Dealing With Her Male "Friends" Leigh Guest Posts 124 Comments When you start to step into the world of becoming a remarkable Man, a lot of things change. Life becomes easier, work becomes fun, and you start to attract high-quality women. Great? Yes. Without a doubt. But it does come with challenges. One thing you’re never told about attracting high-quality women is almost without exception, you’ll find them surrounded by other guys. Why? Because they’re high-quality. Other guys, just like you, are attracted to high-quality women. It’s not rocket surgery. If you’re attracted to her, there’s a very good chance a lot of other guys are going to be as well. And they’re going to want to spend time with her, flirt with her, sleep with her, whatever… For the exact same reasons you do. And there’s no denying: it’s a tough place to be. It easily brings up fears, doubts, insecurities, problems, and challenges that whilst you might have dealt with in some small way previously, you might not have faced on this kind of level. So, how do you deal with these male ‘friends’? How do you deal with the guys who like to lurk around your girlfriend like bargain hunters on black Friday waiting to grab that 52” TV they can’t even really afford, let alone need? How do you deal with them texting her, calling her, wanting to spend time with her? And how do you deal with the inevitable jealousy and insecurities that naturally appear in your life? There are two different strategies you can take here: The Outer and The Inner. Let’s start with The Outer. Dealing with her Male “Friends” Strategy 1: The Outer The Outer strategy is simple: try to control everything external to your inner world. Control her relationships with the guys, control her contact with these friends, and control her communication with these dudes. You demand that she doesn’t see them. You check her text messages. You listen in when she makes phone calls. You can complain about how insecure it makes you feel because you know they want to sleep with her and how she needs to stop it. You do it all and you do it often. You tell her how she needs to live her life so you feel better and you can leave her if she doesn’t comply. Simple. Easy. Straight-forward. Effective? Debatable. Do you think a high-quality woman with plenty of options is going to put up with someone controlling her like this? Do you think a high-quality woman’s going to want to be with someone who’s so insecure that they’re terrified of her hanging with a few male friends? Do you think a high-quality woman’s going to remain independent and strong (two of the qualities I’m sure you’re attracted to in her) when you’re dictating and controlling her free time? Hmmm… No, I don’t think so. The problem with The Outer strategy is that it only really works on insecure women with no options. They have nothing better going in their life and so they’re willing to put up with a domineering and controlling partner who allows his insecurities to dictate who she can and cannot spend her time with. Is that the kind of woman you want? When you imagine your perfect future, do you wake up every day next to a needy and dependent woman who allows everyone else in her life control her actions? No, I didn’t think so. And if that wasn’t enough, The Outer strategy also has another serious flaw: you’re not solving the real problem. Even if you can effectively control her life and who she communicates with in one moment in time, you can’t stand next to her 24 hours a day watching who she speaks to and who she spends time with. And even if you could, she’s eventually going to meet more guys. She’s going to work with a guy. She’s going to get served at her local store by a guy. The plumber who turns up to fix the blocked pipe is going to be a guy. Unless you lock her in a cupboard (holy fuck, please don’t), she’s going to meet guys just by living her life, and you can’t control that. Spending your life trying to control the people she spends time with (The Outer) is a flawed and painful strategy and is never going to allow you to create an incredible relationship with a high-quality woman. The best case scenario is that you have to spend the rest of your life being paranoid and constantly monitoring how your partner is living her life. The worst case scenario is you end up with a dependent, weak, needy woman who eventually leaves you for some other jerk. So, that brings us to strategy 2: Dealing with her Male ‘Friends’ Strategy 2: The Inner The Outer strategy dealt with everything outside your control, namely her, her communication, and her friends. The Inner strategy deals with everything inside your control, namely: You. Do you know why you don’t trust her around male friends? No, it’s not because of some evolutionary psychology brain structure or some hard-wired biological state, it’s for one of two reasons: 1. You don’t trust your girlfriend 2. You don’t believe you’re as attractive as the other guys That’s it. That’s all it comes down to. There’s nothing else to blame, like the media, your parents, or some book you read. It’s just one of those two things. Firstly, if it’s #1, WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU WITH A WOMAN YOU DON’T TRUST??? Seriously, get rid of her. If she’s not trustworthy then ditch her and find a woman who is! And don’t give me that crap about “All women are cheaters and you can’t trust any of them!” That’s a load of crap. There are plenty of high-quality, trustworthy women on this planet. I could introduce you to two a dozen beautiful, fun, attractive, and trustworthy women today. Now, onto #2. This is the most likely cause of your issues with her male ‘Friends’. You know how I know? How much time to do you think George Clooney spends worrying about whether or not that guy in the office down the hall from his wife wants to sleep with her? How much time do you think Brad Pitt devotes to monitoring the text messages Angelina’s sending to that who’s editing her latest script? A whole bunch of fuck-all. Why? Because they know they’re the shit. They know they’re top dog. They know, without a doubt, that they’re some of the most attractive men on the entire planet and therefore, they don’t care who their partners are talking to. With that in mind, can you guess what The Inner strategy consists of? You’re right: get plastic surgery to look like Brad Pitt! Or, if the idea of spending hundreds of thousands of dollars and plastering someone else’s face over yours is slightly weird, just become the most attractive version possible of yourself. Seriously attractive. Like the most attractive guy any girl you know has ever met. That’s it. That’s the whole strategy. Deal with your insecurities, deal with your limiting beliefs, create a life that’s exciting and fulfilling, become strong, powerful, Independent, and learn to share the excitement, passion, and joy you have in your life with the high-quality women who pass through your life. And as you’re doing that, find one who’s excited to be part of the incredible adventure you’re on and then take it from there. If you do this, not only will your partner forget that every other man on earth exists because she’s so fucking excited to be part of your life, but you also won’t be worrying about who she’s talking to. Your life will be so incredible and filled with such amazing people that you’ll be far too busy having a great time to worry about who your girlfriend is texting. Which Strategy is for You? When you think about your future, in particular, your future relationships, which of these two options sounds more like the life you want to live? Dating insecure and needy women who’re happy to have their life controlled by an equally insecure and demanding guy and trying to make sure none of your insecurities about your own self-worth are triggered by demanding that your partner doesn’t speak to anyone she might find more attractive than you Creating an exciting, rewarding, and fulfilling life free from the insecurities and doubts that hold most guys back and dating strong, confident, high-quality women who’re excited about being part of your life If you chose #1, then you’re in a lot of trouble, for a long time. If you chose #2, then we’re here to help. Start your journey by downloading Seduction Community Sucks directly below. It’ll show you the foundations of what it takes to be a confident, strong, and remarkable Man and how you can take control of your life today. Join over 25,000 subcribersDownload your FREE copy of Seduction Community Sucks now and get in-field videos, subscriber-only articles, and exclusive podcasts delivered directly to your inbox If you're ready to become the kind of Man that attracts confident and in-demand women without trying, then I have a gift to start you on that journey. Seduction Community Sucks is your 159 page kick-start to becoming the kind of Man that makes women go weak at the knees. Get your FREE copy, as well as access to other subscriber-only articles, podcasts, and video footage, now. Get your FREE ebook, hidden articles, in-field videos, and exclusive podcasts here: 124 Responses Miles Jameson December 18, 2012 For 5 months I have been emotionally damaged from my ex girlfriend`s friendships with men. All i ever wanted was respect and honesty, but I would get neither. This hurts beyond belief. It all started when my girlfriend started working with people with learning disabilities, I was pleased for her as I could see how much she was enjoying her new role. However, it all started when we was at her mum`s house, and she was on facebook. She made a point of showing me the profile of one of her male colleagues, and stated that ” he has a nice personality, and he looks nice in this picture”. I was exremely disappointed because I knew she was purposely trying to provoke me. I told her that she was “very young”, which she didn`t appreciate. I didn`t care, I would have never done that to her, it seemed so childish. So then, I had to accept that my girlfriend was friends with a man at work, who she obviously found appealing. I was very mature about it, and I never mentioned it again, but I was very aware of what was taking place. A couple of weeks later, my girlfriend had a day off work because of a doctor`s appointment. She was in the bathroom and her phone rang, I looked at the caller ID, and saw that it was her male colleague. My girlfriend asked me to pass her the phone, which I did. When my girlfriend came off the phone, she came into the bedroom stating “my colleagues miss me when I`m not there”. I was like “really”. Inside I was really upset with this, as I could see that they had exchanged phone numbers, and now this man is calling my girlfriend. I started thinking if she ever told him that we was together and living together. Either way I felt that he was crossing a boundary, but I also knew that I didn`t have a leg to stand on because my girlfriend didn`t seem to have any issues with this. Fine, again I didn`t say a word. A few days later, I just had to speak my mind and I told my girlfriend that I was uncomfotable with her giving her phone number to men. We spent the whole day texting back and forth (we was both at work). I told my girlfriend to pack my things and i would move out when I got home. When I got home she talked me out of moving out. The very next day early afternoon, who calls my girlfriend ? It was him, I knew at that moment that my instincts were spot on and my girlfriend and this guy were getting very close underneath my nose. They spoke for around 5 minutes, obviously he sussed that I was there and hadn`t move out like my girlfriend probably told him. When my girlfriend came off the phone, she stated “go on then, I know you want to say something”. I said “I have nothing to say”. I didn`t see the point, I could see that it was a losing battle. I just stated “please tell me the truth, are you telling this man about our problems?”. She stated “no, but I admit he has seen me crying over you”. What a coincidence that he would call the very next day after we had a huge fall out. Am I paranoid ? I don`t think so. I didn`t say anything more, I just tried my best to accept that my girlfriend is close with other men. It didn`t stop there. This next incident I believe was the beginning of the end for us. My girlfriend came home from work, kissed me and hugged me then got a cd from her collection and just left the flat. She never said a word and she was gone for atleast half an hour. Can you imagine, I`m fuming at her lack of manners. Anyway when she finally returned, she was NEVER going to explain where she went with the cd. I could not believe the lack of respect she was showing me. I had to be the one to ask where she went and to whom did she give the cd to. I had a feeling who it was, I just wanted the truth. Now this is where my girlfriend showed me how immature and ruthless towards my feelings she was. When i asked her who she went to meet and give the cd to, she answered “I got nothing to say”. At that point i lost my temper, I swore at her and I stormed out of the flat. I lost all respect for her after that, and I could see that she no longer valued me or the relationship. Within the following month or so, we was as good as over. After months of giving my all, I just exploded and told her a few home truths. May I just add that I believe there were a couple more male friends that she had. She just loves the attention. Now this is the hard part. During our break up (about 1 month in) we discover that she is pregnant. Stupid me was thinking that this would put everything into perspective and that we need to communicate effectively. My ex made no secret of the fact that she was not happy with the pregnancy, and this killed me inside. Even when the nurse at the early pregnancy unit, confirmed the pregnancy, my ex cried and wouldn`t speak to me. If looks could kill. 2 months prior to the pregnancy, she told me that she would be so happy to be pregnant with my child. Now this, confusing isn`t it ? My ex was kept in over night because of severe stomach pains, and I returned to the hospital in the morning. The tension between us was very difficult, we hardly spoke and when she did it was with great hostility. This was a nightmare for me, who wants to have their first child like this. Obviously my ex had to call work and notify them of her absense, within minutes who calls her ? It was him, and my ex soon perked up. Very polite and very respectful. I could only wish that she could show me that same respect. He told her that he would visit her, she told him to come to the early pregnancy unit. God knows what he was thinking. Other male colleagues called her when they got wind of her situation, and I just had to accept that these men were important to my ex, and I was treated like an enemy. It was extremely painful for me. When her colleagues visited her, my ex made sure I was absent. She never wanted me to meet them, and this was very hard for me. I know now that she was not the right woman for me. Anyway, my ex had a miscarriage and I truly believe that this was a blessing. She never really loved me, and I am certain that she NEVER really spoke highly of me with her male friends, because if she did there would have been respect and boudaries. We still stayed in touch and even became intimate on a few occassions, we even spoke of trying again. I was still hurting from many things in the relationship, and I told her how i felt. My ex dosen`t have the empathy to understand or care about my feelings an so she one day just cut all contact and even threatened to call the police if I called her or text her again. I just could`nt believe it. She told me to move on because she has. I could`nt help but think that maybe she started something with one of her male friends, after all she`s had more than enough time to build connections. I just feel like such a fool and the pain is so real. Sometimes I think to myself, that her male friends played a part in me losing her, but I don`t blame them. My ex is very pretty and has a wonderful body. She uses this to her advantage and she is an expert at manipulating men into worshipping her and feelng sorry for her. It killed me that she was so respectful of them but cold and evil towards me. Anyway, I know I have said alot but I just want people to know that there is a thin line when it comes to opposite sex friendship. In my experience, I NEVER once accused my ex of a physical/sexual affair. I didn`t believe this was the case. However I am 100% certain that she was involved in emotional affairs, and this can be just as damaging and painful. If you really do love and respect your partner, introduce them to your opposite sex friends, and allow them to interact with each other. NEVER keep your partner apart from your opposite sex friends. It arouses suspicion and is truly disrespectful. Respect each other Reply Leigh (LoGun) December 18, 2012 Great comment mate. Thank you for sharing all that. It’s a hard thing to go through but it’s clear that you’ve been able to learn and grow from it. Reply Gary Lee April 19, 2013 It’s painful story. Reply lee jr July 25, 2014 I have a similar situation but a lil different, i have a friend with benefits who ive been dealing with for a while and shes always telling me how much she wants to be with me, and how much she can be the best thing for me, ive told her shes not readyas well as me cause im not ready to be in a relationship, im done with the drama of just the mind games of fguring out why a female is deciding to lie and say there not flirting with the guys at there job, and dont talk to any one, im focusing on myself and my priorities, until i feel comfortable enough to wanna do that, im tryna be stable, she says she is n love with me but when i ask y she doesnt no, and jus says i jus do, jus no i,do, doesnt even no y she wants to be with me, i guess comfortability, we argue alot about things i tell her not to do like speak to me about guys that want her to ne in a relationship with her and how thy jus d nt care if she says she has a man or not, but still talks to thm, but get mad at me for the females i no, i still feel like im not ready to deal with these situations again, dont have time, i would love an opinion about this, im28 shes 22 Reply Alex November 29, 2015 She’s immature. Chas October 29, 2014 Thanks for your story. I can relate to your story the only difference is I believe there were benefits provided . Reply Eli February 12, 2015 Your story really touched my heart man, i almost cried! I am sorry that you lived through such pain! But it makes us stronger brother Reply Anonymous November 5, 2015 Go to shrink 4 men and learn about these natcissistic women who think the rules dont apply to them. They have no empathy. All they care about is themselves. They feel entiyled to cheat and have many sex partners. Read up on narcissism. OrdinaryJoe February 19, 2015 Sorry to hear what you went through…. I dated woman for a few years that made me feel like I was competing for her time with her male friends that she knew before I