Relationship Problems: 4 Critical Mistakes and How To Avoid Them

When I first started my journey of getting better with women…

…I thought that meeting and seducing them was the hard part.

It wasn’t till I got past that hurdle that I realised the REAL work started once you began a committed relationship.

Building a beautiful relationship doesn’t happen by luck.

It takes time, energy, effort, and skill.

Over the past 3 years, I’ve learned a HUGE amount from my relationship with my beautiful girlfriend, and I was able to share a few of the secrets to creating an incredible relationship on a coaching call I just finished.

Claire* was having a few issues with her boyfriend and couldn’t see why he didn’t want to hang out with her. She didn’t know that it was because she’d made 4 of the most critical mistakes you can make in a relationship.

To find out what those mistakes are and how you can avoid them, you can read through the coaching call below.

 

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Claire: Hi, I need relationship advice.

Leigh: Great to hear. You’ve come to the right place. What can I do to help you?

Claire: Well, my boyfriend is starting to ignore me for some reason… It could be family related problems but it seems more often now.

 

CRITICAL MISTAKE 1: Focussing on the symptoms rather than looking for the cause.

Your relationship problems have very little to do with the specific problems you’re seeing. In almost every case, there’s a deeper case that’s creating these symptoms and the most effective way to eliminate these symptoms is to dig deep, find the cause and eliminate it for good.

 

Leigh: Have there been any big shifts in his life recently? What’s changed with his family?

Claire: Not that I know of, and his sister had surgery just recently.

Leigh: Have there been any big shifts in your life?

Claire: hmmm… No, not at all.

Leigh: Ok, that’s good to get out of the way. Let’s focus on the next step.

Claire: okay

Leigh: Attraction is a feeling. He’s going to be attracted to you when you make him feel the way he wants to feel. He’s not going to be attracted to you (and therefore ignore you) when you don’t make him feel the way he wants to feel. How do you think he wants to feel and how can you help him feel that way?

Claire: I suppose he wants to feel that he matters to me, that I do want to be with him. I could try spending more time with him, and being more affectionate towards him?

Leigh: Is that what he wants to feel or is that what you want to feel?

Claire: Wow, I guess that’s what I want to feel.

 

CRITICAL MISTAKE 2: Confusing your wants with your partner’s wants

This is one of the most common mistakes that both guys and girls make when trying to understand their partner. Guys assume that women want to be free and open and women assume that men want to feel loved and appreciated.

They assume that the other person’s desires are the same as theirs but that’s usually never the case. If it was true, then they wouldn’t be having problems. They’d be having an incredible time connecting with the other person.

To build a solid and long-lasting relationship you need to stop looking at the world through your eyes and start looking at it through your partner’s.

 

Leigh: Ok, great. What do you think he wants to feel? If you’re having trouble working it out, have a look at the activities that he really enjoys doing and then see if you can work out how he feels when he’s doing them

Claire: he loves playing football, so… he feels excited, a champion, undefeated, but ignoring my texts to make plans isn’t something I think he knows he’s doing to upset me.

Leigh: Ok, great. You’ve identified what he really loves. Would you say that you make him feel excited and challenged in a way that gives him something to work towards but it’s something that he can eventually win at?

Claire: Yes, I hope so.

Leigh: Really? Because if he was feeling like that with you – challenged, excited, but he felt like this was something he can eventually overcome – wouldn’t he want to spend more time with you?

Claire: That makes sense, how do I know what I’m doing wrong?

 

CRITICAL MISTAKE 3: Thinking that ‘what’ you’re doing that is a problem.

The reason that your partner doesn’t feel connected / powerful / happy / free / challenged / sexy / whatever around you has nothing to do with ‘what’ you’re doing and everything to do with how you’re feeling around them.

If you’re feeling nervous, closed down, and shy around them, then it won’t matter what you do because you’ll still give off the same vibe. To help the person you want experience what they want, you have to start with something deeper.

 

Leigh: Ok. Well, here’s the part where we really start to get to work. It’s not so much a ‘doing’ that has to change but it’s a ‘being’. Have there been any times in your life where you felt super confident and strong and happy and were playful and joking and pushed everyone around in a fun way? Even if it was for a few minutes or a few hours?

Claire: yes

Leigh: Great. What was it? Can you describe it to me?

Claire: During a soccer game a week ago, I had so much confidence we would win (which we did) that I became cockier and felt important.

Leigh: And how do you think that made the people around you feel?

Claire: we all became confident, and had a sense of pride that this would be an easy game.

Leigh: Do you think it made them feel excited?

Claire: extremely

Leigh: Great. Is the way you felt at the soccer game different to how you feel around your boyfriend?

Claire: yes, it’s different. I’m much more closed up, more shy around him, no confidence that shines through. I think my actions and words very thoroughly before I say them or do them

Leigh: And how do you think that changes how he feels around you? Do you think that makes him feel the way he wants to feel? Challenged, excited, happy?

Claire: I think he must feel like I don’t want to be around anymore, he must feel shy too.

Leigh: Ok, great. You’re doing well. This is all very good. So here’s how I see the situation. Your boyfriend likes to feel challenged and excited and when he does, he’ll want to spend more time with you. The times in your life when you make people feel challenged and excited is when you feel confident and strong. So, in order to make your boyfriend want to spend more time with you, you need to take care of yourself first and foremost. You need to do what you need to do to feel confident in yourself. You need to take time out to be happy without him. So that when you do spend time together, you can share that happiness and confidence you have in your life rather than trying to get it from him.

Claire: yes it does, thank you so much, you put this in the perfect perspective. It is true; I try to find happiness in him, not without him.

