil or some feminist impersonating to be one of the guys to make “wankers” feel bad.

    Reply
  16. lucimar bontemps

    Wonderful article! We are linking to this particularly great content on our site. Keep up the great writing.

    Reply
  17. O

    I actually have high standards both for friends and both with women and I am selective and actually I have had \ have very few of them.
    My guess is I am being perceived many times as arrogant or worse – a snob.
    so I don’t really understand how this thing works…

    Reply

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