was in the picture. The male friends were either ex-boyfriends or wanna be boyfriends. I eventually told her how I felt and that I would never do that to her…. She would be treated way better than an of my old friends (respect). I was told they were just friends…. The friends would always have comments about me without knowing me, how much I loved her and how I wouldn’t do anything to hurt her. I wanted to marry this woman… How the relationship wouldn’t work. I told her that they want to get back with her… I responded by saying “treat me the same way I treat you”… I treated her like a queen…. Anyway, I gave her space and tried to trust her. There is nothing wrong to have old friends but when those friends are in constant communication and your time with your woman starts to dwindle because she has to meet up or do something with a friend. ClueWhen women says she meeting up with a friend, its a guy, otherwise she will say girlfriend. I told her that I would like to meet your friends and that when the excuses came up about why we couldn’t meet up. To make a very long story shorter, she didn’t value our relationship enough to be respectful to me (boundaries) and being in constant contact with exes doesn’t allow a current relationship to grow because she will always have an ex to fall back on if everything is not perfect. There was no real commitment…. Sad lesson to learn. There are many red signals early on in relationships, but we tend to ignore and hope they will get better… Trust God that someone better is on the way…Peace Reply Elaine, a woman March 30, 2015 I’m a woman reading this. The girl has a miscarriage – her baby dies – and you call it “a blessing”. The death of a human being inside her – just because she doesn’t tap dance with a grin 24/7 around your ego and feelings and cater to you all hours of the day like she was your freaking mommy. Not one thing in this story describes anything, even a moment of love, or a crumb of appreciation, you gave to HER. Count how many times the word “I” is written in your story. I did. I sympathize with your ex-gf and can see exactly how that better man worked his way in and why she left you. You’re a selfish, insecure, possessive and controlling twit, that’s why. Reply ElaneisDumb April 17, 2015 You’re a typical dumb woman who only sides with another obviously disrespectful woman. I’m sure you treat your man, or men, the same way this guy’s ex treated him. F you and the horse you rode in on. Teat April 23, 2015 Oh fuck off Miles Jameson May 1, 2015 Fisrt of all i have not been on here for years then i came across Elaine`s message. I was very suprised. Not going to go back and forth with Elaine, but my ex was a narcassist and believe me they are all about( I ). I stand by what i said and it was for the best that we did not have a baby together. My ex is not emotionally mature enough for a serious relationship. That i know now. So Elaine you are very much entitled to your opinions and beliefs. I am very suprised by what you said. My opinion is that you are very ignorant. What i wrote was only the half, there were many more stories that would disturb the average human being. As for the BETTER MAN WHO WORKED HIS WAY IN….He is now in a Psychiatric hospital. And my ex, she has been trying to reach out to me for years, to the point where i had to change my number. It took years to get over her and i have taken advice and support from many people who have had similar experiences, even worse. Believe me, being involved with a Narcassist is no joke. So Elaine, i wish you all the best, but seriously you could`nt have been serious with those comments. There must be some empathy and understanding within you dick July 1, 2015 hahaha i know your kind missy real welll and YOU are the same way his ex girlfriend was .. a sex addicted female that cant control her hormones long enough to keep a relationship with any guy real.. you will always want a new thrill and that is what you live for is sex with other men any time you get a chance you will meet up with other men because you are addicted to sex..aka just another slut that cant kontrol her hormones.. and never will these women change there lifestyle they will always be sluts forever. Mike A July 25, 2015 Your comment is so stupid… Of course he is going to use the word “I” because he is telling us a story about himself and what he went through. that girl treated him like shit… He isnt asking for her to treat him like his “mommy” and be nice 24/7, he is simply saying she should treat him with the respect that she treats everyone else. Honestly your comment proved nothing but how dumb you are! get a life Matt, a man September 2, 2015 Bringing a child into a world without parents to love them is not ideal, and it was definitely a blessing these two people didn’t have to do that to a child. Using the word I too much ? It’s a story. From his perspective. Are you so stupid that you don’t know how to write a story? How are you supposed to write this without using “I”. Get an education. Tap dance with a grin 24/7? He asked for respect. Something she was not showing him. Treat him like his mommy? Are you serious? Do you have half a brain cell? You are exactly like his ex girlfriend. You probably ARE his ex girlfriend. This is why Elaine is going to die alone. And I hope it’s slow. And painful. You deserve nothing but the worst. Ignorant waste of life. You do nothing good with your life, I can tell your a self absorbed man bashing feminist. Suck a fat one Elaine , seriously, you suck at life. Give up. Pull the shoot and end it already you miserable loser. Loverboy May 30, 2016 ALL women who insist on maintaining close relationships with male “friends” WILL screw around. Not if just when. It is a lame bs excuse to have your cake and eat it too. When the table is turned then all of a sudden its wrong. LOL Casual dating ? That is a whole different story ! I could care less how many male friends she has. I don’t have that problem because women who have lots of male friends are classified as “party girls” where I hunt prey.. Wham bam, Thanks, Goodbye. I never have and never will get involved in a serious relationship with a party girl. James August 31, 2016 You are a nice guy who deserves a better woman who can appreciate you better. If this gril can put her priority of other guys before you. Then she is truly immature and selfish of her too.. believe me What she is doing to you now , her next boyfriend who tried to bed her will do it with another girl coleaague when she is not by his side. Karma will.come around. Trust me. I have seen it happened. My ex came back to ask for a reconcillation when she found that the guy colleague she left me for, did what he did to her to another girl cokkague who is prettier and tounger than her. I have warned her by giving he easily over 30 chances but she never once appreciated it. I was heartbroken for almost 3 minths but i am happier with a new girlfriend who shares my beliefs in priority for your lovred ones in whatever we do. I have never being so in love. Good luck buddy. Dustin Lee September 15, 2016 Neither side is black or white.. When a significant other begins to put time into other people and especially when you see the difference in those and your interactions, it hurts and can definitely damage trust.. Everyone is different… Without knowing both sides, can it. If your partner straight up does not tell you where she’s going (to see other guys), and gets angry at your inquiry (whether it’s been happening for awhile or the first time) then intuition would tell me something is not right.. If it were something (trait, physically, etc) she desired more in the other guy, she shouldn’t have “settled” with someone, only to treat them like shit because she feels entitled to or not as connected, because she was never fully in it.. If there were things he did that uoset her, she should have confronted those and they talk shit out.. Simply, if there’s a problem, talk about it, DIRECTLY. If one side is intolerable, or abusive to the relationship… Then have a nice f***ing life. You sound like you’re doing something similar in your own relationship, and you’re gathering/comparing similar experiences to your own…. Slμts of a feather, lie together… Eric April 29, 2015 She was crying to him? That means that guy was friendzoned and she was using him for an emotional tampon. You had initially nothing to worry about, but your jealously would lower her attraction towards her. Reply Josh July 7, 2015 A shoulder to cry on , becomes a dick to ride on. You know it, everybody knows it. He was the backup plan. Dustin Lee September 15, 2016 Emotional tampon… Can become Emotional Infidelity.. Partners need to keep their relationship matters in the relationship, and be responsible for maintaining their emotions in inappropriate situations.. Regardless of what problem/s there may be hypothetically, they need to be discussed and either a solution found, or bags packed. A legit couple should be able to communicate. If not, there’s no relationship to begin with. Agm September 20, 2015 I feel your pain brother. It must have been truly painful for you to go through such an experience. You tried to be the best man you could be, and you got nothing in return. You deserve so much better than that. I wish you the best in life mate. Reply william October 23, 2015 I agree.i myself am going through a similar situation. It really hurts that she treats her male friends with more respect and care than me…I personally think that they are being intimate with one another..I even saw a text of her friend saying some fresh things to her..and she didn’t try to cut him off..she just flirted back.i have a son with her so I’m AL in for keeping my family but at what cost …her unhappiness of being wit me and my misery of knowing she is sleeping around with her male friends..she gets so defensive when I ask about them..one guy in particular..so I don’t know what to do..sold I stay for my son and keep auffering..or should I just break up ..? Reply Erx December 2, 2015 Listen to me buddy, this is my second post to you after i’ve read your second post. I care about you, and there is only one way to make this work, the situation i’ve described above. YOU WILL NEVER get this to work by bringing it up with her anymore, don’t discuss the “her cheating” issue since the situation has gone way too far for that to work. You’re only way to fix this is to be brave as hell and to do what i described in my first post. even when she is acting like she will separate from you, don’t worry, she is just testing your nerve and inclination, she is trying to determine how real you are about it. she will act like she is fine with it, don’t fall for this and play along! Remember, setup the story before hand over a couple weeks, let her think you might be doing something suspicious and leave the house and come back later, make up an excuse that will tide her over when questioned, but eventually when you break it off with her, she will remember these suspicious nights and it will all fall into place for her! There is no other way around the situation your in, you need the tension of separation, of you thinking you are better than her for her to want you again. Mel October 23, 2015 All down to trust. If there is no trust there is no point. Nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex as long as you don’t cross the line. I have male colleagues who I get on very well with, and my boyfriend ( who I am in a long distance relationship with ) is a police officer who works long shifts with a female colleague. He spends more time with her than he does me! But it’s work, we have to do it. I trust him, and if I found out that he had ever cheated I would be gone. Sometimes you have to let go a little and just be…. The more you trust the more respect you will get back, and hell , if they cheat, would you really want them anyway?? ? Reply billbrownsmithjohns February 29, 2016 I think there is a third aspect to the inner theory that wasnt mentioned. Being in a new relationship, where you significant other has been friends with a few of these guys for a lot longer, you doubt your relationship because you haven’t had the time to connect with her on the same level that they have. Reply Seneya April 15, 2016 Hey there I hope you are doing good now. I had the same issue, I used to have a lot of male friends but not because I want them to be interested in me but I felt as guys understood me better. When my bf (now ex) entered my life he was very bothered seeing me talking to a lot of male friends. He constantly told me to cut those guys out of my life to which I protested at first. I never flirted with those guys and failed to see why he was being so insecure. I told him everything about every friend of mine. I assured him there was no need to be insecured because only he mattered to me more than anything else. But his sadness never lessened till I decided to end friendship with almost every guy, I did this because I really loved him and seeing him sad was the very last thing I wanted to do. The thing is if needed I would have killed myself just to see him happy. Cutting contacts with my friends was really difficult but I was ready to sacrifice for him. I loved him, trusted him and respected him from the bottom of my heart. And no, we didn’t break up regarding this issue. When I read your comment I felt like sharing my experience. Reply Eric September 5, 2016 Miles , Thanks for sharing the story , to be honest after reading that story I feel like I’m currently in the type of relationship , I feel like I’m going exactly what you went through. So currently at this very moment I’m with my girlfriend of three years , and it’s getting quite difficult, she is in college studying to become a personal trainer , is what she likes to do and I support her , and I sometimes joke around her that she could give me free personal training sessions at a gym when she gets hired. She would laugh and what not. Now me as I am I’m not person that gets jealous or Insucere cause I trust my Girlfriend . She prove clearly that she cared about me and love me . BUT keep in mind this was before she started school. Once school started for the very first time , she called me and she said that she ,” loved ” her program and classes and I was happy , but what didn’t know at that time that she was and another girl the ONLY two girls in the ENTIRE program for that year…the rest well you guess it ,were all males. Now I didn’t found until a week later , I didn’t react I didn’t say anything I just ok and told her ” well let me know if anything happens in that class” and she reply of course , now later with time on her Facebook cause sometime I’ll like to go I the computer and her Facebook would be open and of course as a hotbed guy out there would be curious , so I check it out , to my surprise I see but like tons and tons of PVT messages from all these guys messaging her ,joking with her , asking her when she would be free to have another workout session with them and I don’t mean as a group but each guy asking for her time so she could workout with the. And than , sharing picture of themselves and asking how there arms and legs are looking. Of course was like WTF? And when I ask she told o it’s nothing just just friends who just joking around and what not, but than I’m telling her well I understand but I don’t understand why yourself are sending pics of your body towards them as well?? And when mean this I mean like she send pics of her legs or arms chest , her bottom backside to all these guys, and she her explaination is that it’s part of the program and that there just keeping records. Than she proceed to ask ” are we gonna have a problem,” I said kinda of , I told her how I felt , cause I’m not a big guy like in muscle mass , and these are the type of guys she spend her entire days with and is surrounded by every hour and so,and let’s be honest , guys like those who cares about lifting and gaining muscle and are In college , only seem to care and get laid, now my GF is like a bait, cause my GF she is attractive and due to her study environment she would wear leggings ,Yoga pants , short tops, and etc, and she got these assets that ,lets say Any other girl would like to have , and that’s problem these guys are all over her and clearly theyjust want one thing from her….. And that’s how slowly it stared getting to me cause this guys and her aswell would play along what these guys would tell her and talk to her in a way. So fast forward two months down the road it thing just got worst when , she me told me that one of her classes request her to be train by another student In same The program but in a different year, I was like alright she told that she would be partner up with another student (male) of course my luck , and that he and she would have to spend two hours together every week for one month working out , and that he would be her teacher , I was already feeling not well I simply said alright but if these guy does anything let me know , and she said “sure” ….well fast forward and soon she Starts talking about her day with her partner but she talk to me as if I was one of her best friends , it was so bad to the point I ask myself does she have any clue who she talking to and how she sounds. To make short my GF was Cushing about this guy , how he Made her feel good when she works out, how he is funny , and that he motivates her and she would explain to me I details there workouts together , which consent in him putting his hands all her over body and reasoning being is because it’s a very physical job…..and I literally could t take it cause she spend an hour talking about this guy to the point I literally believe that I was her best friend and not a BF, so i told well what are guys doing sexual yoga or working out like you are suppose to , cause she would tell me how she would lay on the floor and than he would come form behind her and start putting his hand down her waist and down her entire backside until her feet because he wanted her to get the form right , and she told me that she had no problem with that. And that that’s part of the program and that I have to get used to it cause that’s what going to be happing when she gets a job and I kid you she that to me on my face. We had had fight that night told her that she was not treating me fair cause I have haven’t been do anything all I do is work and work and she out there you having fun and hanging with these dudes. Time goes by thing doesn’t seem like there were goes now I’m start to get a little Paraniod , we made up came agreement that she would tell of anything out for he boundries would occur , and boy did she ever , everyday she would come and tell what have these guys said to her or try to play her or do things that she would stop. And things going great again I felt as if everything was fine . But I was so caught in feeling fine all that I realize she had never spoken to me about the other guy she train for twos every week to a month….not a word , and