Putting Her in the Number One Spot: Biggest Dating/relationship Mistakes Part Five Alex Guest Posts 18 Comments Today’s man doesn’t have a lot going on for him. He doesn’t have a mission, hobby or passion for life. He works a job that he wishes he could quit. He goes out and gets drunk with his buddies wishing he had better friends. He feels stuck in his position in life wanting, waiting, wishing for something better to come along. Out of no where comes a beautiful woman who wants to spend time with him. He is thrown off guard by this pleasant surprise, so much so that he completely forgets about everything else. Most of the time when a guy starts dating a new woman she becomes HIS WORLD. Soon after meeting her he begins to lose any sense of self he once had and puts her first above all else. Everything he had done before he met her has been put on the back burner for his new flame. He ditches his friends at the drop of a hat to spend some time with this girl who he has only known for a short time. He takes off of work to go to the beach with her even though he can’t afford it. Little does he know that this type of behavior is exactly what will drive her away. He is thinking everything is ok while she is looking for the fastest exit out of there. NEVER MAKE ANY WOMAN THE NUMBER ONE PRIORITY IN YOUR LIFE. Putting your girlfriend or date into the number one spot will kill the attraction quicker than anything else. For many reasons: 1. She knows that your self esteem is not high enough When you put a woman in the number one spot you are basically saying her happiness and well being is more important than your own. You might think it is romantic or cute to put her needs above your own but it isn’t. It sends a direct message to the woman that your self esteem isn’t high enough to take care of number one: yourself. Low self esteem men rarely get the girl. Even if they do, they unable to keep her around. 2. Fear of losing the girl If I don’t do what she says or put her first she might leave me- If you do end up putting a woman first and she does leave you should consider yourself lucky. When women are put in the number one spot everything goes to absolute hell where cheating, lying, manipulation and NAGGING become the day to day routine. The small attraction that was once there is completely gone. At that point you will be better off if she decides to call it quits. I have seen and heard some absolute horror stories when the woman decides to stay in it for whatever reason after the attraction level has hit zero. 3. It’s Dishonest Humans are basically selfish creatures, we look out for our own survival and do things for us. When you put others needs above your own you are lying to them about your own desires. For example, your date or girlfriend says hey lets go get hot dogs and you hate hot dogs but you go along with it because you don’t want to upset her. You are being dishonest and lying to her about what you truly want. People rarely do things for others without attachments. Most of the time they do for others because they want something from them, be it attention, love, friendship or sex. They believe that they are being nice but their niceness comes with a price and almost always has an agenda. Being selfish and putting your needs first is simply being honest and honesty is something people can trust. Trust builds attraction on dates or in a relationship. 4. Not knowing any better Society, parents and religion have all shoved the romantic notion of sacrificing everything for a woman to prove to her your love down your throat . This fairy tale story ONLY works in the movies, never in real life. In real life, as MANY of you can attest to, it kills the attraction. Majority of people get their dating/relationship model from their parents. Unfortunately most of your parents relationships aren’t healthy and lack attraction. Mommy orders daddy around while daddy spends his nights fantasying about a life that doesn’t resemble his. He imagines how it would feel to be in a LOVE filled relationship where the ATTRACTION is still going without all the arguing and mothering. Most men figure that this is the way a relationship should be. They have no idea about the possibility of having long lasting attraction based interactions with women-they simple don’t know any better. 5. It’s downright needy Nothing reeks of neediness more than dropping everything in your life to be with a woman. Men do this because they are trying to fill a whole inside of themselves. They feel they lack in someway and need a woman, a car or money to finally feel good about themselves. When you lose your identity in a relationship you are making the woman the center of your world. This puts an extreme amount of unnecessary pressure on her. When you put her above all else it makes the woman feel like she is obligated to be with you forever. She feels like she owes you the same commitment that you have made to her. If the relationship takes on a ‘together forever’ it will start to freak the girl out. She will start to act a little strange but it reality she is planning her exit strategy. Don’t be surprised if she sits you down and says we need to talk. I suggest that you do two things if you are or have in the past put women first above ALL else: 1. Become Selfish I don’t mean be selfish and eat all the chips in the bag but more putting your desires and priorities first. 