Leigh: Great. This is really important to see. You don’t have a problem with your relationship with your boyfriend; you have a problem in your relationship with yourself. That has to change. You have to make yourself happy first. When you fix your relationship with yourself, your relationship with your boyfriend will change.

Claire: This makes total sense.

Leigh: Now the important stuff: what do you need to change about your life to put yourself first? How much time do you spend every day doing things that make you happy? Without your boyfriend.

Claire: about 2 hours, at the most

Leigh: And is that working for you? Is it helping you to become independently happy?

Claire: no it isn’t. My thoughts of him take over completely, where he becomes all I think about.

Leigh: And because you’re focussing on him rather than what you’re doing, how enjoyable does that make the activity?

Claire: Not fun at all

Leigh: Where are you focussing when you really enjoy the activity?

Claire: On what I’m doing

Leigh: So what do you need to focus on when you’re doing the things you love to make sure you’re happy and confident?

Claire: Wow… I need to stop thinking about him and start thinking about me…

 

CRITICAL MISKATE 4: Thinking that actions are the key to making yourself happy.

It’s not the actions you do that make you happy / fulfilled / excited / confident. It’s the focus you bring into that activity that determines how you feel when you’re doing it.

Being able to be happy, confident, and free to give your partner what they need has nothing to do with changing what you’re doing and everything to do with changing where you’re focussing whilst you’re doing it.

 

Leigh: Great. That’s really good. You’re getting it. So what has to change here that you need to change the way you think about your relationship with him. Instead of it being a place that you go to become happy, it needs to become a place that you go to share happiness. Can you see that?

Claire: yes. I should be able to share happiness from my life without him, from events he wasn’t a part of, so we can talk about it together.

Leigh: Great. That’s right. If you can only think about him, that’s fine. Think about him. And then think about what you need to do to make your relationship with him as happy as possible. And that’s to do stuff that makes you happy without him. So, don’t fight the fact that you’re thinking about him. Acknowledge that you’re thinking about him. Acknowledge that you want a happy and positive relationship. And then acknowledge that in order to have a happy and positive relationship, you need to direct your attention back onto doing what you love doing and being happy without him.

Claire: I have to be happy with or without him by my side, therefore to share my happiness with him when he is near.

Leigh: Yeah, that’s it.

Claire: Thank you so much!

Leigh: It’s my pleasure. Has that answered your questions?

Claire: Yes, thank you (:

Leigh: Wonderful. I’m glad to know I could help out.

 

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Obviously, these aren’t the only 4 mistakes you can make in a relationship.

But if you eliminate these 4, you’re going to go a long way to building a beautiful relationship.

NOTE: The two things I found most interesting about this coaching call were that the problems guys have in relationships are very closely aligned with the problems guys have in starting relationships. And the problems that women have in relationships are very closely aligned with the problems that women have in starting relationships.

Just something to keep in mind.

 

In Conclusion

So, if your relationship isn’t as rewarding, exciting, and passionate as you’d like it to be, chances are that you’re making one of these 4 mistakes and you need to deal with it.

If you want guidance on the journey of becoming the confident, strong, free, and happy kind of Man who can give freely to anyone in his life (including his girlfriend), then your opportunity is almost here.

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Leigh

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9 Responses

  1. Sean

    This was an interesting post for all the single guys on the idea of being independently happy through activities.

    My question is what if youre doing activities you thoroughly love but aren’t experiencing the normal fulfillment and your mind tends to drift or get drained. How do you make those experiences rewarding for yourself?

    And another thing I noticed is that I seem to be more towards the side of feeling needed loved and wanted perhaps because that’s something I’ve been aiming for a good chunk of my life?

    Any ideas?

    Reply
    • Zach

      Well to experience fulfillment you gotta be constantly pushing yourself in my opinion. Living your edge and staying at the edge of your comfort zone.

      If your mind drifts then I recommend meditation, as they can REALLY help improve your focus.

      And if you feel like you need to be accepted and validated then yeah, that’s something you’ve probably done for most of your life. You’ve associated with it and ran patterns for years of your life that helped you get that.

      It’s only once one gets to a place where they realize that that’s not working for them can they ever hope to change.

      That’s what we’re here for though, to help solidify that change in guy’s lives 😀

      Reply
      • Sean

        Yeah on the comfort zone thing I’ve decided to cut out all things that aren’t necessary. Goodbye Facebook,pointless web browsing,pointless videos,300 tabs. And then when I’m doing something an if it feels uncomfortable? That’s when you push even harder and go all in. It’s fighting that urge to run,to stay cozy an instead throw yourself into the dirt where things happen.

        Check out my latest journal update for more info

  2. Optimusprime

    great article, I’m going through this amazing, incredible you turn a guy finds the girl and enter into a relationship with her, but then you get to see the big problems, emotional games, jealousy, unable to take his girlfriend’s head, fear of betrayal … but after that I went through this hell and she gave me a kick in the ass, I became a man much MUCH better, much more strong.

    Thank Logun.

    Reply
  3. Jammer

    CRITICAL MISKATE 4: Thinking that actions are the key to making yourself happy.

    This is a great one. I love Kung Fu, but if I go on an empty stomach, I get nothing out of it because I spend the time unfocused, instead thinking about food. Damn my super-fast metabolism sucks sometimes!

    Reply
  4. Mario

    “The problems guys have in relationships are very closely aligned with the problems guys have in starting relationships. And the problems that women have in relationships is closely aligned with the problems women have in starting relationships”.

    Would you be able to elaborate or put this another way Leigh?

    Reply

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