when I ask her about the guy she replays nothing is going on and if ask what did you guys do she tells is this an interview or what , and than goes on to saying nothing happen and that’s all…. And from there she doesn’t speak or mention him and if I ask she gets mad. And that’s when she strated changing . She soon afterwards she would call me less , she would hangout less, she would offer her me mine time cause she states she is always busy and what got me ore upset is where I would find pictures of her hanging out at a pub with her all makes friends or see all head back and forth late night messages on Facebook and I’m here getting none of atttention . And not seem like over jelous guy or annoying guy I would call her and talk for a few minutes or what not she would talk for a while , and I would just say nothing and keep on going cause I didn’t want to ruin anything . A month goes by and her personal training session with the Guy comes to an end when I ask her about how she feels she and these sad disappoint meet I her face and told me that she will miss him, but quickly covers it up by saying that she will miss him In the manner of him always motivating her, and making her won’t and what not and than she goes and tell me that she was planning to keep in contact with him cause she was hoping that probably he could help her In a few of her assignments, which than I had to put my word in and say listen he is two years ahead of you there is no way he would help you out in work that he had done two years ago…she said alright and topic was end , but soon after a almost a month later I found a piece of paper that belong to her that contain this guys email and phone # store In one of her binders , now at this point I’m telling myself has seen been texting him all this time or what , just to clearify we don’t live together , so it’s a little more sicking of me when I have no cule what’s go on at her house or school… Sorry I have notice this is being drag on too far to make or short , we had huge fight were I told her about my feelings and how felt and inform that that he can’t treating this way cause I haven’t done anything to her and what not we fought and then we agreed she told me that nothing happen between her and that guy , and the only things is that she would see him In the gym while she be working out and she agree to keep her distance away from him, later she told me she would keep some boundries from all the guys , cause during the argument she told that those guys a good people and than that there are just friends, and I response I for her what kid of friends post a picture of your backsides , keep I mind she LOVES wearing yoga or tights to school , so Anywas Hess friends take a picture post on FB tags her and their comments where most like “dat ass” or “dam I’ll want some” and she would just play along and like those comments or join in thier convos , and apparently according to her , there is nothing wrong with that…… Well to end this she promise a few things but when she promos this was like literally like 2 weeks before school ended for spring break , Now at this her moment she is returning back to school and I don’t know if I can cope through this again but I’m deciding to give her a chance and see where it goes… If you read this far may God have mercy on your soul and thanks I just want to know what should I do give her a chance of forget about her and move on Reply Jacob Justus October 18, 2016 Dude just leave her, not worth the stress. Shell slip up if she hasn’t already Bill September 17, 2016 Yea I hear what you say. I have been married to a very attractive Chinese woman that is now 46 for the last 10 years. We met and married in China when i was there working. When we met I thought wow, the perfect woman, just fantastic in all ways. When we started having sex it was, honestly, better than i ever thought it could be, just fantastic, and the first time she did oral sex on me, i orgasmed in her mouth and she swallowed with absolutely no discomfort or problem at all, then later told me that she had only had sex with 2 men before we met and that orally that was the first time she ever did that to a man. 4 years ago I found out she was hanging around with another guy, and twice in front of me she called him and told him she could not see him again, but still did until I finally said it ends now or I am gone. And she ended it because i took a job in another city and we moved. Of course, ever thought this situation lasted 4 months, she adamantly professed up and down he and her were only friends – so i asked her then why did you not introduce me to him as your husband, and she said he did not want to meet me. Really? Why I thought? Because obviously they were more than friends! Then last year she went out one night with her gf’s and did not return home until the next day at 11am.. I was out of town, but a neighbor told me when i got home and i asked her about it and she said she stayed at at Vanessa’s place, a gf of hers. Then 6 months later we were having an arguement and i asked her again, where were u really that night and she said i told you before, i stayed at Tiffany’s place. I knew then for sure i had a big problem on my hands. Anyhow, 3 months ago she told me she wants a divorce, and we separated 6 weeks ago. She said she does not love me anymore, we can never be together again, etc, etc. Yet., she since we separated has asked me if i want to go to china in September with her, wanted to take me the other day on Fathers day for lunch, (we have no children together), yet still always starts an argument every single time we talk to each other. I have asked her if she has another guy since we separated and she say no not at all, but gets mad if i ask her this. I have read many articles since we separated and she is definitely narcissistic. I now believe that she had a lot more men sexually before we met than 2, and also she cheated at least the 2 times i described here and probably even more during our marriage. But for the life of me, I cannot understand her actions now since we separated, well her obvious cheating when we were together is a bit perplexing also. She now one day says she hates me and we can never ever be husband and wife, then tells me I will always be a part of her family in china, that she hopes we remain friends, then calls me 2 weeks ago at night and starts crying on the phone that we could have had a wonderful life together but I screwed it up, and on and on. 2 weeks ago she went to china to visit her parents and told me she was going with a girlfriend of hers, just the 2 of them. She even had asked me few weeks earlier if I wanted to go also, they were doing a bus tour first then the gf was coming back home and the wife was going to her parents place. Well, at the same time leading me on a bit that I still had a chance with her, 2 days after she left for china I found out from the travel agent she had gone with her girlfriend as she told me, but also there were 2 guys that went with the 2 of them. So my thoughts are this – male friends that are hidden from the husband , not friends at all, the wife is having sex with them. Any comments on my situation by the way would be truly appreciated. Thanks Reply Julia October 15, 2016 Well your story is sad, but if you read the article well, it says that if you don’t trust her, then you should not be with her in the first place…. So the fault somehow goes back to you – not having listened to your gut feeling about whether she was trustworthy or not. I don’t want to sound harsh or anything, but just remind you that you indirectly chose to be / stay in this situation. Reply shayne November 16, 2017 wow its thew guys fault for not trusting hey Julia it was her that was messing around with other guys he had a right not to trust you feminist bitch big boss4288 October 29, 2016 i am in the same situation, (without the pregnancy) it’s harder than be cheated sexually😟 Reply Lost one G August 16, 2017 It’s been 5 years now wooow, hope you doing good ma man. It’s also the same with me right now, and I’m 22 and this is what my GF been doing lately. That’s why am out here searching if I should just cut her before it gets more damaging. The things not everybody likes my GF and she’s not perfect that all the dudes in the world would hit her up, the problem with her is she’s the one initiating the problem. When I ask her why Tf she says “can’t I have friends”? I don’t want to sound unconfident or insecure to her, but obviously, ik how guys are and nobody will say no to an extra chick. Do you know how it feels to meet one her guy friends and they know everything y’all talked about? Okay, not 1 not 2 but like 4/5 male friends that are so close to her. To the point where they don’t want to hang with my GF if im around and all of them sending memes and jokes to my Gf on Instagram in hopes of making her laugh and smile . She says she loves me but no, this is not how you treat somebody to laugh. Im sorry, this is so confusing but wise ones, ik you guys have been through this, I just want some advice on how to go forward. Should I drop her? Reply Miles Jameson December 18, 2012 Thank you for taking the time out to read about my experience. I’m still not over this and I am carrying hurt and severe anger around with me, because of the way I was treated. I just wish I left her sooner instead of trying to make it work with someone who clearly doesn’t respect me and my feelings. Since my break up, I have been reading about people’s similar experiences . I even believe that my ex has borderline personality disorder. She has many of the symptoms described. It is so painful, but life goes on. Reply Leigh (LoGun) December 19, 2012 It does go on mate. And now you have a clean slate to work with. On top of that, you have a very clear idea about how you want your relationships to be and what you and aren’t willing to put up with. That’s a great lesson that a lot of people never learn. I’m just in the process of writing an article about how to heal the pain of your last relationship. Keep an eye on the blog. I’m sure it’ll help you out. Reply Mike A. January 8, 2015 Miles: I feel your pain my man, I really do. You and I share the exact same story with our exes. You sound like a nice, respectful guy who didn’t want to act like a crazy, jealous boyfriend even though you were being disrespected, time and time again. She doesn’t deserve you, and I know it hurts to think how can this person treat me this way? How can they be easily misled, manipulated? The truth is, they are insecure, immature, attention seeking GIRLS. Not women, girls, a true woman would never disrespect someone like that. It took me a long time to recover after what happened. It’s not easy my man, I know your pain. It’s a combination of hurt, anger, betrayal all mixed in one. I still hold a lot of anger from the experience that is slowly subsiding. Give it time my man and you will feel blessed that you’re out of a relationship like that. Good guys like us don’t deserve someone who disregards and disrespects our emotions like that. It’s so messed up and hurts us because we would never treat someone like that. Lesson I learned is: 1. Never trust another guy friend. I don’t care what they say about their friendship. 2. If I suspect something like this happening again in the future, i’ll be the one to approach the guy, if she doesn’t do anything about it. 3. I will never be with someone that values attention over the relationship. That shows they are insecure and NEED attention from other people to be happy. I don’t got time for people like that. Bets of luck my man. Keep your head up and you will find someone worth giving your heart to. Reply william October 23, 2015 Life does go on..but you carry that hurt for a while specially if you really loved her.and being disrespected and cheated in makes a man feel like he wasn’t good enough she had to cheat while using you.that destroys one self esteem ..I know cause it has mine..Luke you I was loyal..never cheated..I worked alot trying to get a better future for my self my son and her..but that was no excuse to do that to me or to you my friend..if she wasn’t happy why not b honest about it and just leave..if personal think women are scared to b left alone.so if they start getting bored or tired of a relationship they shop around first while still in the relationship until they find that person that they feel is better while still cheating on you and just destroying our hearts and self esteem in the process..than when they found that special someone they start becoming cold and distant towards you making you break up with them making you feel like it’s your fault and you are the problem..truly cold and wrong..but that’s just how some women are …I pray to God that I can fix my 10 year relationship and move on to being a happy family if not my son is gona have a broken home..I’m tired of just staying quiet and acting like I don’t know wats going on..I’m tired of the lies and disrespect.but at the same time I’m so scared of loosing her..she is my true love..I’m don’t know what to do ..never been in this kind of situation before..and she never introduces me to her male friends…I’m know that’s a big red flag..ima it me can I fix whatever it is that’s making her not want me anymore..just wish she could be honest and truthfully with me..instead of lying and going behind my back…install hurt for a while if she tells me the truth..but at least I can heal instead of hurting everyday a Lil bit more and becoming insecure .I just want to give my son what I never had a happy family..is that so wrong? Reply Erx December 2, 2015 You need to act like you are breaking it off with her, and see her response. Also, DO NOT TELL HER why you are breaking it off with her, let her guess and think and keep trying to guess and think about it. Also, if she thinks you’ve found someone else, let her think that and get jealous. If she looks concerned that you are breaking it off with her, go full scale and break it off. Remember, you are doing this because it gives you the upper hand, and you can use this upper hand in different ways. She will become more interested in you because she will think you think you can do better or that she isn’t good enough for you, so the power differential will lead her to love you more, and she will forget about the other guy. Also, after you guys have broken up (even if still living in the same house) and if she becomes more drawn to you, you can let her know that you’re not interested in a girl who keeps her options open and that you either can or have found someone who isn’t like that. In fact, tell her you’ve met someone who isn’t like that and that you’d like to take it further with her. DO NOT tell her that you’ve broken up with her to get her to leave the other guy, instead tell her that you’ve met someone who isn’t like that and that you would like to explore your potential with her because she may end up being the right girl for you. MAKE SURE YOU TELL HER NOTHING HAS HAPPENED BETWEEN YOU ROMANTICALLY, but also make sure you tell her that she is definitely interested. You watch as she goes crazy over you and forgets the other guy. BUT YOU MUST PLAY IT TO THE TEE, JUST HOW I’VE DESCRIBED – DON’T CHANGE THE DYNAMICS of what i’ve said. Also, before you pull this off, disappear with friends a few nights over a week and a half and make up excuses if she asks where you’ve been, make sure she can’t find out via friends the truth. You want to set this up so that once you tell her, it all falls into place for her in her head and she is 100% convinced. Put her number in your phone with the name “stunning” and make sure the last 3 digits of the number is missing so she is unable to call her (even if she tries 1000 times, it’ll never work). Any questions, just ask me. this will work 100%, make sure you setup the “story” before you break it to her. Miles Jameson December 19, 2012 I really do appreciate your words and I will definitely look out for that blog. I haven’t really been able to express what I went through, so it’s really pleasing to me that you took the time out to try and understand and relate to my experience. Many thanks, and I look forward to hearing more from you. Reply Leigh (LoGun) December 19, 2012 Pleasure mate. Always here to help. The post should be up in about a week so make sure you check back soon. Leigh Reply mbongz January 22, 2013 its true i like e way u narrated e whole story it really makes sense hey thanx alot Reply Leigh (LoGun) January 22, 2013 Glad you enjoyed it mate. Reply Tug April 19, 2013 The woman Im currently dating has gone through great extremes to have male “friends” and had put me through hell because of it. One of her male friends from work called our home phone, she told him “I’m having a conversation, can you call you back?” When she got off the phone she told me she hasnt talked to this person in over 4 years (we’ve been dating for 3 1/2 years) and doesnt know how he got our home phone number. Two things bother me about her conversation with her male “friend” 1)She told him “Im having a conversation” not Im having a conversation with my b/f but simply having a conversation. 