2. Get your priorities in line “The most important person in my relationships is ME” That should be the frame to keep in mind whether it’s a first date or it’s your two year anniversary. ALWAYS put yourself above ALL else because at the end of the day when you close your eyes and go to sleep there is you and you alone. You may have been with this girl for ten years but you have been with yourself for a lifetime. Become selfish. Become honest and do things for yourself. Make yourself the most important person in your life. Touch her because YOU want to. Kiss her because you want to. Go out to a bar because you want to. Don’t go out to a bar because you don’t to-whatever it doesn’t matter as long as you are doing things on your own terms. *note: it doesn’t mean that you don’t ever do anything for her, it simply means that you do things because you want to. Example: you give her a gift or a back rub because you want to enjoy the pleasure she gets from receiving a back rub or a gift. Don’t do it because you want to get her to stay with you or like you. Get your priorities in line 1. Your health– without your health you can’t have a relationship in the first place. Don’t sleep with a woman if you are tired because you would be putting her needs above your own. She might enjoy the sex but the attraction and respect she has for you will go down every time you do it. 2. Your integrity– Never sell out your honesty or core values for a woman. Even if she doesn’t like that you stuck to your guns she will respect you for it and the attraction will grow. 3. Your mission- Never break your mission for a woman. She needs to know that your mission is greater than her or your relationship. An example of this: Just as I’m typing this my girlfriend called to talk to me. I told her I was writing and to call later on because I was on my mission. For more information on being on your mission check out How to Find and Live Your Mission: http://innergamereframe.com/how-to-find-and-live-your-mission/ 4. Your relationships with women, family and friends She may say that she doesn’t like that you are selfish and put yourself first but the truth is she will LOVE it. She will love it because she has finally found a man who isn’t weak or needy, doesn’t put her first and has a strong sense of self and purpose in life Join over 25,000 subcribersDownload your FREE copy of Seduction Community Sucks now and get in-field videos, subscriber-only articles, and exclusive podcasts delivered directly to your inbox If you're ready to become the kind of Man that attracts confident and in-demand women without trying, then I have a gift to start you on that journey. Seduction Community Sucks is your 159 page kick-start to becoming the kind of Man that makes women go weak at the knees. Get your FREE copy, as well as access to other subscriber-only articles, podcasts, and video footage, now. Get your FREE ebook, hidden articles, in-field videos, and exclusive podcasts here: 18 Responses Richie May 15, 2013 Nope! This is the worst advice. This site says that it is different from the Seduction/Pick-up community, but it’s essentially the same thing. Being selfish and always putting yourself first will make the woman feel unappreciated. Yeah, I have tried this method many times, and each time, she got fed up and/or cheated. I’m not unattractive by any means. I’m at least able to catch the attention of women…but this method is a no-go. This article is basically telling you in the most detailed way possible how to avoid being a beta male. But you know, I’ve found that some really good girls just want a guy to be himself. Doing this faux alpha selfishness thing has never worked and will never work. It’s a given that your health should come first, that’s kind of a default. I don’t know many men who would sacrifice their health for a woman. This article contradicts itself. Some men don’t have a mission worthy of putting before a woman. You guys know what I’m talking about. Some men will read into this and see it as an ‘okay’ or a confirmation that they can ignore their wife or girlfriend. To some men, sitting on their ass, smoking, drinking and playing video games with their buddies IS their mission. I think one should find a greater mission for himself before even looking for a woman. This article is knowledge men already know sprinkled with a little of the seduction community’s pointers and tips. A little