Not Setting Rules and Boundaries: Biggest Dating/Relationship Mistakes Part Three

I know what you are thinking, you aren’t her father so why do you need rules and boundaries? No you won’t be playing the role of daddy but you can go ahead and give her a nice spank on the ass anyways.

People treat you the way you train them to.

Ever have a friend that was too nice and as a result people walked all over them? Think about how those same people treated you. Unless you are the nice guy who is a human doormat, they treated you much differently because you have self respect and a back bone.

Why did they treat him with such disrespect and not you?

Even though the people were the same, they treated you is different because you trained them to treat you that way.

Creating rules in which to adhere by is all about self respect and love. You tell them what is and what is not acceptable when they interact with you, not only for women but for everyone.

With women it WILL create a lot of attraction. Without rules the attraction will be KILLED and she will make your life a living hell.

Some might do it for the former reason but it’s not wise to use it as an attraction technique because it won’t be congruent. You will be putting on a fake mask of masculinity and you will be quickly exposed.

You should set rules and boundaries to make your life peaceful. It should be for your own self respect and sanity, NOT just to get her panties wet.

I am a really simple person with simple needs. I desire for my life to be as peaceful and calm as it can be. Right now my life is pretty peaceful and setting rules for how people should treat me has made this possible.

I have heard some horror stories from guys that let women do whatever they want and never tell her what is and is not acceptable.

To effectively have rules and boundaries you must NOT fear losing that person. When you fear losing someone you will only go so far to keep your boundaries before caving and giving in.

If you cave and allow unwanted behavior to happen the woman will lose respect for you. She will understand on a deep level that you fear losing her more than you value respecting yourself.

When that moment happens your relationship is on a downward spiral and will end soon enough. She understands on a deep level that she can do WHATEVER she wants and get away with it.

Get over your fear of losing anyone. When you transition from being a doormat to someone with a pair you WILL lose people in your life.

They will tell you that you have changed or are weird but its all bullshit. They are just upset at their inability to control their little whipping boy.

But isn’t that manipulative and controlling?

Setting rules and boundaries is simply being HONEST. When she decides to flirt with your best friend, on the inside you HATE it but you don’t do anything about it. Why? Because you don’t want to lose her.

You are selling out your integrity and honesty in order to keep someone around. You are lying about your real desire for her to not flirt with your best friend to get what you want- that’s true manipulation.

Why should I set rules and boundaries?

Whenever we give our power away to others and take crap from them, it closes our hearts and causes us to pull back. It’s painful to be open with someone and have them take advantage of us or treat us not so nicely.

When you don’t own your strength by setting rules your heart closes, making it harder to forgive and love people. Whenever a person disrespects you or gets away with a little too much and you do nothing about it your self esteem WILL DROP.

You put up with the crap because you don’t love yourself enough to not let people treat you that way.

After a while it becomes a catch 22 situation. You need high self esteem in order to have the energy to set and enforce those rules but your self esteem drops every time that you don’t.

Eventually you just don’t have the energy to do anything about it. You want to make changes but you just don’t have it in you to do so.

Trust will be lost in the process of not setting and enforcing your personal boundaries. Trust in others and trust in yourself will start to disappear.

If you can’t trust yourself enough to have a back bone with others you will keep people at a distance. You will become extremely paranoid about being taken advantaged of.

The whole point of a relationship is to be open and close with someone, to grow and trust each other and to love one another.

None of this can be done if you don’t trust yourself enough to know that you wont let anyone mess with your heart.

She wont be able to trust you because how can anyone trust someone who is weak and never stands up for themselves?

People ONLY respect those that respect themselves.

Without the trust that comes by having self respect she will have no choice but to keep her distance. She can’t open up to someone who isn’t be strong enough to protect her when she is vulnerable after opening up.

Nice Guys

Nice people are some of the angriest people you will ever meet but their anger is mostly internal. They constantly beat themselves up and have tons of resentment towards others that is rarely seen because of how nice they are.

The truth is they aren’t really angry with other people, they are angry with themselves for not developing a spine and putting up with too much crap. They let people walk all over them and ask for more because they don’t want anyone of to disapprove of them.

That fear of disapproval and fear of losing others is so strong that you would be amazed at the amount of disrespect they allow.

By not having and enforcing your own personal rules you will end up with friends or women who will make your life miserable.

Without rules, women will use your dignity as a dishrag to mop up any remaining shred of masculinity out of the sink.