2) She told him to call her back When I questioned her about asking him to call her back she said she would have never answered the phone if he had. When she tries to justify her actions in this manner I really feel like she’s insulting my intelligence. I told her why tell someone to call you back if you dont want them calling you back? Tell them the truth thats what she expects from me so why not expect the same from her? At any rate she called her friend back and told him its not a good idea that they talk, she said it creates problems in the relationship and its best they not communicate. His response “should I call you back later?” Unflippingbelievable! Now that she called her friend and told him not to call anymore guess whose the bad guy? This woman wanted me to sever all ties to my past which I’ve done by now that I expect the same from her it creates an argument. Reply Leigh (LoGun) April 19, 2013 Hey mate, It sounds like you’re very frustrated with the situation. I understand that. Being in a relationship presents a whole world of challenges that don’t exist outside of them. From what you’ve written here, it doesn’t sound like you trust her very much and you’re not very confident in the strength of your relationship. Is that an accurate statement? Reply Anonymous November 5, 2015 Look up narcissism. Thats how these women are. They feel the rules dont apply to them Reply Tug April 19, 2013 Accurate isnt the word, you hit the nail on the head. I had allot of female friends and let them all go whenever I would see them I’d naturally talk them and it would create nothing but problems. Understanding how she felt I severed all my ties with my female friends but now that the tables are turned she’s having a hard time dealing with it. Her and I are middle aged, we know whats acceptable and what isnt when it comes to having opposite sex friends. I spoke to her ex husband on the phone once (while she was standing next to me) and explained her need to have other men in her life as “friends”. He told me thats the way she’s always been and she would never change. She left him because he drank more than she liked, he didnt drink during the week but liked his beer on the weekend. He told me one of the reasons he drank more on the weekends was because she had so many male friends and just couldn’t let them go. He also told me her divorcing him was the best thing she could have ever done for him, he said “let some other sorry son of a b*tch deal with her BS, he’s much happier now than he ever was with her but yet he was one of her “friends” that was texting her till I put a stop to it. Im kidding myself, anyone who reads this post and has a g/f similar to mine kick her to the curb and move on with your life. Take it from me no woman is worth this grief. Reply Leigh (LoGun) April 20, 2013 I see. Very interesting. I’m curious: Are you keen to find a solution to this to make sure it doesn’t happen again or are you happy to keep playing this one out? Reply Tug April 20, 2013 Leigh I’ve been working on a solution for over a year and half and she’s still going behind my back to do stupid sh*t like get on Facebook. There comes a point in every mans life when he has to admit defeat and I’m at that point. She realizes that I’m at the end of my rope and is walking on egg shells so as not to upset me but I’m past that. I need out the sooner the better. Thanks for your time Reply Leigh (LoGun) April 20, 2013 There is another solution, if you’re interested in hearing it. One that will ensure that you don’t get into this situation ever again. Only if you want to know it. Let me know. Reply Tug April 20, 2013 Leigh I’m in my mid 50’s and the solution to my problem is more than obvious but what the heck. Talk to me Reply Leigh (LoGun) April 20, 2013 Ok, good to hear. Lets see how we go. What would change about this situation if you were confident about the strength of your relationship? What if you believed on a deep level that you were an incredibly attractive guy and that it didn’t matter how many male friends she had because you were more attractive than any of them? Do you think you’d get so frustrated and angry about her having male friends? Do you think it would cause so many problems in your relationships? I’m asking because women are always going to have male friends / male colleagues / males in their lives. If you look at your partners having male friends as a frustrating and painful situation and the only way you deal with it is to break up with them, you’ll never build a fulfilling relationship. But, if you work on yourself and becoming more confident in how attractive you really are, then you’ll be able to have relationships and not get frustrated and angry if she has male friends. Can you see how that would change the situation? Reply Karl May 6, 2015 Women are never supposed to have male friends. This is only a recent phenomena which does not bode well with human instincts. There are plenty of women with no such BS so go get a hike. Tug April 20, 2013 Thank you Leigh but it wouldn’t matter with the woman I’m currently with. We both work out religiously and for my age I look pretty damn good. It upsets her that Ive had people at the gym come up and tell me how good I look for someone my age but no one comments on how she looks. While at the gym I said hello to an extremely attractive friend twice within a period of 10 minutes and my g/f became so upset she left in the middle of the workout and all I did was say hello. Now that I’ve distanced myself from my friends she thinks she can have as many male friends as she wants but won’t allow me to have any female friends. I’ve told her gawed only knows how many times to treat me the way you want to be treated. If she did that we would never have any problems but she continues to do as she pleases and expects me not to react. She’s the type of person who says don’t do as I do, do as I say. I’m to old to play that game Reply Leigh (LoGun) April 20, 2013 Oh, I see. I got it wrong. I thought you were saying that the problem was that she has male friends, rather than her having male friends whilst not letting you be friends with who you want to be with. If that’s the case, get rid of her! 🙂 Being with anyone who tries to dictate how you live your life is never going to work out well for anyone. I didn’t realise that you were cool with her having male friends if she allowed you to be friends with whoever you wanted to be friends with. That’s a completely different story. Reply Tug April 20, 2013 Leigh I’m from the old school, when you become involved with someone you get things straightened out in the beginning of the relationship. Ask if its going to be a monogamous relationship and the one thing that I firmly believe having opposite sex friends will always create problems. She became upset because I befriended a girl from the gym on FB which IMO is so high school. I had to actually unfriend this person because she just wouldn’t let it go. Come to find out she asked some guy for his phone number on FB, when I questioned her about it she said he was a co-worker and she just wanted to catch up on things. I can’t have a friend on FB but she can ask some other guy for his phone number? Everytime I have caught her doing something that completely disrespects me or the relationship she ALWAYS has some BS reason as to justify her actions. What’s makes things worst is she actually believes her cock and bull story and expects me to believe the crap she’s feeding me. Yesterday she said she loved me and doesn’t want me to leave an hour later she was telling some guy she “was having a conversation and to call her back”. She’d end the relationship if some girl called me much less if I told the girl to call me back Reply Tug April 20, 2013 I could go on and on about the crap she’s done but it would only make me like a pathetic POS for staying in this relationship. If you were involved in a committed relationship and your partner was telling you things need to change or she’s going to break up with you if you wanted to be with her you’d change. I have told her countless number of times things need to change but here I am dealing with the same crap I’ve been dealing with for the last 18 months. Time to move on Reply easyj June 25, 2013 I love and i trust my girlfriend with other males. I know she loves me. What i cant handle is my girlfriend going out with her male friends and they drink and dance. i hate thinking about. I just wish she would at least introduce me to these guys so that i can see the kind of people she is going out with, so that i would make me feel better. I always carry her out with my friends and I always introduce her to my friends. We talked about it, she says that when we go out i consume all the attention of her friends and her friends does want to make plans with me, when they call her on her phone they ask about me and she feels left out. Well i admit i am good at hosting and socializing with others, and yes it does happen. And yes i agree, her friends and me get into deeper conversations than she does with her friends. I know more about her friends than she does and eventually the social circle does not be fun with me in it anymore. She says when she goes out with her friends she is the focus and center of attention and she says she likes that and when i am there i take it away from her. Alright, writing this, i think i figure out why she does not want me around her friends. I just feel rejected and jealous missing out on all the fun she is having without me. I love my girl. I just want to be apart of her life. I am going to tell her this tonight. “Babes, I love you, I just want to be apart of your life. but when you don’t invite me to the places you going and don’t welcome me to your friends, i feel like you are rejecting me. And it hurts so bad. I just want to be a part of your life as you are already a part of mine. How would you feel if i didn’t welcome you to my friends and didn’t want you to lime with them.” 🙁 Reply joe August 4, 2013 women can be brutally selfish. my girl met this guy in her comedy scetch group and became friends with him. he was young, talented, stood out among comedians. she introduced him to me saying she thought id like him. so we met with him and his girlfriend. over time though many things came up that didnt sit right. my intuition waved red flags. now, i believe in intuition but being that wrapped up in the jealous situation i also know that it could be wrong. anyway, im not one to allow myself to be pushed around so whether smart or not i fought with her about it and she would get livid back with me not trusting her. i told her i trust her a hell of alot more than him. he was a whore andand snorted coke n would subtely and not so subtley imply things when we hung out. i would never know if he was messin with me cause he knew i was jealous and he wanted to instigate my jealousy towards confrontation with her knowin it would cause a rift or what. he even told me all cathedral hush serious like that my girl had told. Reply joe August 4, 2013 i had a long spiel written and erased it. bleh. anyhoo, to be quick, he told of how my girl confided in him not to give me any coke (i wasnt on coke mind u ive always been perfectly happy with green bud) because she didnt want me to be extra mean to her because i was jealous. he made it sound like it was a deep heart to heaart they had. he said she made him promise he wouldnt tell me she had spoke to him of this. my own heart sank. mean? try standing my ground and tryin tio protect our relationship! anyway, i confronted her and asked her if she was sleepin with this guy or interested in him because why else would she involve him in our relationship with the inside scoup to my jealousy with such a heart to heart with him. and then to tell him not to tell me what she was saying all secretive from me like. she said i was about to hang out with him and it wasnt that much of a heart to heart because she flippantly over the phone told him to not try n share his coke with me because we had been gettin into fights.. Reply joe August 4, 2013 and i was jealous and shouty lately and she didnt want to deal with a coked up version of me or somethin like that. she somewhat apologized but made it sound like it was just a quick not so big a deal exchange between friends. when he told the story earlier he was very serious and acted as if she was a distraught woman and was seriously confiding in him. ok, im typin on this device and its slow and this is 10 percent of the story if that. during this time period we had just had two babes together. we had probs but i could still sense she loved me and besides my jealousy of her time spent with this guy our relationship wasnt awful or at a dead end. we both still wanted to be together. and my girl is a bit overweight and has always been more bookish. shes never been a sex addict or a sleep around kinda girl. shes always brutal with her sympathys towards cheaters and always professes to be serious about one man and loyalty to him/me and that ideal. and i think i believe her. so while she had this friend and.. Reply joe August 4, 2013 whats more, introduced us to be friends as well ive never felt right about it. not even now looking back on it. its like a big part of me knows shes a good person and wouldnt break me or us..im also confused because. like the instance ive given, there are at least six more that sit weird with me. like, a year after this friend had left our lives she tells me after a fight that sh wants to tell me a secret…this friend had in fact asked her if they could make out..if her and i were open like that because him and his girl were. she never told me this while i was distraught and untrusting of him and let me feel like my jealous rushes of that period were outlandish. she said she told him her n i were NOT open like that and told me she didnt take him too seriously cause he was drunk at the time. said it wasnt a big deal cause he was just that way and hit on all the girls in their little comedy troupe until one of them broke and started dating him (he left his girl at the time for this new one) she claimed she.. Reply joe August 4, 2013 was initially drawn to him mainly as a friend and was soon put off of it possibly going any further due to him being a player. so i didnt have n e thing to worry about cause she loved me and just had had our kids. lol. i think i believe her and ultimately choose to trust her. without it whatya got right? but isnt it strange and somewhat suspect her not tellin me he was a threat or had hit on her? i kno guys and ladies r diff but very soon after this time period with this “friend” i had a 18 yr old horny girl proposition me. now i was slightly tempted and decided id tell my lady that way if it was out there id be way less likely to do anything. so culd her not telling me he hit on her signify she eventually took him up on his advance? i suppose anything is possible. well, shes profusely denied ever wanting him that way. to our babes at the time shed a couple times she referred to him as uncle phillip and she instigated my and him being friends as well. so confusing. after all that would she have slept with him Reply joe August 4, 2013 i mean wouldnt she if she were to cheat at least keep it separated? lol blah. wish i culd tell u everything but yeah. whether she cheated or not i feel she was definately insensitive and was a bit careless with our bond. shed of murdered me if put her in anything close to that position with a girl friend of mine or whatevr.. Reply Jeff January 10, 2014 My gf will always tell me when she’s getting hit on, and, though I can’t say I enjoy hearing about guys’ advances to my gf, I do really appreciate her telling me, she proves to me that she wouldn’t hide anything from our relationship. However, I sometimes feel like there’s another reason why she tells me about these things, and this would explain her chipper behaviour when she does. I feel as if she enjoys talking to me about her being hit on because she likes to fish out my reactions, attitude, emotions from her recent “experiences” ( and she likes it when guys flirt with her, it gives her bragging rights). To me, she likes to provoke jealousy. Funny thing is, sometimes when I can’t help myself, and I actually DO show some signs of jealousy when guys approach her and flirt with her, though she won’t say anything, I can tell she doesn’t appreciate me being “concerned”. When girls on the other hand will talk to me, and “check me out”, she will give them the dirtiest look, and she won’t blame me, but she will usually tell me stuff like “I think she has a crush on you”. I usually just laugh it out. But it goes to show how differently we react to those kinds of situations. I’m not allowed to be jealous, but she is. Reply Leigh (LoGun) January 11, 2014 I’m sure she does enjoy getting hit on. I’m guessing it makes her feel beautiful and appreciated and alive. If you don’t like her getting so excited about being hit on, I would suggest that maybe making her feel more beautiful, appreciated, and alive might stop it being such a thrill for her. Reply Bill February 6, 2014 I just let go of a girlfriend. She became friends with her ex-boyfriends close friend. It didn’t bother me until she told me that he told her that she deserves better then her ex ( the guy she dated before me). I felt that that was out of character for him to say and shared that a true friend would not say that to his close friends ex-girlfriend. She didn’t want to hear it and said I wasn’t being an adult so I dumped her. I shouldn’t have to explain principles to a 31 year old woman. Reply JM March 8, 2014 Sounds like you’re just an extremely insecure male. And this is coming from a male in a long term relationship. I don’t need to worry about the close guy friends because they all know she is with me. I don’t need to feel threatened by any of their “closeness” because I’m the only one intimate with her. I acknowledge there’s different types of relationships and a friendship between a male and female can be close yet platonic. Reply Karl May 6, 2015 ur just an idiot Reply tony ingram March 11, 2014 This is all a mirror image of my relationship i can advise anyone who has this problem to get rid of the male friend for sure there are rules in my relationship if i dont like it there will be all hell let loose except i wont touch him i will punch him and knock him out. It is clear that if there is a contender he needs to be (stretchered of the pitch) warned off. If not a battle will begin not with my lady but with the muther punk who confront to take what i love. Ok cant fight so im gna have to make her jelouse she be yours in a tick. Reply tony ingram March 11, 2014 Sorry bout that just a nightmare. I ask are you seeing anyone to the queen of my heart she replies no im not hes just a friend and hey the argument begin. What u up to shes at work she says, why dont she text you shes tired, why is she being a bitch, shes ill, ok come on this relationship is crap. Shut up she say, stop mentioning him. There is only 1 solution tell her you are not the type to be with a lady who has male friends of any kind it is destroying all the love and if it continues you will either move on and find someone who will make you happy. Tell her you love her to the galaxy and beyond, you will stay with her forever and all you need is a decent wife who cares for your feelings. Ask her if she loves you and still wants to be your wife. Care for her, she knows you dont like it show her your seriouse with even more love, leave messages be romantic and then make love without any word of this male friends name. There is a difference when a male friend is a stranger he could be anybody. Stay calm but pushy and make sure she knows whos boss with as much respect as you can give. She needs romance and more love, let her cry. An essential part of a relationship is to make up, the best part is how you make it. If she is not what you want just say bye bye if she loves you true she wont be going anywhere. There is a reason why she needs this friend and thats to calm her and make her laugh, here we go, arguing only makes things worse and drag on, defeat the object be very nice like you have your head in her mouth. Reply Caio March 25, 2014 If you and your girlfriend really end up breaking up because one of her male friends, wouldn’t that happen anyways? Like, if you’re pissed off because some male friend of hers texts her all the time, calls more than it is “acceptable” for you, and doesn’t seem to respect your relationship with her do you really have to tell her to cut him off? It’s not like you don’t have to say how you feel about it, don’t have to repress it inside of you, but…if she would really cheat on you with this guy she would do it anyways…it’s not just because you told her how you feel that her attraction (if there is any) towards him is gonna