disinformation is still disinformation. Oh, and if a girl is really great, you SHOULD feel afraid to lose her. Just don’t tell her that you are 😉 Reply Leigh (LoGun) May 15, 2013 Thanks for the detailed response mate. I used to be in the same bandwagon as you until I realised something very important: If I’m not happy and fulfilled independently of the women in my life, then I’m always going to rely on them to feel fulfilled and happy. If I’m relying on the women, then that means they’re not free. It means I”m placing pressure on them to change who they are to give me what I want. That’s not the recipe for a happy and fulfilled relationship. Two unhappy people coming together and relying on each other to make the other one happy creates a demanding, needy, frustrating environment. To independently happy and fulfilled people coming together creates a loving, caring, empowered environment. I’m not saying that you have to live your life like this or that this is the only way to do it but if you want to create a fulfilled and happy relationship where neither party feels pressured to be or do anything they don’t want to and both have the freedom to live their life on their terms, then I highly recommend you think about it. Reply mary December 9, 2014 i agree that this is not good advice. There is a matter of demanding respect and expecting a woman to follow when you aren’t setting proper boundaries. But being straight up selfish will not create attraction or sustain a failing relationship. It is important to show respect to receive respect and be willing to show when lines have been crossed. But this is really the only way to get passed issues. Reply shelley April 4, 2016 i couldn’t agree more. when a guy does not make time for me, i am OUT of there! Reply Sandra October 1, 2016 As a girl, I completely agree with you. I have recently broke up with an ex who didn’t make me his priority. If I am not his priority, there is absolutely no need to reciprocate. This article is completely misleading. If you wanna be in a happy, healthy relationship, don’t act like a stupid alpha male. Reply K January 17, 2017 This article sucks! Take it from a woman lol Reply Adam August 7, 2013 I’m sorry, but that’s idiotic. if you’re so concerned about losing someone too much, you’ll never feel free to decide for yourself what is best for you. it won’t make her feel unappreciated if she’s realistic about it, it will make her realize that you have a life outside of your relationship with your family and friends. I’ve found that it is incredibly important to keep your life before your relationship intact. no good woman ever makes a man decide between her or his family and friends. That’s why I agree, it’s not because she isn’t important, but that YOU are. It’s nice to think about her, butwhatis it worth if she doesn’t feel the same way for him? that’s do double-standards sexism. Also, don’t criticize a anyone for their hobbies, that’s suppressing their personality and interests and FYI, guys hate that… Reply Dawne December 14, 2014 I call Bull Shit. This is horrible advice, especially bc it is for horrible reasons. #1 – the whole damn thing is framed to put your needs first “as your women will love it” – That is desperate desperate desperate. If you want to do your own thing, do it. Don’t do it as a way to “keep” another person interested. #2 – most women will NOT love it. They want to be part of a partnership, they want a companion- not a toddler. As a woman- don’t listen to this guys. We want SHARED needs, SHARED priorities, SHARED lifestyles because those things aligning show a promising future. #3 – DO NOT (repeat) DO NOT put a relationship with another woman over your love. That will trigger major fears in your relationship and she will make your life more miserable than you knew possible or leave you in a hot second or both. Important to make sure both parties are equally respectful of the other. If that’s not occurring the honest “needs” talk did not happen or wasn’t fully agreed upon. Reply Jay June 16, 2015 I cannot agree with this article enough. Feeling needy in dating or relationships is a sure sign that you are putting someone else first and that you don’t love or respect yourself. Being selfish with your needs makes you happy, healthy and stronger to support others. People who understand their needs first, understand the needs of others and can healthily respond to them – or walk away. Men who treat their partner badly (abuse, neglect) have the same problem as those who treat them overly nice – neither group is happy with themselves. They use others to try and fulfil themselves. It is NOT attractive. Reply James Bobson November 16, 2015 This article, and your comment, I feel are grossly misguided. I’m in a relationship where I very often put my other half first, and that is not a sign of weakness or lack of self-respect. I am incredibly secure, and even happy, with