Transitioning From Doormat to a Person of Strength

Start small and take it slowly. If you are dating someone DON’T go gung ho and blast her with 50 million rules and expert her to follow all of them at once.

Going too fast too soon might freak her out. Slowly integrate them into your relationship.

If you are just starting out in your relationship get the rules down as soon as possible. It’s far better to start a relationship off right than to try repair the damage.

Write out a list of things that you will and will not tolerate from other people. Here are a few of my own:

-Only energy allowed in my relationships is love
-Treat me respect and I will do the same to you
-Be nice or be gone.
-If you cant talk to me in a calm, relaxed manor then you must calm down before we talk
-Honesty, integrity and compassion aren’t optional

The first time you let someone know that they over stepped your boundaries you WILL be nervous and scared. Don’t expect yourself to be zen like when you are standing up for yourself for the first time.

Over time and with much practice standing up for yourself will become as easy as asking someone for the time.

*Make sure to hit the stumbleupon button-there are many people who need to know this information.*

Let me know about your experiences with keeping your boundaries and your self respect. See you in the comments

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10 Responses

  1. guillermo

    One of the best articles of the site. I think you should really talk more about this(it´s a pitty that you don´t mention this in any of your books). For me it´s a big confusion with the world “acceptance”. I´m beggining to accept that I´m responsable for the things I bring to the table (even the bad things) or the bad things people trow at me, but I strugle a lot with setting boundaries. I´m trap between the “acceptance ” and “setting rules”. ¿what is the best way to work with both of them and not get confused?

    Reply
  2. Razputin

    Okay, I know these, but how to deliver it, I am either too harsh or too silent. I either break up or wait a bit more patiently. What kind of a notification to say in these kind of situations?

    Reply
  3. Marty

    Thanks for the article, I made a lot of sense. I was dating someone who would use her ballistic temper to squelch any disagreements. When she overstepped my boundaries, and I said something about it, she would blow up. I don’t know when I got tired of sticking up for myself, but it was a long time ago. I did not realize until I read your article that this had happened. I simply did not have the energy. She knew what she was doing, and her mother did the same thing with her. I have broken up with her, she turned out to be an unworkable person and the relationship had no future.

    Reply
  4. Good guy version of a man

    Hi, this might get really long but I would appreciate some attention and perhaps a followup comment because I really need it.

    Okay, I’ve been in a relationship nearly two years now. I’ve always been the guy who was OK if she wanted to go somewhere or do something. I trusted her and I still do. She will not do anything bad ( as far as I can see till now ).
    I have set some boundaries to her and some of them seemed to work fine.
    Lately, after she met my parents and everything became official (this is how it works where I live, you meet parents you are official, okay get along with it please), she started to change. She just told me that she will not ASK me for anything, she will just let me know. I don’t like this and I don’t want this to be the thing she will do. I know myself, and as far as I can’t just lose her I will be okay with everything she does. I don’t want to, that’s the point. I want to tell her that she is wrong, and that she must talk things with me first, of course if she really wants a healthy relationship. My question exactly is; How to make this happen? How to make her listen to me and ask me for things and not just “let me know”?

    PS: I have tried to talk to her, we agreed that she will ask but she changed her mind.

    This has been bringing tensions and fights because she seems not to listen.

    For the moment she is on her vacations with her girl best friend. In some way I was not OK with that, because she just “told me” and didn’t ask me if it is okay.

    Please don’t get bored and say something, someone. It would be really helpful. thanks a lot

    Reply
    • Marcos

      I just don’t think you should tolerate that. I mean, try getting to a middle point because there are things that are reasonable not to ask and there are things that have to be asked. That way there is a balance between you two.
      If she doesn’t agree with that, you must value yourself enough to don’t allow yourself to stay in a relationship that won’t make you happy

      Reply
      • Good guy version of a man

        I followed your suggestions and thought of it so much. Finally, everything is normal and in ease. She is back to what she was. Basically, after I told her these things, I also told her that is her choice. With me and the rules, or without me. She chose me! 🙂

        Thanks Marcos, I hope I will repay someday.
        Best,

      • Marcos

        Hey Good Guy, I’m really glad to hear that it worked well. Today I was in a shitty mood and with this you just made my day so, you already repaid me!! Best of luck, take care!!

    • Ffcc

      DRILL THIS IN UR MIND. U DON’T NEED HER . SHE NOT FOLLOWING UR STANDARDS AND BOUNDARIES IS HER PROBLEM. NOT yours. URE LIVING UR LIFE NOT HERS I HOPE

      Reply

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