change, because like you say (Leigh), it’s not a conscious thought,it’s a feeling. Having said that and given the understanding I got from everything I’ve read from you I believe it’s a matter on focussing on what you’re contributing to the situation,right? If she really breaks up with you is because she’s not getting what she needs with you,isn’t it? It’s not because the guy’s so gorgeous with a god-like beauty that she’s just hipnotized by his magnetic charm and cannot help herself when around him… I guess that if you really are able to make her feel like she wants, she won’t even care about the other guy’s messages, and will naturally stop ‘needing’ him to make her feel good and just stop answering him, or giving answering and talking to him with ambiguous answers that he may interpret as her being interested in him. I don’t know if I was able to make myself clear, I just don’t want to extend too much in here. If needed I’ll explain my thoughts in more details. I don’t know when this article was posted but I feel like it’s a Leigh with a tiny different way of thinking, not that it’s tottaly off of what I’ve seen ’til now . It just felt a bit different…like, putting on her part of the responsibility for how you feel. I’d like to explain more the way I’m interpreting what I read but I’m kind of sleepy now (Lousy excuse,huh?) and I don’t really think it’s needed. Just my thoughts 🙂 Reply John Wilson May 11, 2014 A lot of men here are making excuses for a womans poor behaviour and their own short comings as a man. Your not an Alpha male for ignoring your feelings and your certainly not a better man for just being, (“shes with me”). Its this way of thinking that leads women to thinking NO boundaries exist within a relationship and your just feeding this modern narcissistic supply that women weak women now feel they are entitled to. Why is it one rule for one gender and another for the other?! Having a close male freind is all good but when its affecting your relationship you need to step back and really look at how your treating your man. It feels like in this modern soceity any move by a man tstating he is uncomfortable with a situation is immediately labeled insecure needy. The above poster gives a good example of an ideal situation but its hardly ever that simple guys and gals. It is unnatural no matter what anyone says to have their partner become close to the opposite sex. Im talking about texts when your together, talking about the other man or woman consistently, having them over to your house while your at work! Fine line between freindship and taking the piss, if a guy blatantly fancies your girlfriend and persistent ly contacts her and she does not step back thats the womans fault. Also regarding giving a woman value what she wants you can only do so if you can see an issue. You need communication to make it work and when a woman basically starts getting closer to another man and shares things with him that she may not tell you, you have already lost the battle a losing one in the 1st place.. You cannont magically work out what is wrong with someone and if they are unwilling to talk to you about what ever fault you have in the relationship then what can you do? This attitude of she wont leave im the best is great but if you mr alpha male had a girl who exchanged phone numbers added a guy on fb and started seeing him unannounced when you were not about you would leave or have words. Women need a wake up call as do some men these friends are often not friends and will manipulate you out of a relationship giveb half the chance. Even meeting these men or man may not cure the situation because sudden ly he’s there while you want alone time with your girl. Its an awful situation to be in to be honest awful cruel and often times its the womans own short comings of needing validation from any and every source that causes the problems. I have integrity if I get a girlfriend again I would not expect her to put up with me texting another woman while we are together. I would not allow a freind to damage my relationship because anyone im with I value. I expect the same. Have male freinds but there is a line time alone with them consistent ly is asking a lot of trust and puts strain on otherwise good relationships. Telling your man other men hit on you etc is not honesty its feeding insecurity and it will like me ware yoi down. Even worse when said man is present your uncomfortable not yourself and if you are then kudos. God forbid she’s out on a night out with friends and said male is present what are you thinking then! Your mind jumps to the worse! I think a lot of girls have issues and this this is a start to noticing them. So no man can be a bit jealous? ! No.man can be insecure. We have to be as hard as rocks as let you do what you want regardless of how it makws us feel?! Thats wrong no excuses why its so debated on the net. Women cheating more and more but still expect traditional roles from men still wont marry men who earn less or rarely and generally are becoming to chooees. Reply Jay September 11, 2014 So how is a guy supposed to deal with this? My girlfriend has been keeping in touch with her ex from another country because she says they were really good friends for a long time before they dated. And also when she used to go to class I know she was talking with another guy there. She even used to dress up and put on make up just to look good in class, which was not her normal behavior before. She didn’t even put in that kind of effort when she was with me until I called her out on that and asked why she never dressed up when she was with me. Now she just started work and mentioned about a male co worker who was showing interest in her. I saw this guy and he doesn’t look like much, but I’m concerned they are going to get very close since she’s going to be spending many hours with this guy every week. I mean she even said she was going to call me on her break today but I didn’t get any calls. I’m going to guess she was spending her break talking with her male co worker. What a can a guy do to deal with all these male orbiters constantly hitting on their girls? I can’t just try to control her and tell her who she shouldn’t be talking to. I guess to answer my own question I would say I need to become an absolute boss of a man. I need to become a man of high integrity, character and develop myself to my best level. That way all the other guys would pale in comparison. I have a lot of work to do, but developing myself into a beast is the best solution in my mind. If a woman can’t see the value of her man and destroys her relationship for the cheap emotional validations of the baboons around her then she isn’t worth shit. Reply stevo October 4, 2014 That’s real. I feel you. And don’t change for anyone but yourself. You cannot count on anyone in this life. not when it comes down to it. There is nothing you can do, brother. Not at this point. Your only option is to give her space. Cause if it keeps up this way she will be asking for space on her own soon. Seriously. She sounds to already be ahead of you in the “leaving” or closing those doors of intimacy. The LAST thing you want to do when she is moving away from you is pounce on her or cling to her in any way. if she emotionally moves away in her interactions with you…and notices not only are you not impulsively pouncing on her or chasing after her….but are in fact actually doing the exact same thing…emotionally moving and detaching away in the other direction….then it will cause her to take stock of what she is doing. that’s where you ll find out if she wants to be with you on the real. she is taking you for granted. and she is ahead of the game because you are still emotionally connected more. that’s what it seems like. don’t back away mean. be loving always. then you know you at least were upstanding. this girl may very well not deserve you at all. who wants to be the old shoe in the closet? ive gone through that and from experience…you are better off without that horse shi@ Reply syntax2277 November 25, 2014 You rite be alpha confident in yourself love yourself know you don’t need her if she doesn’t value what’s important to you. If she senses that, she will respect that strength about you that confidence about you it will make her change her ways. And I hate when people say why I have to play these games to be in a relationship it’s not a game why is it game to love ur self and know the value of who you r it wont make you love her anyless it make you love her more cause she will love you more for being someone who holds that standard for themselves it’s that fucking simple and if she don’t value you it will make it that much easier to leave her pathetic ass cause she’s insecure with her self and needs all that attention cause she’s f up u don’t need a women like that. Alpha Reply James Lycher October 4, 2014 Ok I have a tough situation in my relationship. Long story short. Me and my girlfriend have been dating for awhile and about a few months ago she started to develope a lot a other guy friends. One particularly is very close, and I often question if he is more close to her than I because me and my girlfriend don’t live together. Its gotten to the point where when me and her are spending time together at our university. And the one guy friend shows up. I can’t show any more physical affections like holding hands or saying other comments that show affections. This is because apparently it makes him jealous and uncomfortable. This was very suprising to me but i said nothing, despite my worries. Recently we had a incident where we were spending time together and the friend showed up. Shortly into their conversation they started to get touchy. I was rather uncomfortable and i decided to not show what i felt and i just sat there, and said nothing. Later that i finally spoke my mind. I said that there close relations were starting to make me uncomfortable and i would apreciate it if she wasnt so touchy with her friends. She was immediately inflammed with anger. Yelling at me saying that he was just a friend and she didnt appreciate me telling her what to do. I was very surprised because ive never been yelled at like that by her and i immediately shut my mouth, and i refrained from even talking when we were with her friends. About a week later there was another incident where we were with a group of friends at a mall. And as me and her were preparing to leave, i turned to tell a friend goodbye. When i turned back around, my girlfriend was in a very tight hug with the friend and they held it for a long time. When she turned around she was surprised i was looking for a moment but continued on as if nothing happended. In the car home i asked her what was up with that hug. This time she was inflammed beyond any limit i could imagine. Yelling at me saying that im getting to invlolved with her wants and that i need to not worry on everything she does and that hes just a friend. This was the only the second time i had spoke my mind on my feelings with her friends. Now she just got back from a movie with the one friend and its really starting to get annoying that she doesnt respect my feelings. Im wondering if i should back out or if i am being really attached or something Reply stevo October 4, 2014 If she is hugging him and close to him. Its over man. Trust your intuition. Something is wrong. And if she is yelling at you and cant be real with you in a calm and reasonable manner…she is LYING. Basically creating drama around the question so she doesn’t have to answer you. Its as simple as that. Im like 95 percent sure of it. I hate to give you the bad news. But ive been dealing with the same damn thing just recently. and also im getting older and wiser to women who play games. She is playing games. You need to back off. Its not fair and its painful but its true. act as if you couldn’t care less. youd be best to quickly start talking to another girl who may like you or who you may be interested in. somebody who is sweet to you and not hostile when you simply want to keep it real between the two of you. seriously,. man. trust me. talk to another to help you transition and give this girl space. If you can,. if you are too emotionally involved to do that…find the strength to back away from this girl. and it doesn’t have to be a conversation letting her know your backing away. just back away. she ll initiate the convo and then it might get hairy. if she initiates and wants to know why you are backing away…..god help you cause im not sure at this minute what to say. just say you are very busy I guess. DO NOT be mean to her. just be loving. lovingly back away. be nonchalant. as hard as it is this is your ONLY CHANCE> Reply James Lycher October 5, 2014 Ive been thinking the same thing for awhile. I do love the girl im with. Dont get me wrong. I think i loved her more than i have with anyone other than family in awhile. Shes a sweet girl and sought to give me a friend when i was alone. But the relationship has just turned into some struggle to keep going. And i appreciate ur feedback stevo. Ill try to see how slowly seperating myself from her will work. Besides, our relationship has been killing my grades. Its like i spend every minute of my afternoons trying to keep this relationship afloat and i really appreciate feedback on my situation. Again, thank you syntax2277 November 25, 2014 Look partner I posted a statement on being alpha and not just that but being confident as a man now to me I feel you or not ready to be in a relationship in the first place cause the statement u said u felt uncomfortable holding her hand because of another dude getting jealous that’s beyond belief and you best believe she senses that in u being submissive that doesn’t turn girls on in situations like that u stand ur ground keep ur chest out and if got a concern and she blows up u say cool and you just step back from the situation and see how it plays let her know u refuse to put up with it and there is only one option if she not cool with it move on ca use if she don’t respect u then she won’t later and when there’s no respect in a relationship not just trust but respect it never works out anyway. 3 things u need in a relationship, respect, trust, loyalty these 3 things cover everything in a relationship all the problems that could play out Reply Miles Jameson December 5, 2014 James, how are you sir ? Just read your message. Don’t know if you are still together but that concerns me. I think I would have to end it. There is a major lack of respect for you and the fact she kicks off when you try to express your concerns and feelings. Not good at all, my ex was like that. Very selfish and inconsiderate. Reply Charles October 16, 2014 My ex used to hate when I talked to other women, at the time I was civil with another ex I had and cut off everyone for her. Then she started hanging out with a gay guy, whom I saw as no threat at first. Next thing I know she is basically glued to her phone and Facebook while treating me like garbage. Her excuse was I shouldn’t be jealous because he was gay. What I didn’t realize at the time was she told her gay friend what a ‘monster’ I was and he hooked her up with his straight friend. My now ex had sex with this guy on the floor of a hotel while I worked to support us. I have met girls since that insist on having guy friends and I won’t date them, especially if I’m told I can’t talk to certain people. I’d rather be single than dragged through that pain again. Reply a girl October 26, 2014 Hi there, I’m a girl and its so interesting reading these comments. I actually appreciate it and find it comforting. To know that my idea of opposite sex friends and what is alright and what isn’t all right isn’t all that irrational. Thank God I’m not Alone … me and my partner are getting married soon and I chose him because of the respect and morals he has. I agree on a friend here and there but obviously as a human being with eyes and a brain I can sense which girls are a threat and which ones are not, same goes for the men. I know that having male friends is not good at all. So me and him have come to an equal compromise and we don’t need a lot of friends. Because they only cause problems. I on the other hand have no male friends at all, because s a woman I am aware of the fact that even if your in a relationship. Other men don’t care. And they will flirt with you. Will want to try you. Persuade you to leave your partner. Or give you false attention to try and steal you away. So because I love my partner I have made the choice not to have male friends. Neither to go out to clubs or gym. But rather gym at home where no man can approach me. Cause believe me. When I was single I was approached many times at a gym. Gyms arent a safe place for a woman. Luckily for me because of the respect ive shown my fiance he does the same for me and we are friends with people we know aren’t a threat. Like other married ppl. And I have female friends and he has male friends. And we also let other people see a clear boundary and that we belong to each other. I am the most happiest in this relationship because we treat each other equally and we expect respect and we try to communicate about everything. I’ve waited a long time for a man like this and I’m so thank full I waited. Cause I refused to date a man who fancies other woman because a relationship with a third or ten other wheels can’t work. I mean. If I talk more to a male friend than with my fiance, then it means my priority isn’t my fiance. Why should I be seeking attention and advice from another man if the man I chose to marry is everything I wanted? No I wouldn’t . So I don’t go out seeking for that. Because one man makes me happy. There is no such thing as just friendships. Well. Depends what kind of people they are though. But friends can cause a lot of damage. And I personally know that a woman shouldnt have many guy friends because they don’t respect your fiance. And if you really love him. You don’t need other men. My fiance is my best friend. Anyway . By reading these comments its good to see that there are still good sensitive men in this world. And yeah I know. Same goes for woman. We can be cruell and careless. But at least there is still good left and never give up cause the right person will come around. . Reply Jay October 26, 2014 Wow girl, Thanks so much for your comment! It really helped me to see there are some women out there who actually have the right mind to be in a loving serious relationship. That is very considerate of you and it shows you really love your man. I agree it’s both up to the man and woman to eliminate any possible threats to their relationship. I’ve seriously considered ending it with my girlfriend many times. I feel like I’m just not the right guy for her at times. I don’t think she will ever cut off contact with her ex and she will always be thinking about another man while she’s with me. Reply gene June 27, 2015 right the fuck on! you are a rare woman who thinks that way Reply Lady January 10, 