my looks, body, mind etc. etc., and gain fulfilment, and it is because of this that I can be entirely comfortable with putting her first when I need to; I am confident in my ability to make her happy, and I’m so happy most of the time myself for reasons outside of the relationship (though the relationship does still make me happy), and this means I have the strength of mind to focus on her when I have to. The idea spending lots of time with your lady shows a ‘whole’, as the writer of this article so expertly puts it, that needs filling is misguided to say the least; it shows you are compatible enough to be able to live life together, rather than leading separate lives and rendezvousing every now and then as a minimum effort to move things away from ‘fuck buddy’ territories. If they want a meaningful relationship, women want a shared life, as others have said. They do not want you to be chasing you all the time, they want affection and strength simultaneously, passion and excitement but also sensitivity. They don’t want to feel like you’re playing some childish game with them because you’re too insecure to be yourself or open up to them. Have opinions, stand your ground when you need to, it’s good to have a real substance to you, but trying to walk all over them or leave them scrambling after you in your wake is no way to behave if you want anything to last very long. All that said, it’s absolutely fine not to ‘open up’ too early into a relationship, sometimes it’s essential unless you read that they definitely want that. The issue is that people think it’s all games for far too long sometimes, and eventually your other half will get fed up, and even bored. There’s plenty of better ways to keep things exciting, and following the rules in this article for too long actually will completely prevent you from being able to do those things. The chances are she’ll actually be thinking she is NOT the most important thing in your life 9 times out of 10, and doing the odd little thing to make her feel more important to you is much more exciting for her. Reply gene August 2, 2015 there Is some truth to thIs artIcle ..but It Is geared toward amerIcan women.where It’s all based on mInd games. wIth women In other countrIes lIke eastern europe you never have to play these fuckIng mInd games.because they are raIsed In a patrIach socIety…where they are traIned to respect men.and the men naturally have the elements descrIbed In thIs artIcle. the usa has demasculated men through many means..prImarIly femInIsm. Reply ram April 30, 2016 Good! Reply Big little John June 25, 2016 Do this do that don’t do this don’t do that. Fuck off. Be yourself. Be a good person. Confidence? Overrated. Be relaxed. People say confidence is sexy. Fine. If you are truly confident. Don’t be something you are not. Even of you’re not confident. What is confidence anyway? It’s different for some. Calmness is confidence really anyway. People want different things. Some women/men want a good body. Some want a good mind. Some want both. Look after yourself, chill, have some fun and you will attract the RIGHT People. I emphasise right. Men don’t like manly women and women don’t like womenly men ( some of each gender do ) don’t be too sensitive or too strong etc. At the end of the day be yourself and be willing to be a partner. After that if they don’t like you for who you are then fuck them. Be respectful, but strong. Nice, but no ones bitch. Speak your mind and don’t get walked over. Reply Tom June 26, 2016 My exgf cheated apparently because I didn’t make her my priority her new guy is in her back pocket and her in his She is 46 attractive by any mans standard he 57 obese,unattractive and reasonably wealthy least my income and hers combined wealthy..he buys her everything takes her everywhere she lives a life of leisure So it leaves me to wonder with female entitlement mentality on the rise perhaps do we men need to shift our priorities or remain single and look after self first ? Reply Da Boss December 21, 2016 This article is everything a weak man should do. Grow a pair. Know your value and discover a partner that loves your value equally or keep moving brother man. Reply Lauren December 24, 2016 I have guy friends that put their girlfriend first I’m so sick of it well my one guy friend does the one guy that does it all the time really isn’t a friend he’s more like someone I know but don’t see very often one is like a brother but the other one I might kick to the curb if he doesn’t starttreating me equal to his girlfriend Reply Good job April 18, 2017 Good post, keep Reply Some Chick June 3, 2017 I wouldn’t even give ehatever guy acted like this or treated me this way the time of day… worst advuce ever. Reply Leave a Reply Cancel Reply Your email address will not be published.CommentName* Email* Website Notify me of followup comments via e-mail. You can also subscribe without commenting.