2017 I totally agree with you, Girl. Like yourself, I am my husband’s best friend as he is mine. We are partners in a team of two and we have no room for any other person(s) as they would usually create complications. We do have friends of non-threatening nature, e.g. other married people and those who are obviously not interested in each of us individually or our personal affairs, and we do not engage in online social activities. We are too busy taking care of each other and life is hard enough. We have been together for 9 years now with its ups and downs, including financial and career problems, living far away from each other, sickness, and grief. We argue but we make up, because as you said: love and respect, for yourself and your partner, is our ground. We believe we both are growing into more confident, attractive people because of our relationship, and we are grateful to each other for that. Very best wishes to your marriage and to everyone here who value love and respect. Reply bill Jackson January 8, 2015 Grow a pair and learn to call the shots. There’s way too many women in the world to let an inadequate abusive woman run your life. I’m happily married to a woman that is an equal but knows her boundaries, because I won’t tolerate any bs. Modern men are turning into pansy boys… Jeez. Reply Ape January 13, 2015 Think you shouldnt stay when you want to leave. You need her to understand that how you feel. Also, when you do get back together, you need her to promise you to resolve the things that are bugging you. It’s no longer about who is right or wrong but how to resolve a problem that if unresolved will be as good as you walk out first. Lastly, when she has the miscarriage you should be at her bedside taking care of her and share your feelings of loss too because it’s your child too. Without doing that she may see that you are not fit for relationship. Anyway just my 2 cents. Reply vivek January 15, 2015 I also have a problem with my her her male friends. I trust that she would not leave me or betray me, but at the same time I think she gets validation from her male friends. She doesnt feel comfortable with me holding her hand in front of her friends. Although she doesnt shrug me off. Its not that she is shy with guys, but I think she has a problem with me which she doesnt agree to. She says she doesnt like couples getting cozy in front of their friends. In my absence, on party occassions, she is ok hugging her male friends , although not too often. So i am utterly jealous and confused whether i am right or wrong in my thinking. And you re right, we cannot win in arguments with the ladies. Pls help. Reply kyller April 15, 2015 Hi. This is first time i am sharing something. I am in a relationship from past 2 years . For me it was always a happy relationship, we didn’t use to talk much as i started working so i was not able to take out time, but for me it was always like we are always there for each other kind of thing. We used to meet on weekends and have some great memories captured. Suddenly few weeks back i was woke up in the middle of night and i called her to say that i love her but what i got was my phone was on waiting list , firstly i thought there must be something serious at this time. I called her again after 10 mins but same thing happened. It happened for 3 hours i kept calling her and she keep on disconnecting. Next morning she calls up and say she was talking to one of her female cousin and her cousin was upset about something. So i trusted her. Few days go by, same kind of thing happened again i called her like 30-40 times back to back and she keeps on disconnecting. This behaviour of her drove me mad. Somehow from her call logs i figured out whom she talks every night after we say good night to each other it turn out to be some guy from her college. I directly asked her about this guy, and she came up with her part of story that this new guy is friends with her from past 6 months and this guy has always been with her when i was not available, he used to be with her to support her all the time, at that moment he was just a nice friend to her. I was completely blank on what to say, on one hand i was really mad who this guy is , never heard about him n all and on the other hand that guy has done a good thing by supporting her. I was completely blank. I said her that it is ok to have friend but you should not have hide this from me. She was like , if i would have told you ,you would feel bad about it, i said i am even worse now. Few days passes by now i am completely messed up with what to do, i finally came to a conclusion that what she is doing is wrong, she must not be doing it by choice but this has to be stopped so i asked her to stop talking to that guy. She agreed but asked me to give her some time, i said ok. Few days after i got a call from her and she says to me that she feels for him and does not wanna loose him as that guy was always there with her when i was not and asked to break up. I talked to her calmly and asked her decide again keeping in mind both part of her time and choose the one which was best. I asked her to meet me and we met that same day and came up eith the same thing that she will stop talking to her as she said she sees a future with me and me with that guy. Now 2-3 days later i was talking to her and she keep on telling her college daiy happening life and in her every line it was that guys name. I was really pissed. I said her that we came up eith a solution that you eiwill stop talking to him, this time she says give a list of the people whom should i stop talking. We had an arguement and she won as i was not there for her before. From that day till today same kind of thing happens everyday. When she talks to me she says she is going to stop talking to that guy, she loves me and wants to be with me but again am hear stories about him daily. Not i have started thinking like i am coming in between of them i should stop talking to her. She is not happy with my this decision. I am not sure what to do next. I don’t know what she is doing, why she is doing all this. I just know that i love her alot and i just want her to be happy. Please tell me what i should do now, should i let her go or try to bring her close. She has been loyal to me from beginning this is the only thing which has happened beteeen us. She doesn’t have any kind of physical relationship with that guy it just an affection. And now every time we talk we fight. Which i don’t want to have anymore, as i am not able to sleep, not able to concentrste just keep on thinking and wishing that things will be right someday. Reply Erx May 5, 2015 Girls do this because they want to keep their options open, this is all it is really. Because lets face it, they have to marry up and reproduce sooner and they don’t want to waste any time with anyone they are not 100% sure they will marry, and if they are then they want to keep their other options open so that they can pick and choose. Also, if one relationship goes sour, they can move onto the next one while at the same time minimizing any pain they may feel in the process (relationship breakups hurt less when you can bounce onto another person very quickly). Also, all females will try to make us feel guilty for calling them out for the disgusting sluts that they are – DO NOT FALL FOR THIS TRAP. They will try to argue that we are insecure or needy, and when they do this you need to logically explain to them why this isn’t the reason. Tell them that the reason is because you (and the majority of men) aren’t into developing a relationship with a girl who is keeping her options open. Tell them that you refuse to get serious with a girl who insists on having more options because that will lead to more pain for you later. EVEN IF SHE SAYS IT’S NOT AN OPTION, SHE IS LYING – DO NOT EVER LET HER GET AWAY WITH SAYING THAT THEY ARE JUST FRIENDS, THIS IS A LIE. A GIRL WILL ALWAYS CHOOSE THE MAN SHE LOVES OVER A FRIEND, unless of course, he is more than just a friend. She will try to argue that girls can have male friends who are just friends, do not let her get away with that. Tell her you know women better than she thinks, and tell her that even if she thinks she isn’t keeping her options open (at some level not available to her consciousness) she actually is – perhaps without even realizing it. But mostly, they do it and do realize it, but telling her the last thing will let her believe and subscribe to what you’re saying without her having to admit to doing something wrong, get me? I was lucky enough to have only met one woman like this, the rest (even if they had such friends) made sure they didn’t because I made sure they always knew who had the upper hand in the relationship, and it was always me. Don’t be afraid to put your foot down (without yelling or being rude, swearing etc – none of that). Make sure she understands that it’s not you being needy or insecure, it’s just you minimizing risk because you are not into girls who are keeping their options open while being in a committed relationship, this is very simple really. Let her know you understand how females work and that if they were to even have the slightest reservations on this issue, that you’ll downgrade the relationship you have with her to fuck buddy only status, and then eventually see her less often (even as a fuck buddy) and then stop seeing her all together – let her know you can’t help but want to downgrade the relationship because a girl who keeps her options open kills your attraction to them instantly. It’s not your fault and you can’t help it. If she does things that kill your attraction to her, that’s beyond your control, and you should make sure she suffers and gets punished for any selfish slutty decisions she makes. Eventually, she will be conditioned like the slutty dog that she is, that whenever she makes mistakes, she will get stung by the zapper (ie: you barely meet up with her, don’t call or text her, ignore her calls or text, if she asks why, it’s because you’re just not that into her anymore). Eventually this dog of a slut will want you more and will learn how to make you happy and when she makes you happy she will get more of you – and she will learn this and live by this. As you can tell I still hold a lot of anger for that slug of a sex in the city slut that I dated. Also, one last advice I received from my uncle when I was younger. When you are having problems with a girl and it’s not salvageable, just fuck her as much as you can, fuck her until you get sick of fucking her – she is no longer your gf, she is just there to get fucked by you, and once you’ve had enough, move on. Or, just keep fucking her as much as you can until you find another girl, and make the move when you do. After you realize a girl is not relationship material, just fuck her as much as you can so she’s at least useful for something. When I got this advice (and I was 18) I found it disappointing that my uncle would be so brazen with his advice, given how my gf at the time (my first gf, different girl) was very important to me. Now I am 35 and I still remember his advice and think it’s awesome advice and I will never forget it and try to live by it whenever I come across a SLORE (Slore is my made up word and is short for Slutty Whore). Erx Reply gene June 27, 2015 Dude you are DEAD ON! Reply Erx June 29, 2015 Thanks man 🙂 ciandigia June 10, 2015 I cant believe how needy men r this side of the hemisphere……gosh men here need to be men period. Reply ciandigia June 10, 2015 what a needy man….how insecure men are in the west….what a pity….if you were secure in where you stood in the relationship, friends would not be a problem and if you were insecure, then maybe that isnt the partner for you. Men with good-looking women tend to be insecure and needy of constant affirmation and wouldnt mind if they were the only one in their girlfriends world, but lets be realistic…she willl go to work where they are men, she might get sick go to hospital where they are men….men will be everywhere period so channel that energy into learing to trust her…..the other questioning part, being insecure, is such a turn off and not a desirable quality in a man….it will only confirm how you the man and not the right match for her and will worsen things as she will keep her opportunities open….its all about trust you either have it in her or you dont and if you dont, let her go and find someone else you do…..i do sympathize with Miles Jameson so….clearly there was a luck of respect in his…..as for the story for the opening discussion….get a grip….be a man ….grow some balls….u just sound need and insecure like a 16 year old girl 1st love story. Reply Karl June 15, 2015 Shut up. You’re an idiot Reply Erx June 29, 2015 Thanks man 🙂 John October 30, 2015 Yeah you are right. We need to man the hell up and stop taking YOUR GENDER’S SH*T. A real man would just point at the door and calmly say “There’s the door, get the hell out of here”. No complaining, no insecurity, no screaming. A real man will not tolerate other thirsty dudes playing the friends card and moving in on the woman they love. We know how these guys operate, we know what they are thinking, and we know we are public enemy number 1 to them 9 times out of 10. Whenever the tables are turned, you all flip the hell out and get so pissed that we have girl friends, so we drop them when we get serious. You all are so selfish and inconsiderate, it’s disgusting. Reply Erx December 2, 2015 It’s a pity you’re so illogical that you can’t understand the dynamics, and just take the “he must be insecure” route, an incorrect one. So, if you have a gf, you must be secure about her intentions? What if she is capable of doing the upgrade, then you must just feel secure no matter what even when she is cheating on you? Or wait, my favourite line, if you don’t trust her 100% you should break up with her LMFAO – yeah, because when you don’t know if you trust her 100% or not since you don’t know her that well you should just break up instead of trying to be with someone you are in love with, sure that makes a lot of sense. Does it ever occur to you that not being 100% trusting of someone is not a reason to leave them, especially when you are in love? Women, and men, lie – they betray in order for you to see them in the ways that they want to be seen, not the way they really are. All you have to contribute is emotional gibberish, rehashing societal nonsense you’ve heard elsewhere without giving it an extra bit of thought. If you want to contribute to this discussion, think and maybe we’ll talk. Has it ever occurred to you that men might not be interested in a girl who is keeping her options open because they are not interested in sluts or girls who are constantly seeking an upgrade? (yes, believe it or not, and upgrade always exists for everyone, even if you are Brad Pitt or George Clooney). Reply Nothanks June 24, 2015 Hi, My GF has had a male friend for a while since I was around. It never bothered me in the beginning except that he was persistantly sharing his feelings and they were close friends before she moved away. I let this all go over my head for a while because he was far away. That is about to change and he is coming to the area as he has family and he wants to meet up and so does she. Except in his head as he fancies her then he is hoping for something and it is no longer friendship in my view. I saw a message whereby he declared his feelings and continues do so. The woman seems to have no respect for me and is unable to commit into an adult relationship. I would expect behaviour like this from a teenager. She too has said to him how she is unsure of me and other things and thus encouraging to share. She use to say she loved me but I feel this was a cover and part of the characteristic of a Narcissist. I have put my foot down with the relationship and put distance expressing quite clearly to her how I feel and in written form so she can digest it all. I feel sorry for him as he has been led on and holding on for years and not been looking at other women as far as I can tell. He is persistant in sharing his feelings and not being told otherwise by her. I have warned her she needs to deal with this or I will contact him and deal with it. He knows of me but clearly this is not enough. I feel she has done nothing to discourage this and now caught she claims I make her miserable. I have not spoken to her since and I am prepared to walk away from this. No one is perfect but don’t let them walk all over you and treat you like rubbish. Reply Platio July 7, 2015 My gf once pulled a move like this on me: First thing is first – before the incident, I never clarified that I was not happy with her having male friends because I didn’t realize she had any. But I found out that she invited her ex bf to hang out with her when I was away because she was feeling lonely. So I made it clear how I felt about the situation. They had been separated for over a year. What I told her was that I didn’t trust her if she were to drink and hang out with a guy in her apartment, especially if he was her ex boyfriend (meaning she once felt something for him and banged him before). She gets horny after a few cups of wine. I then asked her if she would like it if I asked my ex gf to hang out with me. This is when she realized how much she wouldn’t like it and messy the situation can become, and despite the fact that nothing at all may happen, it’s a kick in the balls to have to deal with it. She never pulled that on me again. Even now when there is a guy trying to be her emotional support, she isn’t hearing any of it; she’s loyal to the point and I am as well. So we promised each other (her idea) to not have any new friends of the opposite sex unless we both approve, since after all, we are a unity in this relationship. Some may say that I don’t trust her and I’m insecure, especially a female – so let me say this: Men, for as long as history can tell, have always played the role of seducer. This is even common in MOST male creatures in the animal kingdom. Men will try EVERY angle and I mean EVERY angle to hook up with a chick, from the upfront douchebag to the passive friend of 5+ years to colleague who jokes with sexual innuendo. I’ve seen it. It’s our role. Doesn’t mean that all men are evil, just that sex heavily influences our behavior, but also women endorse it so it’s mutual as a means to an end. Yeah some women seduce, but really it’s statistically insignificant. So why should men trust other men around their chick, especially when we know better? Now if she wants to sleep with another man, that’s fine, BUT that’s my cue to get out of the picture and out of her life. Reply Erx September 21, 2015 Do an in page search (CTRL + F) for “Erx” and read the first comments i made on this page, it’s about the females trying to call us “insecure” for not letting them have male friends and drawing lines! I call it the Insecure Fallacy, because i explain how it’s not about our insecurity but about how we aren’t interested in the types of girls who want to keep their options open and entertain many men in their lives, and that we’re just not attracted to that kind of girl. Whenever they try to call us insecure for this reason, i talk about how we need to remind that LOGICALLY that it’s not our insecurity but our genetic predisposition to feel a loss of attraction to player girls. Read it. Reply JJ July 10, 2015 Hi. I came upon this blog after looking for answers and googling because of what happened last night. I met this beautiful girl, everything I ever wanted etc… We are together just over a month now and looks like she is crazy about me. She text me the whole day, phones four to five times a day, BUT When I don’t immediately reply her text or phone calls she gets very much upset. I found her to be extremely jealous I had to delete most of my female friends on FB, she wants to know where I am and who I am every while, she don’t want me to change my profile pic to a close-up of myself because she don’t like if any woman comment on the pic. She however has lots of male FB friends, and every day I see more male friends being added. Currently she is on a week holiday. She told me she met two Brazilian men while on a guided tour. The one man is 38 and his father is the other. She mentioned Brazilians are beautiful people. She told me they enjoyed each other’s company and took pictures of each other. Later the evening she phoned and told me she is going out with this guy and his dad. She would be picking them up at their hotel about 45 minutes’ drive from where she is staying at 20:30 pm. She mentioned. That the son is married. But the wife is not with them. I did not hear anything further from her the whole night. I sent a few texts but no reply. Seems she did not read it. At 01:30 am I went to sleep. At 02:00 she phoned me and told me she got lost on her way and was an hour late (GPS in the car) and then they could not find any place to eat that was still open. So they walked all over to find food. Until they found a take away place. She said they offered to pay for a room at their hotel so she did not have to drive back so late, but she decided to drive back because she missed me and wanted to speak to me. I was and still am boiling inside about this. Then when arriving. Ate her hotel half hour later she text me and say hou she missed me the whole day and wanted me next to her and hope I dream of her and such things. What am I to make out of this. Am I to worry or not? Must I try to discuss it with her? Because I know if I discuss something like this she gets extremely upset and angry… Must mention that she also have a few male friends she told me about. I am very very jealous at the moment and very angry. But I really love her. Its all so confusing… Reply No thanks July 11, 2015 Write out what you would say before you say it. Read it over and then remind yourself. Don’t go in boiling or you will say the wrong thing. Reply Erx September 21, 2015 Dude what are you doing? You’ve given her all the power! If she expects you to keep your female friends at bay and close them off, then you must demand the same thing of her, and she cannot have it any other way, what is this nonsense of her hanging out with other men and having all these male friends? WTF she goes out with these two men she just met on holiday? They offered to lease her a room so they can have sex with her dude. You have allowed her to get away with all this. YOU MUST STOP IT. You must tell her, New Rules, there is no if’s or but’s about this and that no matter what she says or does, there will be no compromise. She must delete all of her Male FB friends except for those who are blood related, and except for 3-5 other males ONLY AT YOUR CHOOSING – MEANING, if you allow her up to 5, she picks the five and deletes everyone else. Why is she going on holiday without you? If SHE EVER AGAIN goes out with a group where there are more men then females, you will leave her. If she ever goes out with any single male or multiple males, then you will leave her AND WILL NEVER COME BACK TO HER AGAIN. If she is going out and not inviting you to come along, be suspicious, if she asks why all these rules, tell her that you are not required to and WILL NOT explain. DO NOT GIVE HER A REASON – LET HER THINK HER HEAD OFF. Also tell her that you’ve just realized you can be another girls boyfriend who would never do 1% of the things she has done to you, and that you will either choose this new girl (which you haven’t done anything with) or her and that it’s totally up to her. TELL HER she either needs to meet expectations or that you will TOTALLY BE DOING THE UPGRADE ON HER WITHOUT A SECOND THOUGHT AND WITHOUT ANY PAIN WHATSOEVER, SINCE YOU WILL EASILY TRANSITION ONTO THE NEW GIRL. NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS DO NOT TELL HER WHO THIS NEW GIRL IS, DON’T ENGAGE THAT DISCUSSION, JUST THE MENTION OF IT AND THE IDEA OF IT IS ENOUGH, LET HER KNOW YOU STILL WANT HER BUT ONLY IF SHE DOES WHAT YOU SAY, OTHERWISE YOU’LL HAVE NO PROBLEMS TRANSITIONING TO THIS NEW GIRL WHO IS ACTUALLY REALLY INTERESTED IN YOU. Got me? Any questions, let me know! Reply rickardo August 11, 2015 Thanks for sharing the story. A girlfriend is not a wife. If you have not married her, don’t expect loyalty. She used another man to escape from you and it sounds like you are lucky to be rid of her. Reply Dennis Robinson September 23, 2015 Marrying her doesn’t guarantee loyalty either. Reply Henry September 4, 2015 I been having a problem since me and my girl been going out for a year and couple of months and for the last two months she been ignoring me from sex and talking to me like she use to do and I enjoyed being with her everyday and I love it but then one day she change alot. She started to talk to her “best friends” that are black (not being racist) and that smoke weed and sell it. She been sending photos of her self to them and emoji like a blushing face or a kiss face.. which it makes me really angry cause I am a jealous type and she know that. But she still continue talking and hang out with th em everyday lately and I just been home doing all her chores like I’m the slave of her family. She never talk to me when she feel down and I would risk my life for her cause I love her but the problem is that I don’t know if she would feel the same for me. She calls me everyday to go to her house to be with her, but once I get there she don’t talk to me or do what we do. Usually she want to do it but she want to have her fun and left me with no fun. She hugs all the fun and I don’t. What can I do I need help or opinions on what to do. Reply Hunter October 9, 2015 Tell her, confront her about it. Ask her how she’d feel if you started doing that sort of stuff with other girls, and tell her if she truly values your relationship, she’d stop hanging out with those guys. And stay the hell away from those guys, drug dealers are bad news, and will beat the shit out of you and take everything on you. Drug dealers are desperate pieces of shit. Reply Mike November 2, 2015 Me and my girl worked in the Same place, I ended up becoming aa supervisor, and brought her in. She ends up working in a less labor orientated place. She talks and becomes good friends with the supervisor on that side. Next thing you know slowly but surely I’m being more left out of the loop, and she is getting friendlier with the guy. Two weeks in and our relationship is down to bell, always arguing, mostly over that friend of hers. She keeps insisting he is just a friend. Next morning she just becomes clean and tell me they’ve been going out and they are deeply in love. I honestly wasn’t that surprised, she could just had been an adult about it. I ended up getting them both fired, haven’t heard from them, don’t care to. Reply s November 10, 2015 Hi.. female here.. ive been reading alot of the comments and i do agree the majority sound like they are not being loyal. Some could just be insecurity and fear though. Anyway my story.. Ive been with my boyfriend for 13 years. (Started dating when i was 15 he was 18) We had a breakup once when i was 18 due to trust issues. He thought i was cheating on him (i wasnt, but i can see why he didnt trust me. There was a guy that was in my circle of friends who obviously became my friend, because he was in my circle of friends, but i was never alone with him, i thought my boyfriend was friends with him too, and never became personal like that where i would be just hanging out with him.. it aas always a mix of guy/girl friends. I brushed it off because i wasnt going to just stop hanging with my friends because there was someone there he didnt trust. Anyway, the nagging and assumptions and insecurity just made me oppositional – this has always been my nature – with friends, family, autority figures. And he knows that. So i just stopped trying to justify myself. I know i wasnt cheating on him, and i had no intentions of a backup plan or whatever. I enjoy having friends. So.. after awhile he breaks up with me because i was basically saying “whatever”. Again, i stopped trying to verbally justify myself. Its not like i wasnt paying him attention – i was just not giving him ALL of my time. Which in my opinion nobody should shut themselves off from the world. Thats just fucked up. So he thought i was cheating. And broke it off. Yeah that really hurt me. But guess what? I continued to be this guys friend. And you guessed it. He tried to pull a move on me.. but i shot him down. We were still friends. And i still didnt fuck him. Lol. Eventually my boyfriend came around begging me to take him back and i said no for awhile because i felt betrayed that he didnt trust me and i didnt want to have to deal with that shit again. Eventually i came around though because i did want to be with him, we have always been ourselves with eachother and we kind of just mesh.. like best friends and sexually.. So that was my random stupid teenage story. Now fastforward to the present. Weve been engaged for two years and have 2 kids, through those years there have been petty bumps in the relationship due to jealousy/trust issues from both sides – yes i can admit ive griped a few times because yes – after 2 kids and aging a good looking woman would feel insecure 🙂 but we always work it out and move on. Trust is the foundation of a relationship and every time is dwindles a relationship will fall apart. I have gone long time on making myself trust my hubby %100 and i have been happy. I have made a new guy friend, my girlfriend was seeing him, and hes a cool guy. He is one of those people that like to talk – alot – and im one of those friends that listens more so than talks. We were aquainted a long time ago but i never made friends because he wasnt really in my group of people when i was younger. Anyway… me and my husband have went out with them a couple times. Weve all hung out and drank and had a good time. Yada yada. He called me when he was having problems with my friend and i listened and talked. Like twice. Whatever hes my friend right? My hubby was around when he was on the phone. I also was transparent about our convos. The other day he needed a ride to home depot so i drove him over and we hung out for like an hour and talked. (He was talking about hos new girlfriend and how hes much happier with her for the most part) friend stuff, goddamnit. My hubby even talks to him. I do admit he is needy i guess socially, but hes like me and my hubby, where we dont have many friends anymore (you lose touch as you get older i guess? But yeah – that hangout has caused such a rift he is indirectly saying im cheating on him and he doesnt trust me with him etc.. it really hurts inside when my intentions are to be a friend. I have never cheated or thought of friends in that way but he has always assumed im a big whore when he feels threatened. Its funny and sad at the same time. There are no words or affection towards him to justify him trusting me i can only break friendships off or he breaks up with me. There is already enough writing here here so ill stop. I just want your opinions.. I have been with him all my life and i could not see myself even having a fling with someone else, let alone a person i consider a friend. I enjoy my alone time too – without my hubby and with company of friends, male or female. people do need space from their SO occasionally but im to feel guilty about it. Am i completely fucked up and in the wrong here? Lol Reply Chris November 10, 2015 This article, I’m sorry to say, does not refer to how a man would act, but to how a boy would act when feeling threatened. It is riddled with bias and misogyny. Women are not hardwired to seek external validation, you look for the wrong women, Alex (author). Maybe take a moment and see where you seek your own validation. This article is disgusting. Reply Erx December 2, 2015 You’re opinions are just that, it’s not that men think the women have intentions of cheating, that’s not how it works. it’s possible she may be keeping her options open just in case, but it isn’t always like this. She will be friend someone innocently, but then things will develop, even if she has no intention of doing that, and the next time the bf hears of it will be when they’ve been sleeping together or she’s leaving him for this new guy. Even if there is a risk of any of those options taking place, i’d rather not be with that women – it’s not like she can’t be friends with females, it’s also not like she can’t have male friends. If she sees her male friends in a group and ONLY in a group that would be ok, and if she sees that friend while the bf is there that would be ok too – but what is the reason she wants to see him one on one? that’s out of bounds. I think if a girl is ok with that, she doesn’t deserve a stable bf – remember, even if she has innocent intentions, we all know how feelings can develop even if she doesn’t intend them to, it’s for this reason that every man has every right to choose weather she wants to be with a girl that is willing to entertain another guy and run those risks. In addition to that, there is the risk she is keeping her options open, even if she doesn’t consciously realize it… that is another risk that the bf has every right to try to prevent. Ultimately, I’m not interested in any girl who is willing to keep her options open, and I am not interested in any girl who is willing to take the risk of falling in love with another guy by getting close to them outside the normal boundaries. It’s not even the fact that I’m afraid of being cheated on, but if she is keeping her options open, i’m just not interested in a girl like that since i have dim views of girls like that for several reasons: 1). because it might mean she isn’t as committed to you and 2). because there is still that risk of something happening. you’re views of this being childish is just the nonsense that society has washed you with, if you understand the nuanced reasoning, you’d understand the reasons. Reply Shannon November 19, 2015 Wow as a women it’s been so interesting to read all these comments and really get a good view of how this subject can make some men feel. My bf and I have been together for 2yrs and have a great level of trust. I would never even think about cheating on him and the though of hurting him the way some of u have been hurt really makes me feel physically sick. Women who have no respect for their partners feelings don’t deserve to be in a relationship. I do have male friends due to the fact I was always bullied by girls all throughout my school life, but my bf understands this and I would cut all ties with everyone of them if I even thought for a second it was hurting him. God bless all of u, I honestly hope u find a girl willing to stand by ur side through thick and thin. Reply Erx December 2, 2015 read my answer to chris to get a better idea of my views, also do a Ctrl+F and search for “Erx” to read my other posts on this page, I won’t repeat them here. But to summarize, if you are catching up with him one on one, that is a 100% no-no. Personally, i’m not interested in any girl who’s willing to take the risks of falling in love with another guy (even if her intentions are pure and she believes there is no chance of her falling in love). There is a risk of betrayal, and I’m not interested in being with a girl who’s willing to take that risk on my behalf. Secondly, if she is actually keeping her options open (weather on purpose or without realizing it) I just don’t want to be with a girl like that, since it says a lot about our relationship and it says a lot about her. Ultimately, I’m just not willing to be with a girl where the following to options are possibilities. Why can’t she hang out with this guy when the bf is around or only in a group setting? If she’s going to play that game, so can I. What would you think if I was seeing girls who are more attractive than you on a one on one basis? Surely you don’t mind, right? What about if I’m very close with her and sleep over at her place after we go out drinking one on one? Of course you don’t mind, right? Ultimately, you’re intentions can be innocent, but if these things happen, then the guy is taking a risk, a risk of being with a girl who has a character he doesn’t care for, or a risk of being cheated on – and remember, both these items are just as important, it’s not just about the potential of being cheated on! Being with a girl who turned out to be different from how you expected her to be is enough of a deal breaker, especially if she is keeping her options open or doesn’t value your friendship. Basically, if you have this other guys number or he has your number, you’ve already crossed the line since you’re relationship shouldn’t be that close. If you have his number because you had it before ur relationship with your bf, then that’s ok. If you exchanged numbers after, then that is not ok! Reply Bill June 23, 2016 I married my Chinese wife in China 11 years ago when i was there working and met her. Very prim and proper lady when we met, in public that is, when we first had sex for me it was like Wow! Completely different woman in private. After 6 yrs of marriage and then in Canada, my home country, i found out one day when she was supposedly meeting a gf of her’s for lunch and then shopping, and me trying for 6 hours to call her on her cell but no answer or return call, which she always before called me back soon, that she had in fact supposedly again gone to the cinema to watch an afternoon movie with a guy she supposedly met on the bus going to meet her gf and asked him to go with her and meet the gf, who was single as was the guy. She called him in front of me when she got home and i was upset and told him sorry, my husband is mad and i cannot see you again – well, she saw him the next day and a month of so later, i found out again, she called him again in front of me, can’t see u ever again, and beleive it or not still did until a while later i found out again and this time the shit hit the fan. She of course said he is only a friend and that is all, we did nothing ever together. So i said, then why did you not introduce me to him, and she said he did not want to meet me. Oh, really? So i said nothing else, i showered after confronting her as i just mentioned, she showered, came to bed and I fucked her silly for hours, knowing for sure she was far more than a friend with this guy. This happened on a Wednesday. And i think it might be important to mention that my wife has a very high sex drive and had not long before that during sex one night had told me when i asked her that sure, she would not mind having sex with me and another guy if i knew someone i would be comfortable with and she approved of. So, the next day i took the day off from my office, i own my own company, and i searched for this guy and found him at the bar he goes to lots, around 5pm i found him. Sat down at the table he was sitting at alone, introduced myself, and told him ok, so now u and I are going to talk and u are going to be honest to me as her husband. So without going into a long drawn out discussion here about our talk, he did admit they had had sex, and in order for me to ensure he was not lying to me, i asked him 2 things about her. First, her nipples are very very long, like her baby finger from the tip to the first joint, are hard as rock always, and real dark color – so i asked him what her nipples are like and he described them to a T. And second i asked him was she hard to orgasm, and he said no way, easy as can be and had more than one always, so bingo, i had her caught. So i said to him, cause he also told me she had told him she was separated from me, so i told him well here is the deal – Friday night you will come to our place, and in front of her admit to me you fucked her and many more than one time, then because as she told you she would love 2 men together for sex, you and i are going to give her that. So he showed up Friday night, told me in front of her they had lots of sex, she was totally stunned, then i just undressed her total nude, told her u can fuck around behind my back, and going on about having 2 men together, so your wish will come true now and the rest you can figure out i am sure. 6 months ago i found out she cheated again with a different guy, and now we are a thing of the past. I left her and I am done with her. So, bottom line? A wife has a male friend that she sort of hides? She is cheating, no question about it. Reply Bill August 9, 2016 So I now have an update to my original post here about my Chinese wife. I had the good fortune to by accident run into the guy that was “only” a friend one night recently at a bar. He had never met nor seen me so he had no idea who I was, let alone knowing I was her husband. So we chatted and I said i had just come back from China, and he said wow, he was seeing a married Chinese woman for months until her husband gave her an ultimatum, stop or get out. So i said in China, many Chinese women have slim tight bodies and also real nice other body parts, and he then said oh same with the married woman he was seeing, and described a certain part of her body, nipples to be precise, which in her case are just really really long and rock hard always. And went on about them having sex, etc, etc, and so on, so I finally had the truth that I had believed revealed for once and for all. I never bothered to call her and tell her, what would the point be, she would simply call him a liar. But it is interesting, we are apart now for over 3 months and she still calls me if i am not in contact with her at all for a few days or so, she always ends up arguing with me, and i simply say goodbye and hang up. So a question i do have, she says she does not love me and we can never be husband and wife again, but she will always consider me a member of her family, and on and on, so my question is simply this – if she is truly done with me for good, why the heck bother to call me and argue and stuff? My thinking is when it is over, it is over, and there then is no need to keep calling and taking. Your thoughts please?? Reply JP October 24, 2016 So just inputting my situation here after reading the comments. My current gf of 8 months has been nothing but a spectacular relationship, if I were to sum it up to one word, it would be “respect”. We both have tons of it towards each other and there has been open channel of communication throughout our whole time together which has helped us establish trust in one another. We are in our late twenties and everything about us has been pointing towards a future together as husband and wife some day. My gf has always told me she has had a ton of close guy friends throughout her life, partly because she just doesn’t have the time to deal with other women with their drama and because she grew up with two older brothers, so hanging out with guys and developing relationships was a natural thing for her. That is fine with me, someone can have friends of the opposite sex, no problem. She likes to have close connections with friends just like we all do. Fast forward to now, my gf’s ex (the one before me) has been reaching out to her to discuss some “work” opportunities because they are in the same line of work (fitness instructors). Now my gf told me this guy was a really good friend and they eventually turned it into a relationship just to see how it went. Long story short, it was ended by the guy and she never loved him, she viewed him more as a friend. Being the guy I am, I can’t help but have a feeling of questioning this dudes motives, stepping on my turf. My gf came to me saying she was going to be transparent, as she always is, and told me the situation. She views this guy as a once close friend that got turned into something it shouldn’t have so she is entertaining that fact that maybe they can be friends again. I am not too sure how I feel about all of this and she told me she’d keep the whole thing very work driven which I agreed with. But now sometime I will happen to be with her and her ex is texting her, sometimes work related things, sometimes just random texts, nothing flirty (she has shown me her phone without me asking), but again, I just don’t feel to keen on them being friends again since they were at one point intimate. She even told me that she told her ex from the beginning that if this was anything other than professional then she would remove herself or him from the situation and he agreed. So we all seem to be in agreement here but I still cant help but question this guys motives. Am I out of line here assuming things? It’s not here that I don’t trust, its the ex’s motives. And this isn’t the end of it. There have been other guy friends whom I have met who my gf has once made out with or got a little hot and heavy with whom she was very good friends with and they got drunk one night things happened. Since meeting me, she has told one guy friend that she couldn’t do that nor date him because she is in a loving relationship and she just tried something out with him just to see how it feels (she didn’t like it). So from my point of view, my gf has guy friends whom she considers very close to her from throughout her like before I met. At one point they may have kissed or hooked up but since I came along, none of that has happened. My girlfriend has shown me nothing but trust and has talked through each of these men in her lives and why she keeps them around as close friends because that is exactly what they mean to her. I just can’t help but wonder what they guys all think, as having her as a “close” friend means to them. I have seen my gf put her foot down, and she is not afraid to, in situation where met have hit on her. But it’s this feeling of prey lurking around that happen to close friends that worries me. I know she would do the right thing if a situation came up where someone tried to make a move on her, I guess it’s just I wouldn’t want that happening in the first place as she is a very attractive woman so it’s a natural thing. I keep playing hypotheticals in my head…say I go out of town and my gf goes and hangs out her guy friends drinking, she end up staying at one of their places for the night to crash. It makes me wonder what those men would think to do if I am not there. That doesn’t sit well with me. Btw, all that I have typed here has been discussed through and through with my gf and she is aware of how I feel. I guess I am just seeing if any of you guys/gals have had similar situations and how you dealt with it. The last thing I want to do is “punish” my gf for he past behavior, I know I cant change that. She has shown me no signs of mistrust. She just really cherishes her relationships with these men with whom with some of them she did stuff with at one point, then said “ok, let’s not do that again” and moved on. But I think it can be a natural tendency for men to have a “sexual” thought when hanging out with women, a “what if” attitude that flashes in the mind. I feel like my feeling are natural in thinking that about other men in her life and I have to respect her boundaries…just to what extent is what I’m struggling with. How can I shift my mind to deal with this and be at ease? Thanks Reply Julia October 27, 2016 Hi JP, your comment is interesting, because basically it seems that although you trust your girlfriend, you feel insecure. Not because she gives you any reason to doubt, but because in a way you know how men feel around women, even friends. I’m a girl and I have many male friends. I can tell you one thing – even if guys have those ideas in mind, if I don’t want anything to happen, nothing will. So if you trust your girlfriend, especially since she’s shown you that she deserves to be trusted, you should just trust her. Because if you start putting restrictions (which would in this case be unreasonable, since her behavior is respectful), then you might break the amazing bond you have. I think in this case you need to work more on yourself, and just learn to accept it. It might be hard at first, but it will be worthwhile. And, do you know what? If she were to cheat, that would mean she would have regardless of you accepting her seeing those guys or not – it might even push her to do so if she feels caged in. Isn’t love about giving the person the freedom and space of being themselves? You seem to have a beautiful relationship based on trust and honesty. Just let it be. You might open the topic with her if it makes you uncomfortable, but don’t ask her to change, unless she herself feels it is becoming inappropriate. Reply JB Apostacy October 21, 2017 I think a woman ghost wrote this. But perhaps I’m mistaken… In short: you’re being clowned. Bad. Not only have you gotten yourself involved with a girl who keeps warm leads, cannot draw appropriately discern frienship from not friendship (if they were casual and have touched lips or more, friend purity is forever vaporized), but she’s so effectively spun her web that she has equisitely redirected your [founded] concerns to the guys — just where she wants it. You’re playing with fire, amigo. That slope is getting slippier by the day. I’d cut it loose before you get transgressed. In addition to the deal-killing sexual contact with what seemed to be every one of her “friends”, none of those people really sound like they are providing any substantive value to her life. Quiz her on it. Ask what they talk about. How long she’s known them. What she gets out of it. Maybe they both love Charles Dickens novels and have an ongoing duo book club. And there is legitimate, platonic gain and growth in their interactions. Or maybe they just say, “hey, what’s up.” And go drinking. Sorry to be obtuse here, but no, men and women, with very few exceptions cannot be friends. And I’m not sure that you have never come to grips with the notion that if a woman has only / majority male friends, that is red flag number one. Could you imagine if you met a dude who had no male friends? What would you think of him? Probably that he doesn’t havet he social skills and proper conditioning to maintaing those necessary interactinos. It’s no different with women. Instead of developing real, non-sexual connections that last with women, which takes work, commitment and compromise, she prefers the easy, never questioning admiration from men. They all want to get in her pants — or in your case already have — and she knows this and feeds of it. I’d say have a sober heart to heart with her to see what can be sorted, but the fact that she’s maniupalated you so much that it is effecting your general wellbing worry about it, I’d say she’s too far gone. Poison. Evacuate. Othewise you’ll be spending the next few years being a nanny to a toddler figuring out how boys and girls play together. Reply B Rit May 17, 2017 A question that I’ve been dealing with lately has to do with jealousy caused by neither of those categories. I only tend to become jealous in exclusive relationships, not because I feel insecure, or lack trust in the woman but because I feel that exclusivity is a restriction. That sacrifice causes me to feel that actions that show flirtation or care for another guy are disrespectful to that restriction, and sacrifice and I’d rather not be limited. I’m trying to understand this feeling more – and I was wondering if you could help Reply Erx May 23, 2017 It’s normal. 🙂 If you have the upper hand in the relationship, you can use the leverage you have to setup rules. Reply JB Apostacy October 21, 2017 The thrust of your thesis is paradoxically constrained: a “high quality” woman, by definition characterized as one who does not allow flies to circle, understands and does not cultivate problematic “platonic” grey areas with other men, and was either raised right or has groomed herself into maturity and respects you enough to not obfuscate the potential of the relationship by allowing superfluous “noise” to interfere. And she’s either at this point, or she ain’t. I’ve been the cleanup guy before, and it’s generally frought with headache and impasse. If she’s clearly collecting attention, and it’s obvious it’s important to her sense of self worth, she’s going to hang on tight. And then she’ll resent you for pointing out one of her shortcomings. You don’t want to pay to take her to big girl relationship college. Get out of there. This just show’s you the flawed woman’s perspective: if not subconsioulsy, a woman defines herself as “high quality” by the volume and breadth of male attention she can simultaniously keep in orbit. What we know really makes a woman high quality is if she’s got her shit together enough to know that if she wants a decent dude, all the high school musical “just a friend” male friend shit should ideally not have been in play at all, or at least appropriately tapers as your rapport develops. Alas, I’d say 60-90% of women ages xx – 27 make this an issue in varying degrees of intensity. The number starts to decline after that, but there’s some surprising outliers (rampant with the newly divorced). They are wizards at this shit. Don’t underestimate the effort they will put in to keep as many balls in the air at a time. Ok, we need to change this narrative. Men, good men, who want a real relationship and are constantly struggling to manage a woman’s “lack of focus,” don’t have a problem with this type of behavior because we’re insecure. We don’t like it because it’s immature, disrespectful and interferes with our developing of something meaningful. If you, as the man, are doing all the right stuff (above all, also not juggling around a bunch of other chicks — if you found an alright one, and it’s seeming to work after a few dates, have some balls and cut your loose strings. Delete the dating app. Block the randos who don’t matter anyway. They’ll come back if it doesn’t work out. Set a proper stage that’s free of distractions. It sends a great signal.), and this girl is still overly involved with her “friends,” she’s the problem — not you. Don’t forget that. Pay no mind to female blog-writers telling you that jealousy is “inevitable” and insecurities “naturally appear.” Fuck that. See this ingenious plot they are constantly setting you up for? See the matrix. Women have created the perfect catch 22 under which they are free to push your limits and created a hostile environment. If you go the route of just “letting her do her thing,” and being hands off, she won’t respect you and will potentially run with as much rope as you’ll give her, and it’s possible that she’s watering a seed that will surreptitiously bloom right when you two are having trouble. (She knows what she’s doing — don’t ever fall for the dumb act.) Plus you look like a chump if a bunch of bros are taking out your girl, and have the emotional pangs of not getting a reasonable amount of your chick’s attention. If you intervene, no matter how minimally invasive, they quick draw the “insecure” scarlet letter. She’s the one out off order, but somehow it’s now your fault. And when you try to defend yourself, it only seemingly confirms their case. Dammed if you do, dammed if you don’t. This is the essense of the insecure female: create a hostile context and make you think that it’s your fault. You should never have to feel uncomfortable, unwated or transgressed in a budding relationship. As long as you’re holding up your end, any behavior like that is bullsh*t and firm force should be applied. The average woman of fertile age range spends probably 15% of her day scheming on contraptions like this; if she claims it’s unintended, and she’s hot and of legal IQ, she’s a bullshitter. Bounce. End of story. All that said, there are indeed situations where it’s ok for her to hang out with a guy. Even alone. But it’s few and far between. You just have to exercise your judgment and ask the right questions. Acceptable: gay guys (rule), an ex that they are over (we’re trained to freak out about the ext the most; in reality, he could be your safest bet for the legit platonic friend. They broke up for one of two reasons: something fucked up and there’s still feelings, or they maturely drifted apart and ended things on good terms. You just have to feel it out), someone they’ve known since elementary school, is kind of a tool and you can tell she just wouldn’t bang him. Unacceptable: new friends of any stripe; someone they’ve had on and off romantic encounters with; men of power; someone who’s just got you beat across the board. Tread lightly, but have these discussions with her. Be fastidous. If you’re careful and respectful, you’ll get to the bottom of each case and have a bigger picture understanding of why any of them are in the picture. The only reason a woman would like to keep a comparable suitor in the scene is either to make you sweat, or create a back up in the case that you fall through — ie., she doesn’t have confidence or self worth in herself and should be dismissed. Out, JBA Reply Leave a Reply Cancel Reply Your email address will not be published.CommentName* Email* Website Notify me of followup comments via e-mail. You can also subscribe without commenting.